I had another moment a couple of days ago.
I noted in a previous post that damage done to me by my ex contributed to the inability of my uterus to have a successful implant. I lost count of the amount of times I'd get to 5/6 weeks and then I'd have a super heavy period with massive clots.
The birth of my rainbow baby was not easy. I was admitted into hospital in week 38 to be induced. My blood pressure had gone up extremely quickly and given my age, it was felt I should be induced. There started a pretty terrible 24 hours.
I endured a balloon catheter, hormone gel, amniotic sac being broken, however it wasn't done properly the first time, so they did it again, then syntocin, 5 rounds. I had so many pelvic exams I lost count. Multiple doctors and midwives - while polite inserted their hands in and out.
I didn't require pain meds while I was in labour, but I did when they put the balloon catheter in, that took then about 6 attempts and it was a midwife that managed it as the doctor didn't do it properly the first 5 attempts.
Each contraction was joyful for me, as I suffer anxiety attacks, I do breathing exercises, so I was perfectly able to manage and to be honest, didn't feel the pain except when I wasn't prepared. As the day wore on, I needed an epidural as my blood pressure went up again and my girl's heart rate was dropping with each round of syntocin. Lower and lower. Unfortunately, they couldn't stop the contractions and I had to deal with getting an epidural put in while having contractions and it took 2 attempts for that to work.
Then I had to have an emergency CS. My labour failed, my girl was acynclitic. I felt nothing, I could barely breathe, I kept talking to the anaesthetist because I figured if I couldn't feel myself breathing, but I knew that when talking, breathing is included, that I would be not focused on taking breaths.
The next day, I asked my husband to help me in the shower and he asked if it would not be better for a nurse to help. It triggered a meltdown in the room and I wasn't loud, but I was pretty insistent I did not want any other human being to touch me at all. Ever.
Now, how does this relate - I've been in counseling for 2 months and each time I talk to the counselor, a few days later, things start to appear. The abuse I endured at the hands of my ex, resulted in my uterus being damaged. My best friend is a doctor and had read a report 6 months ago. The medical report was done when I had my last D&C in 2015 and had asked me at the time if I had been in a car accident. When I told my best friend what happened to me at the hands of my ex, my friend got really angry. I didn't understand why, until they said that my ex had pretty much gutted me and the damage reported meant that it was unlikely that I could bear children. This was why my doctor had freaked out and told me no exercise at all except slow walking until I had the baby.
So, something else to talk about with my counselor when I see them next. Because now I understand that the birth was so traumatic for me because of what my ex did. It's something I have been stuck thinking on for a few days and it really sucks. Thanks ladies for listening.