Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

[imablackstarnotapopstar]

Welcome shannon - thanks for joining us here. One aspect we haven't discussed much (or if we did I missed it!) is how some of us in the public eye are silenced for fear of retribution.

My private experience I can discuss with close friends and here but publicly I cannot comment. The trans community can say what they like, such as that the word woman to describe an adult human female is transphobic, with a chorus of women in the same field as me cheering them on as stunning and brave, while we are turned on if we dare to even discuss it.

A friend of mine who is concerned about these issues but still respectful towards anyone she encounters, was ganged up on at a party full of mutual women friends with no personal experience of it and screamed at for simply saying she didn't believe men can be women by just declaring themselves to be. They brought the subject up!

I feel ashamed I don't publicly stand up for us, but I know there'd be a witch hunt.

[socialworker222]

Yes, I wondered shannon how much harassment/abuse you have received since going public? I take my hat off to you as I hide behind identities in public...

[QuinnMovesOn]

I hate the fact that I can't speak publicly about any of this under my own name. I teach at a college and am quite sure I would lose my job. Kudos to our wonderful forum facilitator TinselAngel and Shannon and the brave women who speak openly about our experiences as trans widows.

[socialworker222]

Are we getting grief on here with these deleted messages?

[imablackstarnotapopstar]

No it was just porn spam

[TinselAngel]

That's spectacularly mis targeted!

[imablackstarnotapopstar]

IKR? No I didn't want to see her hot ass! 😂😂😂

[WifeOfTiresias]

Has anyone been watching the trans storyline on Casualty tonight?

It has angered me so much I have been literally shouting at the TV.

Typical woke nonsense with the bullshit idea that that baby "has two mummies now" and the poor wife objecting to that is portrayed as a ranting harridan. Who of course admits the error of her ways by the end of the episode, hurrah!

No, that baby has ONE mummy, she's the one who carried him, gave birth to him, breastfed him and likely did the lion's share of childcare at the expense of her career while his "other mummy" was too busy advancing his own career to help.

That baby was created in the usual way, by a mummy and a daddy. However you try to twist reality, a daddy DOES NOT become a mummy!

And breathe....

Thanks for listening to that rant everyone, I just needed to get that off my chest.

[TinselAngel]

Fortunately I missed it. I don't think I've watched Casualty for about 20 years. My Mum is a big fan though. I'll have to ask her what she thought of it.

[TinselAngel]

Casualty- anyone watching? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3655493-casualty-anyone-watching

Some of our FWR sisters were also annoyed!

[WifeOfTiresias]

The whole two mums thing seems to be official NHS orthodoxy in my experience, so Casually was accurate in this respect.

When DH came out to neighbours, one of them trotted off and explained carefully to her DC that my kids now had two mummies, without even talking to me about it. I was bloody furious and put her straight. She works in NHS policy setting and apparently the two mums lie is part of their official trans policy.

[SisterResister]

Stay safe @Oldermum156

[Oldermum156]

Thank you

[ferntwist]

More of us need to start speaking up, our truth, quietly but firmly. The sky won’t fall in. Men can’t become women, especially not with ‘female’ penis. Most people agree with us.

[MeMinusWine]

Hi

I just wanted to thank you all on the feminism board but particularly this thread.

I’ve never been sure about how I feel about trans (aside from being confident that I’d be devastated if my husband was to come out as trans) and I’ve generally kept my mouth shut for fear of being called a TERF.

Until this thread, I didn’t realise how common it was for CD to trans, the pressure the trans community can put on men, the common themes between them (that really surprised me and strikes me as more than just a few coincidences!) and the lack of support for the partners, children, family left behind and expected to just deal with it.

To those of you dealing with this, my heart goes out to you.

[TinselAngel]

Thanks for your support, MeMinusWine. Although in the context of this thread it's not
" the pressure the trans community can put on men" which is of concern, rather it is the pressure that is put on women.

[MeMinusWine]

@TinselAngel Gah yes. My typing on the phone doesn’t keep up with my train of thought! Sorry! X

[Ebbandfl0w]

Sad today. Things were looking up for a while there but I think everything is just being hidden from me. I've discovered some lies and am seriously looking into the practicalities of separation.
It's so confronting when you find out something and put it to them and watch them lie to your face. He's been confiding in new friends. Exactly like last time. I feel like such a fool. I know you all know the feeling.
What do you all do with lies, confront them straight away or hold off in the hopes of uncovering more? I will lose my source if I say anything now.....
I wish we had a physical support group. A proper catch up like they get.

[Toomanytears]

I've been following this thread and have been meaning to check back in for a while now.

Ebb if you are absolutely sure you are being lied to (and you probably are ) then I would wait and stay silent. Don't rock the boat in any way and very quietly, without him noticing get ready to leave.

I am 5 months in to my self imposed 12 month stay. I'm finding it hard but knowing it will be over keeps me going. My situation, like yours, isn't going to change unless I change it. I am moving money about, checking how much money I will need/ could claim. I know dh should pay child support but will he? I need to consider he won't.

If you confront him now he will lie again or get angry and you will either need to accept that and back down and have another bit of your soul chipped away or you will need to leave when you are not ready. I apologise if I sound harsh. I am possibly projecting my own feelings on your situation. My dh 'coming out' did tear me to pieces but now I'm just surviving, putting one foot in front of the other until I leave.

Tbf to dh, I don't think he has done any CD since he told me. We have had lots of conversations and he said he wanted to stop as he had a moment of clarity when he realized that if he didn't get help his cross dressing would escalate and he would become someone he doesn't want to be. How the WHO can say trans isn't at least potentially a mental health issue is absolutely beyond me when it so clearly can be! He is having a lot of counseling and lots of mental health issues and traumatic experiences are resurfacing making him hard to live with. I am trying to support him with these as I can see he is doing everything he can to save our marriage but it's over. The trust has gone and deep down I think that the cross dressing has merely been put aside for now.

[Ebbandfl0w]

Thanks TmT. Yeah I definitely know he is lying about where he has been and has been lying by omission about other things. He won't get angry but it will drive his behaviour further underground which I don't want. I'll hold my tongue for now. Just remember it all to tell my psychologist.
Your situation sounds similar to mine. I'm holding out until I get myself sorted.

[Toomanytears]

It's miserable. I feel like he's 'stolen' 20 years from me and now I'm using up another year of my life on him. I resent that, even though we have had lots of good times and our wonderful dc, I would never have got into a relationship with him if I'd known all this back then.

I hate that my dc will grow up with separated parents. That to the outside world it will look like it's all my doing. I'll be the bad guy. I would just like to make it quite clear in case I offend anyone that I absolutely don't judge or think there is anything wrong with single parents. I just know that our separating will bring a lot of heartache for them that shouldn't be happening. He should be who he told me he was and we would still be happily married. But he isn't, he's a lying, devious dick.

[KatvonHostileExtremist]

No one sane would blame you. Ever. This is not your fault. and hugs.

[Ebbandfl0w]

omg TmT We are in the same boat. I feel awful at the thought of being the one who "doesn't love enough" to want this and ultimately the one who decides to separate.
We are going to be poor after this and I'm scared my teens will blame me. 😢

[TinselAngel]

Ebb, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to give you a very gentle, and sisterly kick up the bum for that.

This situation is not either yours or Too's fault for "not loving enough! This situation is on them. You are being asked to tolerate (or maybe even celebrate) the intolerable. But you have too much love and respect for yourself and your children be able to do so.

With regards to confrontation versus ducks in a row- do whatever is best for you. Maintaining your own mental health needs to be your top priority.