How to get school to back off.

[mouseymummy]

My 14yo dd is struggling to figure out where she fits in at the moment, she's more of a "tomboy" but will happily put on a playsuit and leggings etc etc.... You know. Usual stuff kids go through as they try to figure out what they like and suits them.

However, she's been hanging around with a girl who wants to transition, her parents are very vocal about it all and buying her a binder and demanding her school etc refer to her as her "true name" as well as other things.

I've explained to my dd that you can be a woman and wear jeans and a flannel shirt, get your hair cut short etc... I'm always wearing jeans and tees. I wear "work boot" style boots as they're comfy and I have a condition that causes my joints to be loose so they're practical too. I've explained that you can be whoever you want to be. She's just not understanding how you can be just yourself. She's very much falling into stereotypes and saying how I dress dd6 in dresses etc... Thus is what she chose when getting dressed that morning, she had jeans on the day before.

School is not helping this.

They've told me that I'm "damaging her" by refusing to take her to the doctors and persueing a "transition" she's 14! I'm seriously waiting for a phone call to social services for not taking her to the doctor as its apparently "emotional abuse" ffs.

Ive ok'd her getting her hair cut short and we went shopping a couple of weeks ago for her to get some clothes she felt comfortable in, she chose leggings, a couple of pairs of jeans, a hoodie and a couple of slogan tees from the mens section in primark (they have a lot better slogan style tees than the women's section)

She's asked for a binder and I've refused. This has all started since school told her she could (her exact quote) "become a proper boy and do all the boy stuff" I asked her what is "boy stuff" she had no answer.

Schools safeguarding team (yes, really) rang me to tell me that they will be referring to her as her "boy name" and when I call up I will have to say I'm the parent of said boy. When I questioned this and asked if they had found anyone else with parental responsibility to OK this as I hadn't (they don't have her dad's number as we're not together and he works away so wouldn't be able to collect her in an emergency) they responded with no but this is what they do when a kid comes and "officially self identifies".

OK, if my kid decides when she's older to crack on n transition, fine, I'll support and be there.

But at 14???? I refuse to be part of it until she is better prepared in life and actually understand what the processes entails etc.

What can I do here??

It is just unbelievable that Memaids have this much influence in schools. Very worrying.

I am going to be spending my evening writing up stuff from the links given so I can go see the head with it all.

It was our old social worker that got the referral (thank goodness) we were involved with ss for a while as I left my ex while pregnant with my son due to dv. So he knows us well, he was quite shocked to hear it tbh. He said it didn't surprise him tho

I've read these posts before and never thought that I'd have to be involved with a self ID instance.

I limit the contact she has with her trans friend anyway and only allow them here (I won't allow her to go to the friends house any more because of her friends parents. And I don't allow them upstairs alone, I used to before all this started... However, her friend is a boy now so 🤷‍♀️.

All madness.... All of it!!!

I am adding paragraphs. The app is taking them away though. I apologise for the wall of text!

I can see paras, OP! Thank God for your decent SS worker

Would it be worth asking the school if they at any point when they were pushing ‘you are trans’ on her asked her if there was any chance she might be gay, given that from what you’ve said there’s just as good a chance she is gay as trans (or indeed neither) and that she has a friend that is pushing it heavily then it’s a question they should at least have asked her to consider and explained that there was nothing wrong with being gay, that there’s no need to decide anything at the moment, that lots of people are scared of the changes puberty causes in their body, long term mutilations are not the answer especially while still so conflicted.

I would then ask what their policies are on the young girls coming out as gay - because if they are pushing them towards transitioning rather than accepting they can be gay then that’s surely a very homophobic policy to have and not safeguarding the best interests of gay children...

Think about what you want from the meeting OP. It might range from no further discussions with your child about being trans - school to focus on her achievement, supporting good behaviour and her general wellbeing.
It might be that (especially if she's discovered that she gets a sympathetic response from some staff when she discusses trans issues) that there are some staff who will need to have specific instructions about not talking to her about this.
It's getting the Head to understand that you are extremely cross about the fact that school staff have been encouraging and enabling this with no prior discussion with you. BUT, because your child is your main priority you will hold off seeking legal advice / complaints to the governors etc. Instead you need reassurances that staff will maintain strict boundaries, have no discussions with her about gender / sex change but, if they are concerned about her wellbeing in any way, they will immediately contact you. And perhaps they could make a further CAMHs referral about her behaviour / or get her additional support that meets your approval?

I would withdraw my child from the school.

I would also be penning a stern letter to the governors regarding them encouraging my child (or any child) down the path of medical transition with no medical training. Given the serious concerns about this raised by a Tavistock governor recently, do they really want to be responsible and liable for irreversible damage to a minor. On what basis are they making this recommendation, with what guidance, experience or medical training?

I suspect their stance comes from a trans inclusion pack and/orctraining from one of the more extreme lobby groups so I would look that up online/ask them and rip it to pieces.

May be worth getting in touch with transgender trend?

It may be a good idea to ask about sexuality rather than anything else.

We're very open about sexuality as a family, my brother is gay and has recently moved in with his partner, we've had talks about a few issues the gay community face and how using "gay" as term of abuse is wrong etc.

Shes a very intelligent girl and has asked how I would feel if any of my kids came out as gay/bi etc.

Being honest, that thought hadn't occurred to me. But I will bring it up later with her.

I want this trans issue dropped. Its not helping her to be pulled out of lessons to be spoken about how she's going to be able to be a boy.

Ive spoken to her today about the call from school and she's said that she asked if she could still have kids if she transitions. She's been told yes. She can. I've told her straight. She can't. Part of transitioning is removing the organs that make her genetically female and able to carry kids. School haven't told her that bit !!!!

Ive spoken to her today about the call from school and she's said that she asked if she could still have kids if she transitions. She's been told yes. She can. I've told her straight. She can't. Part of transitioning is removing the organs that make her genetically female and able to carry kids. School haven't told her that bit !!!!

😮

Wow. Thankfully it was referred to a social worker who was wiling to listen and even better that it was someone who knows your family. Would they be prepared to approach school or write a letter?

Would it also be worth talking to your GP and have them do something similar?

Watchful waiting should be the case here.

I am so sorry for you that you have been put in this situation. I have a daughter who hasn't worn a dress since she could formally object, plays football and forms relationships with boys much more easily than she does with girls. It is my biggest fear that as she goes through puberty she will start to see herself as different as she rejects make up, stereotypical girlie clothing and that somehow that will end up with her rejecting her female body.

Trans men sometimes can and do bear children, depends what they've done to themselves. But clearly it's a massive gamble with your fertility and overall health to have anything to do with cross sex hormones or puberty blockers. And a mastectomy would obviously rule out breastfeeding. I heard that long-term use of testosterone in female bodies makes hysterectomy inevitable at some point, but clearly not immediately.

But you should definitely stress to her the huge health risks of taking hormones that your body is not designed for, including the risks of becoming infertile.

How dare the school:
Refer you to the SS
Swallow and spout mermaid crap
Tell your daughter that she can still have kids if she ‘turns boy’ (yeah if you fitness actually go down the medical route and therefore are still a WOMAN)
To be pushing this agenda on a child

I’d be looking for a lawyer to contact them to tell them to back off, never talk to her about this and put the fear of for into them.

If you go for a meeting would your brother come along? He may have some insights into the whole ‘you’re not gay - your soul was just put into he wrong body’ 😡

My sister would have been in this same situation if she was a child now. I would have lost my sister. My gay sister who has no truck with all this crap.

I’m in a rush so sorry if it’s already been said, but I would suggest you bring a chaperone with you so they can take written notes (and provide moral support).

Brother - the brother!

Good grief OP. A random adult in a school having that discussion with a child

The Transgender Trend website has a lot of discussions about this as it's run by parents for parents. It's worth a look.

I heard that long-term use of testosterone in female bodies makes hysterectomy inevitable at some point, but clearly not immediately.

Yes because of cancer risk otherwise due to taking testosterone

I’d also be taking some photos of what the surgery really looks like in the aftermath. It is horrific and the drugs routine that is necessary for true rest of your life.

Ask them if this real information was provided by mermaids or if they just showed some jelly babies and beanie dolls? Is this what they are pushing a child they don’t acrually know towards? Why?

Can you get your hands on the crap mermaids shoves at the schools and go through it?

I'm going to contact her dad once he's back at his hotel later on, I've already told him I need to talk to him about dd and school.

If we arrange the meeting for a Monday. Morning or Friday afternoon he may be able to attend although he might be massively angry so he may not be the best to ask.

My sister in law asked if she could come earlier. She offered to help rip the head a new hole (to put it mildly) I'm not sure that would go down well haha!! Although it would be rather amusing to watch. Lol

I've told dd we need to sit and talk about what they've said to her and the truth.

I don’t know much about transgender trend - are they phone-able? Could they suggest someone who could support you?

Have you seen the article by James Kirkup in the MOS? Linked to on another thread, sums up a lot of the worrying aspects of trans ideology very well - and touches on the controversy and diminishing respect the advice being provided by charities that are actually lobby groups. Stonewall have seen donations drop by 40% - several big donors unhappy at their current fixation on this issue seems to be behind it. Their CEO has stepped down.

Have you seen this thread? Might be of some interest to you? Sorry, I haven’t read it myself yet - it just stood out that there might be some useful advice

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3523125-Ftm-detransitioner-ask-me-anything

Show her the recent Miranda shitstorm - this demonstrated how vicious these people are (and that is generally people who are standing on shaky ground and lashing out).

Show her that it isn’t all stunning and brave. It’s not being special, interesting and it won’t let you off being bullied, confused about your identity or scared about growing up. It doesn’t broaden your horizons it definately closes them.

Slightly aside, please forgive, but

Series 2 of Sirens has started, and I'm finding it difficult to be sympathetic to the mermaids. They used to be just wild ravanous hissing fish-chewing seal-bothering human-murderers

But now because of all this, I've gone right off them.

I have literally just seen the thread, I'm going to ask op for some advice too. Hopefully a chat tonight will help her see why I'm worried.

There is also a JK article mentioning how Mermaids are at odds with ethical medical practice regarding transition. Will see if I can find it.