How to get school to back off.

[mouseymummy]

My 14yo dd is struggling to figure out where she fits in at the moment, she's more of a "tomboy" but will happily put on a playsuit and leggings etc etc.... You know. Usual stuff kids go through as they try to figure out what they like and suits them.

However, she's been hanging around with a girl who wants to transition, her parents are very vocal about it all and buying her a binder and demanding her school etc refer to her as her "true name" as well as other things.

I've explained to my dd that you can be a woman and wear jeans and a flannel shirt, get your hair cut short etc... I'm always wearing jeans and tees. I wear "work boot" style boots as they're comfy and I have a condition that causes my joints to be loose so they're practical too. I've explained that you can be whoever you want to be. She's just not understanding how you can be just yourself. She's very much falling into stereotypes and saying how I dress dd6 in dresses etc... Thus is what she chose when getting dressed that morning, she had jeans on the day before.

School is not helping this.

They've told me that I'm "damaging her" by refusing to take her to the doctors and persueing a "transition" she's 14! I'm seriously waiting for a phone call to social services for not taking her to the doctor as its apparently "emotional abuse" ffs.

Ive ok'd her getting her hair cut short and we went shopping a couple of weeks ago for her to get some clothes she felt comfortable in, she chose leggings, a couple of pairs of jeans, a hoodie and a couple of slogan tees from the mens section in primark (they have a lot better slogan style tees than the women's section)

She's asked for a binder and I've refused. This has all started since school told her she could (her exact quote) "become a proper boy and do all the boy stuff" I asked her what is "boy stuff" she had no answer.

Schools safeguarding team (yes, really) rang me to tell me that they will be referring to her as her "boy name" and when I call up I will have to say I'm the parent of said boy. When I questioned this and asked if they had found anyone else with parental responsibility to OK this as I hadn't (they don't have her dad's number as we're not together and he works away so wouldn't be able to collect her in an emergency) they responded with no but this is what they do when a kid comes and "officially self identifies".

OK, if my kid decides when she's older to crack on n transition, fine, I'll support and be there.

But at 14???? I refuse to be part of it until she is better prepared in life and actually understand what the processes entails etc.

What can I do here??

This has all started since school told her she could (her exact quote) "become a proper boy and do all the boy stuff"

I'd be asking the school what the hell they meant by that.

Sorry, that may not be very helpful.

Is there another school? I genuinely think I would withdraw my child if that was happening. It easily could have as my lesbian daughter was GNC from an early age.

Do you know a sensible (mature?) GP you could take her to so that you can have a logical discussion?

And then I’d report the school to ofsted for a safeguarding breech, especially as they want to change the name of a minor without parental permission .

Unfortunately there isn't another school that I would be able to get her to due to her behaviour issues.

I have asked what they meant and they couldn't tell me who had the "chat" with her. Despite her telling me it was the safeguarding officer I was talking to at the time.

I agree with previous posters’ advice. Is this a Stonewall champion school by any chance?

Bloody hell I'd he fuming

Have you told them the NHS advocate a watch and wait approach. That immediate affirmation is the advice of one charity who has no background medically and the only dr they recommend has been suspended for running an illegal clinic

And then I’d report the school to ofsted for a safeguarding breech

This.

And I assume you’re aware of transgender trend for advice?

And taking the parents feelings into account isn't proper safeguarding? You've already let her socially 'transition' away from harmful binding/blockers or official change of name (I used boys names jokingly at that age).

F*ck

I would take her out of that school and failing that, I’d be calling my lawyer, my MP and then a journalist.

Make sure you log and document all the nonsense they are telling you (school that is).

You’ve basically described me at 14. I was a tomboy and felt really embarrassed about my developing body. Except nobody tried to tell me I was actually a boy and should transition.

I wouldn’t permit the school to pressure me and my child like this. They are clearly overstepping their role. I’d remove my child from school and home educate if necessary. There’s plenty of time to make big decisions when she’s an adult.

I would suggest you ask them for a copy of the policies under which they are purporting to be able to do this. Also put what they have said to you verbally in an email to them and ask them to confirm it writing.

I would personally be tempted to add some stuff that you intend to hold them legally liable for damages in future in case of regret, but you might just want to start with getting everything in writing.

I think I would take legal advice, then get a Solicitor's letter sent to them warning them to back off on this approach.

Have you seen the work being done by www.piqueresproject.com/#

They're a group of young detransitioned women who have been through it all. They've spoken about how their parents could have helped though largely they just needed to see their daughters through. One thing that keeps coming up, however, is the usefulness of distraction. Getting the young person out and involved in other things and activities nothing to do with being trans

Kick it up to governor level and beyond.

I wonder if there's anything on this thread that might be worth showing the school?

Contact school governors?

Even contact ofsted as I feel the teachers are complicit in forceing sexist stereotypes here, coercion.

Feminist school governor www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3379144-Feminist-school-governor

Actually this is the thread I meant.

School governor clearly explains safeguarding issues grown up by Allsorts style guidance www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3520898-school-governor-clearly-explains-safeguarding-issues-grown-up-by-allsorts-style-guidance

Sorry forgot to add that this might help to counteract the influence from the school as you tackle what's happening

You could read the Children's Rights Impact Assessment from Women and Girls in Scotland, they actually address binding and ask the school whether their insurer knows they're breaching the law in supporting something that results in health issues for 96% of the women and girls who do it.

They also address the rights of parents and children in having their parents look out for them. The Children's Commissioner has accepted that CRIA as correct and has asked the Scottish Government to stop using the Scottish version of these kinds of guidelines recommending all this crap as it breaches the rights of children.

Also get a lawyer involved to write a cease and desist letter.

And as a parent, your responsibility is to act in the best interests of your child. Given that the medical professionals at the clinic you're supposed to go to have recently admitted that they have no evidence that medical transition is safe for children nor actually any proof that it is any more effective than watchful waiting, you are doing just that. The school is in the wrong here.

Didn't see the posts on ofsted, this 👇🏽

And then I’d report the school to ofsted for a safeguarding breech

This is shocking. I'm afraid I would whip my child out of that school faster than light and HE for a period if necessary.

Pushing children down a medical pathway and turning normal teenage puberty confusion into a pathology is horrendous child abuse.

There are no such things as 'boys activities' and no school should be promoting such a narrative.

Very sorry OP

Do you know if the school is part of an academy trust?

mousey I would try to watch whatever YouTube videos she is watching, with her, to counter the narrative of how easy transition is. There is so much out there that could persuade her she is trans when she’s not at all. I would ask for a meeting with the head & her teacher and ask them really do they think this sudden upsurge in girls identifying as trans & embarking on a journey of hormones & surgery is a good thing, or perhaps a very dangerous thing....remind them that approx 85% of children who go through puberty desist from feelings of gender disphoria. Also could you get a helpful therapist involved (that won’t encourage transition). I think getting to a more mature age before making drastic decisions is key. School have a duty of care, not a duty to encourage bodily mutilation.

Big guns. I'd be hiring a lawyer, asap. If you PM me I can get you in touch with one.

I will check all links posted and will be calling to check the policies too.

Being honest I was dumbfounded by the call and shocked that they had taken her seriously at all. Surely they know that giving a 14yo child these hormones is seriously dangerous and no one in their right mind would want that for their child?!?

Sorry for the short reply, I will check through properly once I'm back from the school run

Have you got any way of getting any legal advice and threatening the school with it?

Honestly I’d be so angry if they tried this shit with me?