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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

945 replies

TinselAngel · 06/01/2019 12:47

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity" Hmm

If you are in that position-

  1. You are not alone
  2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
  3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.
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TinselAngel · 14/08/2019 17:30

Also implications of being dependent which isn't very helpful.

I wonder if they talk about us?

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anonymoustranswidowoneofmany · 14/08/2019 19:53

I only know of one online support group for trans spouses and there was a bit too much koolaid there for my taste

This has always been true - 25-20 years ago when I was going through this it was the Beaumont Society. And this is because of course when you want support those are the places your partner/husband tells you to go. And you don't know any better. To start with.

Mumsnet, here, this thread - this is the actual place for supporting women.

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TinselAngel · 14/08/2019 20:01

My ex directed me to the Beaumont Society, which seemed to have brainwashing wives as pretty much its main aim.

I often wonder if the Beaumont Society image of the benign transvestite was ever true, or whether it was always just propaganda.

Yes, it's a great support having this space on Mumsnet. I do wonder if I /we should set something independent up though in case they ever get fed up with us here.

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TheMostBeautifulDogInTheWorld · 14/08/2019 20:13

We should stay here (at least all the while they'll have us, and I see no sign at all that they won't). This is where we reach so many women.

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TinselAngel · 14/08/2019 20:24

Has everybody apart from me named changed?

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socialworker222 · 14/08/2019 23:26

What d'you mean Tinsel?

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TinselAngel · 14/08/2019 23:39

I get the feeling that the last couple of posters have probably been around before but name changed? I'm like a mother who can't keep track of all her children!ShockConfusedSmile

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socialworker222 · 15/08/2019 07:13

Ah I see. Do people name change because its such a twitchy business being GC? We've talked about the constant low-level vigilance particularly for those of us in Woke environments at work (I'm in one and I'm not even a 'social worker' ). BTW Cadanita I wanted to ask if you're OK. Totally understand the unsayable feelings of wanting ex not involved re. your grandchild. I hope it doesn't spoil your joy and excitement. These life moments bring them back into view, and make me feel those events are spoiled a bit by having to deal with their communications. In my case I at least don't have to have him involved in person as my kids haven't seen him for years but I still dread birthdays, Xmas, and am thinking of anyone dealing with exam results today and next week. My ex suddenly pops up at these moments believing he is Superdad and terribly important despte crappy handling of contact, maintenance etc up to now. When he left he proclaimed the 'kids need their father'-itis, while having tottered away in heels without a backwards glance in a most unparental way to focus solely on no. 1.This is no different from much chat on MN about useless fathers, but we aren't meant to speak of it because our exs are so different and special Smile

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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/08/2019 07:32

This is no different from much chat on MN about useless fathers, but we aren't meant to speak of it because our exs are so different and special!.

For the first few years after a childhood friend transitioned they told their Ex they couldn't afford CMS or spend time with the DC because manicures, clothing etc took all their time and money.

Fortunately this individual comes from a lovely family who put pressure/encouraged over several years until my friend started behaving like a proper dad.

My friend's Ex has since remarried and is very happy. My friend lives a very isolated life and has never had any sort of relationship as far as anyone is aware.

There was a very long thread on the late lamented blog GenderTrender in which hundreds of transwidows shared their experiences. This overwhelming absorption in the minutiae of transition appears to be common.

It reminds me of the incredibly self absorbed behaviour of men in the throes of a midlife crisis. Wife, DC, all his responsibilities - everything is thown aside while the man pursues his sexual obsession.

In the second case the man runs off with the OW. In the first case the OW is himself.

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TinselAngel · 15/08/2019 11:23

I wonder if anybody archived the gendertrender thread? I hear it mentioned a lot.

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WifeOfTiresias · 15/08/2019 15:10

I have this name just for this thread as OH is on Mumsnet and knows my usual posting name.

I figure if he recognises me on here it serves him right for looking as this is clearly a support space for TWs and is not for him.

We get on OK on the whole but I really need a space to vent to others who understand what this is like or my head will explode.

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TinselAngel · 15/08/2019 16:31

I wish they'd keep off MN altogether.

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ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow · 15/08/2019 21:56

I've name changed but I do fairly regularly for security purposes

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shannonthrace · 15/08/2019 23:45

@tinselangel @WifeOfTiresias

No, I wasn't aware of that one. It was Helen Boyd's "Engender" yahoo group.

It's not a totally terrible group. There are women there speaking openly about their husbands' fetish behavior, creepy sex requests, compulsive money spending, lying, cheating, etc., and it's ok to say any of this, and it's ok to say you're going to leave the marriage.

It's just not ok to suggest that this is a pattern of fetishism or narcissism or abuse, nor to question trans activists are condoning these patterns, nor to suggest it might be a bad idea to transition kids.

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WifeOfTiresias · 16/08/2019 08:04

Hi @shannonthrace

Yes, it is the refusal to question the increasingly alarming transactivist script that I can't stomach from these groups. None of them seem to be interested in standing up for the interests of families devastated by this bullshit, they just seem to be a place provided for partners to have a bit of a moan then carry on putting up with the crap

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TinselAngel · 16/08/2019 10:13

I think Naeferty said similar things to me about the "My Wife Betty" group.

I'm convinced that any group for trans widows that has any relationship whatsoever with a trans group, or that is run by somebody who is still in a relationship with a trans partner, can never give decent support to women.

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TinselAngel · 16/08/2019 10:14

On a related note- I'm going to have to start a new thread soon!

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TinselAngel · 16/08/2019 21:09

AGP help please www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3666911-AGP-help-please

Interesting related and current thread. I particularly recommend the link posted by @SheWhoMustBeSilent about the link between shame and narcissistic rage. It would certainly explain why a lot of trans widow's ex's behave the way they do.

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Tyrotoxicity · 17/08/2019 06:11

I'm only caught up as far as April, but Tinsel invited me to post, and I can't put it off any more.

I'm kind of a mess, thanks to a shitty abusive father and a paedophile next door. Jumped headfirst into a relationship with the first man who really showed an interest, had a kid with him, found MN as a result.

He's an AGP.

Thanks to you lot, I know how this script goes. And I mean that thanks sincerely - the experiences of every woman on this thread have been hideous, but they have explicated a very clear pattern, and I am grateful to you all for talking about the hells you've been through and are going through. You've helped at least one person to see what's coming and get the hell out before it can get that bad.

I've been reluctant to post before because I feel somewhat fraudulent - my ex never went down the "I'm actually a woman" road, and he's been fairly well inoculated against that path by my incessant radfem ranting, and recently admitted he's been trying to tone back the fetish because he can recognise it's not benign.

Then tonight I found out one of my rapists is a woman these days, apparently.

I really don't know what to do with this. This fucking fetish is everywhere.

(I'm not taking this lying down though. He's not a woman; he's a rapist. And he's just been publicly named as one too.)

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TinselAngel · 17/08/2019 10:12

Hi Tyro. Don't feel fraudulent, if Pips Bunce can identify as a woman, you can definitely be here!

Firstly have a Boundary Badge for asserting your boundaries and getting out 🌟

Just because your ex is going through a purge period now doesn't mean it won't escalate.

I'm sorry to hear about your other experience. Thanks Given the statistics about how many trans prisoners are sex offenders, it's not surprising unfortunately. Maybe it will help to realise this seems to be some kind of trend?

I hope you have some support IRL with all this? eg rape counselling.

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Tyrotoxicity · 17/08/2019 11:19

There's another thing I need to thank you all for - the knowledge that they purge and then get sucked even further in. I'm quietly hopeful that he means it when he says he's been pulling back from it, but I'm very aware that this could change.

His drummer's just decided to transition and ex has been pretty scathing about it, which gives me more hope, but who knows? Still, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

I tried counselling several times over the years but it's never helped much. These days I'm in with specialist trauma services - three rapists, one paedophile, and a violent and psychologically abusive father to process; this is going to take a while, and that's without even getting into the effects of having my oppression fetishised by someone who was supposed to love me.

Spotting the trend is helpful because it means my rage is very much directed outwards rather than inwards, but at the same time it's hideously depressing.

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TinselAngel · 17/08/2019 11:35

You still sound quite involved in your ex's drama Tyro - how does it make you feel if you imagine taking a complete step back from it? Not your circus, not your monkeys etc.

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Tyrotoxicity · 17/08/2019 13:02

I'm not massively involved really (I don't think) - we just talk a lot, because I see him most days (what with having a child in common) and we get on fine now that we're not cohabiting. I don't get sucked into any drama though - I just get the edited highlights and do a lot eyerolling. It's like a soap opera really. Mildly entertaining but ultimately irrelevant and doesn't really affect me.

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TinselAngel · 17/08/2019 14:25

I wouldn't provide him with an audience personally but I'm a hard faced bitch these days.

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ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow · 17/08/2019 23:00

Welcome Tyro! Fabulous you got out before it really hits the fan - I agree with Tinsel - don't give him an audience.

My ex was very scathing about gay or bisexual men - "the fucking gay mafia taking over!" Next thing you know he's having his female penis removed at the taxpayer's expense and getting a new birth certificate to prove he was born a girl almost 50 years ago.

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