Hello everyone, I've been pointed to this thread by a friend of mine as a good place for support and also to see the patterns between my ex's behaviour and other transexuals towards their partners and ex partners.
I'm sorry this post is so long but it's partly to give you an overview, and partly cathartic for me to let a bit of it out.
My ex was a man when we met at university. I was very poorly, and he became my carer as well as my partner. I was very grateful for his attention and support. When he told me at that stage that he liked to occasionally wear women's clothes, he hugely downplayed it saying it was only occasional, not serious and didn't want to do it full time, and so I decided that was a reasonable balance that I could cope with.
During the next 7 years, it gradually became more important to him, and as my health improved and the kids came along and my energies and attention were directed elsewhere, he became more and more difficult to live with, refusing to engage with myself or the children and being abusive. The final straw was when he raped me. I threw him out. Two weeks later when meeting to discuss the children (or so i thought) (s)he turned up dressed in fishnet tights, high heels and a mini skirt and said that this was what she wanted to do now. Transition took a little while to take hold, and it was a few months later when she was having contact with the kids at her house that she came into them dressed as a woman and told them that they should call her mummy now. The children were not happy with this name at all. There were a series of physical child safety issues at around the same time and all contact was stopped and court processes started. Instead of realising the damage she was doing, she instead sent the kids a book called 'my new mommy' which was degrading and shocking in it's interpretation of women, (things like 'now we can sit and do makeup together) as well as it's message that she was now their mother.
After 5 years and a number of court hearings, there was a final order for indirect contact only and that included instruction for her not to refer to herself as a maternal figure and for us to work towards contact if appropriate.
After this, the kids went through some unrelated trauma, and so a couple of years ago I allowed her to visit the children to see for herself that they were ok. From there, we have gone on to weekend visits once every few months from her and her mother, however her behaviour has not changed, or has in face worsened, and I am now in the position of having to re-instigate that court order for indirect contact only due to the amount of harm her behaviour is causing the children.
She wouldn't even acknowledge or discuss a change in contact arrangements for this visit. I had been allowing them to come into my home for the children's sakes, but this has been shown on a number of occasions to be a way of her being abusive, rude and controlling. When organising the dates for this visit, I stated that contact would be at a neutral location only. When I messaged her with 5 days to go to double check arrangements, She said 'i was ignoring it because it is insane' and went on to threaten me with court, taking the children away etc all because I would no longer allow her into my home. I completely grey-rocked that but it was difficult.
She refuses to acknowledge the children's needs yet is completely obsessed with her own (she once told a judge that because she is trans that the equalities act comes into play and trumps the children's act, so she should have custody of them!).
My daughter is being repeatedly hurt by her wishes and boundaries being ignored, and yet my ex continues to do so, and this weekend when dd refused to hug her or go on contact with her, she dismissed it as 'yeah, nobody wants to hug their mum'. She also said, when reminded that dd has asked to not be called by any pet names (she is a teenager and considers them to be both too intimate, and also more fitting of a preschooler) that dd is her daughter (as if this supercedes dd's wishes) and that dd didn't want to spend time with her and that really upsets her. Both my younger children were listening to this too.
What I don't know is whether this is pure narcissist, part of the trans mindset, or something else entirely, let alone how best to deal with it effectively for the battle about to start. I am trying to grey rock but I also have to stand up for my kids as this can't continue. I'm dreading the fallout when I inform her that she is back on indirect contact only for the forseeable future. I'm off to a solicitor this afternoon for advice, but I'd like to feel more personally strong as well as just legally strong before I launch into what might be another lengthy court battle.
Again, sorry this is so long and I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read through it or respond.
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