How to get school to back off.

[mouseymummy]

My 14yo dd is struggling to figure out where she fits in at the moment, she's more of a "tomboy" but will happily put on a playsuit and leggings etc etc.... You know. Usual stuff kids go through as they try to figure out what they like and suits them.

However, she's been hanging around with a girl who wants to transition, her parents are very vocal about it all and buying her a binder and demanding her school etc refer to her as her "true name" as well as other things.

I've explained to my dd that you can be a woman and wear jeans and a flannel shirt, get your hair cut short etc... I'm always wearing jeans and tees. I wear "work boot" style boots as they're comfy and I have a condition that causes my joints to be loose so they're practical too. I've explained that you can be whoever you want to be. She's just not understanding how you can be just yourself. She's very much falling into stereotypes and saying how I dress dd6 in dresses etc... Thus is what she chose when getting dressed that morning, she had jeans on the day before.

School is not helping this.

They've told me that I'm "damaging her" by refusing to take her to the doctors and persueing a "transition" she's 14! I'm seriously waiting for a phone call to social services for not taking her to the doctor as its apparently "emotional abuse" ffs.

Ive ok'd her getting her hair cut short and we went shopping a couple of weeks ago for her to get some clothes she felt comfortable in, she chose leggings, a couple of pairs of jeans, a hoodie and a couple of slogan tees from the mens section in primark (they have a lot better slogan style tees than the women's section)

She's asked for a binder and I've refused. This has all started since school told her she could (her exact quote) "become a proper boy and do all the boy stuff" I asked her what is "boy stuff" she had no answer.

Schools safeguarding team (yes, really) rang me to tell me that they will be referring to her as her "boy name" and when I call up I will have to say I'm the parent of said boy. When I questioned this and asked if they had found anyone else with parental responsibility to OK this as I hadn't (they don't have her dad's number as we're not together and he works away so wouldn't be able to collect her in an emergency) they responded with no but this is what they do when a kid comes and "officially self identifies".

OK, if my kid decides when she's older to crack on n transition, fine, I'll support and be there.

But at 14???? I refuse to be part of it until she is better prepared in life and actually understand what the processes entails etc.

What can I do here??

Why are teachers discussing periods and sexuality with children (and not in an education way)?

This has made me incensed! What fucking right do they have? Because they’ve had an hours training they think they can irreparably mutilate a child’s body! Bastards!
Sorry op, glad your and her dad are on the same page, and glad he’s mentioned seeing a solicitor!

‘Training’ or ‘re-education’?

Nothing to add to the excellent advice so far, or the excellent line you and your ex are taking (and hooray for a sane, un-woke social worker), but cheering you on from the sidelines.

Good luck OP.
Your daughter is lucky to have you as her Mum.

Why are teachers discussing periods and sexuality?

Because as dds dad put it "they're all so goddam careful about being labelled as transphobic that they've gone to delusional" can't say as I disagree tbh.

I'm very lucky that the social worker got the case and knew me well enough to take the rant... I may have said that if she can self identify as a new gender then surely I can self identify as a sloth? I quite like that idea 😂

I think dd is kind of grossed out as she's just posted on her Snapchat story that she's embarrassed as I've had another "cringe af" convo with her 😂 sorry kid!

I think dd is kind of grossed out as she's just posted on her Snapchat story that she's embarrassed as I've had another "cringe af" convo with her 😂 sorry kid!

I love you, OP!

Bloody hell OP, what a day you've had! Thank Christ your DD has sensible parents. Mermaids has a lot to answer for. I hope your case with the school makes them reconsider their position, for fear of law suits, but I expect they will stick to their story and become entrenched.

Good luck with everything that follows, may the force of the radfems be with you! Long live Mumsnet!

Ofsted’s submission to ‘enforcing the equality act’

data.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/committeeevidence.svc/evidencedocument/women-and-equalities-committee/enforcing-the-equality-act-the-law-and-the-role-of-the-equality-and-human-rights-commission/written/91110.html

They’re certainly aware of problems of girls rights v trans rights and undue pressure being put on schools by lobby groups.

I do think anybody experiencing problems should contact them.

[email protected] is the email, they do answer and if they are concerned about safeguarding concerns you raise they will pass to the local county council to deal with. They will then advise you to go through the schools formal complaint system. But if this is a widespread issue (which I think it probably is) people do need to keep letting them know.

Just another voice of support OP, you're handling this about as well as any parent possibly could confronted with this madness. Glad DD's dad is on board with dealing with the school and hope you can put the fear of god into them so they don't try this shit with other kids. It would appear parents are going to have to kick back really hard against this, schools seem to have swallowed the Mermaids trope whole and without question.

So pleased that you and her DF and SM are all on the same page.

OP, as I wrote upthread my dd aged 14 has been through this, and the end result was that she is gay.

The trans trend is very submissive of and against buthc lesbian and very effeminate gay men. It is important to let your dd know that both those grops have been around for ever, and are not in any way trans. That they are part of the normal range of human females.
I think one of the things that helped dd was realising the very cool drummer in the brass band she plays in was gay. She has quite a masculine style (combat trousers and DM boots) and I think the penny dropped for dd that many women out there actually have short hair and don't like girly clothes! It seems like a small thing, but these small messages add up.

Just wanted to add this resource for your daughter to look at when she is ready/when you think it’s appropriate.

It’s 4 young women who used to identify as trans but now realise they were mistaken and have reconciled with their female bodies.

They have some really insightful commentary about how they came to believe they were boys in girls bodies, and how the trans narrative is letting our children, teenagers and young people down, especially those who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual (or who will eventually grow up to be so).

They are clever, funny and inspiring. There are videos of them on YouTube and they use all the usual social media sites, their website lists where else you can find them.

Pique Resilience Project: www.piqueresproject.com

the default response to 'I want to be a different gender' in anyone who is a minor should be a GP appointment and a referral for counselling. I really cannot understand anything else.

When we were kids there wasn’t such thing. Why is is nowadays - when we are supposed to be oh so progressive - when little Johnny asks for a my little pony parents don’t say ‘ok son, here you go, sparkle unicorn pony like you wanted’. Why is it OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A GIRL!!! QUACK! CALL DR WOBBKLY FOR A PRESCRIPTION TO FIX THIS’

the default response to 'I want to be a different gender' in anyone who is a minor should be a GP appointment and a referral for counselling. I really cannot understand anything else.

It is coming from guidance from lobby groups like Mermaids who have no medical or safeguarding experience and are often at odds with those who do.

Lots of councils are signing off on ‘trans inclusion guidance’ packs for schools based on material by groups like Allsorts. These packs advise schools to do what the OP’s school is doing, and push training for teachers along the same lines. And teaching for the kids too.

This needs to be tackled at the source of the issue or pretty much all schools will be taking this approach soon.

hedgeharris gender is a perception though so I’m not sure what a GP can do about that.

I would echo what others have said about school's place too. I have been helping to write a safeguarding policy recently, for an after school club, and we put in a phrase about recognising when kids came to us with issues beyond our scope and capabilities that we should not be advising etc, but refering them on to people who know what they are talking about (through parents).

when kids came to us with issues beyond our scope and capabilities that we should not be advising etc, but refering them on to people who know what they are talking about (through parents).

And not to cod science lobby groups like Mermaids.

Worth adding that the TES might be fanning many flames in education.

The GP can refer them for counselling to explore what that means - or a different sex. At the moment a GP is how you access mh services in a lot of cases - if they could direct refer themselves that spike be great.

You can’t help thinking schools are dealing with this due to nhs counselling funding shortages and they really shouldn’t be.

Nope, the default should not be GP and counselling.

For a young child it should be a pat on the head, a firm "you can dress however you want and play with whatever toys you want, now enjoy being you, you are wonderful as you are."

If your child is not old enough to sit in front of a video of a double mastectomy, hysterectomy, skin graft taken from arm and phalloplasty/ orchiectomy and penile inversion, they are not old enough to consider transition. They should be supported in breaking whatever gender norms they want with regards to dress and toys, but not encouraged to think they are transgender at that age.

After all, when your five year old announces he's a unicorn, you don't take him off to the vet.

Young teens need careful, non-judgemental counselling to explore issues, including comorbid issues like depression, autism, anorexia etc. and historical issues like past sexual abuse, not affirmation only.

New school guidance: refer them to Fermats.

GreeGreenEggsHamandChips thank you for the explanation. Depending on the OP's situation that sounds like a very sensible strategy. Given that there are lawyers now willing to advise parents as someone mentioned up thread, I would still want to talk to them to find out where I stand then but keep any letter from a lawyer as backup.

I don’t think we are disagreeing fermat, I was talking about troubled teens. This is a distressing issue. For primary age I absolutely agree. My 4 year old told me she wanted to be a boy yesterday, I won’t be rushing to counselling.