How to get school to back off.

[mouseymummy]

My 14yo dd is struggling to figure out where she fits in at the moment, she's more of a "tomboy" but will happily put on a playsuit and leggings etc etc.... You know. Usual stuff kids go through as they try to figure out what they like and suits them.

However, she's been hanging around with a girl who wants to transition, her parents are very vocal about it all and buying her a binder and demanding her school etc refer to her as her "true name" as well as other things.

I've explained to my dd that you can be a woman and wear jeans and a flannel shirt, get your hair cut short etc... I'm always wearing jeans and tees. I wear "work boot" style boots as they're comfy and I have a condition that causes my joints to be loose so they're practical too. I've explained that you can be whoever you want to be. She's just not understanding how you can be just yourself. She's very much falling into stereotypes and saying how I dress dd6 in dresses etc... Thus is what she chose when getting dressed that morning, she had jeans on the day before.

School is not helping this.

They've told me that I'm "damaging her" by refusing to take her to the doctors and persueing a "transition" she's 14! I'm seriously waiting for a phone call to social services for not taking her to the doctor as its apparently "emotional abuse" ffs.

Ive ok'd her getting her hair cut short and we went shopping a couple of weeks ago for her to get some clothes she felt comfortable in, she chose leggings, a couple of pairs of jeans, a hoodie and a couple of slogan tees from the mens section in primark (they have a lot better slogan style tees than the women's section)

She's asked for a binder and I've refused. This has all started since school told her she could (her exact quote) "become a proper boy and do all the boy stuff" I asked her what is "boy stuff" she had no answer.

Schools safeguarding team (yes, really) rang me to tell me that they will be referring to her as her "boy name" and when I call up I will have to say I'm the parent of said boy. When I questioned this and asked if they had found anyone else with parental responsibility to OK this as I hadn't (they don't have her dad's number as we're not together and he works away so wouldn't be able to collect her in an emergency) they responded with no but this is what they do when a kid comes and "officially self identifies".

OK, if my kid decides when she's older to crack on n transition, fine, I'll support and be there.

But at 14???? I refuse to be part of it until she is better prepared in life and actually understand what the processes entails etc.

What can I do here??

Here it is:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/blogs.spectator.co.uk/2018/05/why-are-some-mps-trying-to-shut-down-the-transgender-debate/amp/

Thank you for the link. I will give it a read.

Will be off for a bit as I've to do bedtime, talk to dd and then talk to her dad too.

@Beamur is it really that much? Do you remember where you saw that?

Stonewall have seen donations drop by 40%

Oh and the wobbly doctor who was struck off for dispensive drugs to kids like sweeties (jelly babies of you will). Mermaids still endorse her.

Not sure if this has been mentioned yet, but the UK signs up to Human Rights conventions. The part on education says that education should be the same regardless of sex, careers advice should be equal etc. It might be worth drawing the school's attention to this.

You can refer the school to LADO for safeguarding concerns.

I would also see the GP/private Ed psych for ADHD and ASD assessment.

If you suspect she is gay then maybe some films/TV shows with female characters maybe helpful.

It feels like this kind of scenario is becoming common. Is there a name and shame list for schools that push transition? There should be.

It might have been referenced on the thread about Ruth Hunts resignation (speculation as to why)

I’d also want to know what kind of mh assessments the school has done - surely teens wanting to transition would be better off with a referral to a clinical psychologist/camhs than being told they can be a boy.

It really is terrifying.

Remember the words 'informed choice'

If they are pushing her down any road without your involvement and consent use the words 'undue pressure'.

If they are stuffing her head full of ideas about hormones or binders, ask them whether they are also giving information regarding the side effects of this, both long term and short term. Eg chronic abdominal pain which leads to womb aphrophy and hysterectomy and whether if they have failed to properly inform your daughter, whether they would like to be held legally accountable in the future for having failed in their duty of care to proceed in line with ethical practice that is required in medicine.

In writing.

Is also ask the qualifications of whoever is the school-appointed Transfinder General. I suspect a half day brainwash with sandwich lunch (and jelly babies).

Oh don't forget osteoporosis.

And the general lack of research in this area because of failure to carry out proper follow up studies.

Ask to see a copy of the schools public liability insurance policy, note the name of the insurer, then write to them asking if they are aware their insured is no longer only in the business of education, but counselling and psychologist advocating gender transition to vulnerable teenagers. Copy the head. Oh, and buy them some bog roll first. Major brown trousers all round 😆

Can you get some of the ‘Transgender Trend’ packs and take them in with you? Tell the head and that dickhead ‘un’safe guarding person, that they need to read it, if they’re serious about protecting children. Also point out to them that they are under no legal obligation to follow mermaid training. FFS! I’m so angry at them.

The TGT Pack:

www.transgendertrend.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Transgender-Trend-Resource-Pack-for-Schools.pdf

You can stick it on a stick.

Jesus wept. I am generally supportive of the trans community, however it’s abusive to plant seeds in a child’s head that she is trans. I’m even more shocked they told her she can have a baby post-transition.

I can absolutely understand that the school have a certain level of responsibility to protect trans children and provide them with support. That support should be impartial and tailored to the individual. Not just “oh you’re a bit of a tomboy, have you considered being trans?”

I’m just really shocked by this. I hope your DD finds her own comfort in herself and her body and her mental health.

You need to see a solicitor. Try one who specialises in education law. (Try calling the Law Society or whatever they’re called now, to see if they can recommend anyone in your area.) Also, try to get an initial free consultation. Many firms will do this.
If no education lawyers near you, or they’re too expensive, try a local family/divorce lawyer. They will generally give a free time limited initial consultation. Try to get a female solicitor for this, who will be used to giving advice to women in difficult positions.
Good luck. It must be immensely stressful. I hope your family get through this.

Oh. And I do think you need to get legal advice and take legal action. This safe guarding has gone to far the other way. It isn’t transphobic to not want your child to feel as though trans is the only label that fits them.

This is way beyond safeguarding and straight into ‘harm’ territory.

I wonder if its worth putting this on the Family Rights Group parenting forum. They ha e a section titled general discussion, it could go in as a topic. What's happening to you is that you Parental Responsibility is being overridden by the school, but without any form of court order. They may advise on the PR aspect, or may just ignore you.
Definitely get everything in writing.

Just spoken to her dad. He was apoplectic. Actually never heard him like that before, he's coming with me, no matter what day and he's going to contact a solicitor tomorrow to see if we can take it further.

I told him I'd got some advice from you all and he has requested all the links and will look through them.

His wife is in education so she is currently messaging me and she is going to check her schools stance on this too as she is disgusted.

Her dad has told me that I don't need to get stressed over it and he will handle it from here.

Ive also had a chat with dd, she's said she told school that she doesn't like wearing girly stuff and was unhappy about periods etc (aren't we all???). I've told her we can go to the GP and talk to them about period pain and ways to potentially stop them or help with it, I'm not sure what they will do but we can see, and I've told her that wearing jeans and a hoodie doesn't mean you're a boy.

We've also had the convo about how she feels with regard to being gay etc, I've told her again that it doesn't matter who she date's, as long as she's happy, then I'm happy for her.

Just compiling the links etc to send to her dad.

Thank you so much!

You've all really helped me.

Can I just say what a fantastic job you’re doing here, I am so impressed. Your convos with her are great and now her dad and stepmum are involved an onside I don’t think the school stand a chance against you all. Their stance has been utterly atrocious.

What the bloody hell!? That’s absolutely outrageous. I would be incensed. Good on you and her dad OP for standing your ground. Good luck!

So glad that you're all on the same page OP. This is a very important thread as it is evidence of how easily some adults in schools have been persuaded to behave in appalling (and illegal) ways in relation to trans issues and children.

People have been writing to MPs / the Secretary of State for Education warning that schools are being told by lobby groups to ignore parental rights / responsibilities but so far they have ignored all these warnings.

Wishing you all the best of luck - especially your daughter as she navigates her way through this difficult time of puberty.