Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Thanks @TinselAngel. It is easier than it used to be, and I know that I'm emotionally much stronger and far more capable of 'grey rock' than I ever used to be. I'm also mush less likely to put up with all her shit.. but it still feels scary and I guess it always will do to some extent.

I'll get there!! It's nice knowing that I'm not on my own!

eggotchi lots of hugs and flowers . Also no doughnuts alas but there is cake

Eggotchi - I've been where you are and the courts were extremely supportive as were Cafcass and children's services. At one point ex launched into a tale of the transphobic abuse he has suffered and the judge stopped him and said - "this isn't about you, this is about DD and you will not use this court's time to further your agenda. It's clear to me you have absolutely no regard for her feelings or needs, only your own." Ex then accused the judge, my solicitor, the court usher and all the other court staff of being transphobic and he was at risk of violence against him and demanded police protection. You can imagine the response. When I went to the toilet they actually advised that I was never alone and sent my solicitor with me, because they were concerned ex would come in and then make up something I had done to him. The judges and Cafcass are seeing this kind of shit more and more I think.

Its good to hear stories of the courts being sensible. Out of curiosity, would your ex have acted like that before he transitioned, blackstar?

He was an emotionally abusive and adulterous husband and is no doubt a narcissist but he had no way of claiming victim status or find others to cheer him on until he transitioned.

That sounds incredibly familiar @imablackstarnotapopstar. It is very reassuring that the courts see through it though. I think they must see it a lot unfortunately. :( my ex definitely used the entire thing as a soapbox for transgender rights, and still doesn't understand the needs of the children. I hope that your children (and yourself!) Are now recovering and far betterfor being well away from him!

I am awaiting a letter saying that we're going back to court.

My ex has, unusually, not exploded at me in any sort of ranting tyrade in response to my message. In fact I still haven't had a direct response at all even after responding to their mother's message. If anything this makes me more nervous, as it feels like it's all bubbling away somewhere. Nothing has been acknowledged, let alone agreed to.

Indirect contact with my boys went ok last night (facetime, which i observe) though the boys were obviously still feeling uncomfortable after last weekend.

I'm on edge. If my message isn't acknowledged, then i know from previous experience that it's being ignored/disregarded on purpose (because i'm insane/deluded) and that they will expect to still have contact again in a few months time as usual... or that they're planning to return to court (again, because i'm being insane) so that they can get custody of the children.

The non-response feels abusive in itself, but I don't know that there is anything I can do about it.

It feels abusive because it is abusive.

In the words of Daniel Goleman: “Stonewalling sends a powerful, unnerving message, something like a combination of icy distance …and distaste… as a habitual response, stonewalling is devastating to the health of a relationship; it cuts off all possibility of working out disagreements.”

Thanks Weezol, that's really interesting. I experienced this in another relationship and could never put into words why it made me feel how it did.

Thanks @Weezol. Sounds daft but I'm glad it isn't just me! I hadn't come across stonewalling before but it completely fits with what they do.

In a way, it feels a little similar to gaslighting as well, in that i know that i've sent the message, i know it's real, but i also kniw that they will deny it, say i'm insane and imagining things etc.

Argh.

It is sooo incredibly frustrating and endless.

I am so glad that i found this board.

n a way, it feels a little similar to gaslighting as well, in that i know that i've sent the message, i know it's real, but i also kniw that they will deny it, say i'm insane and imagining things etc.

Which of course, is the reason for keeping all communication in writing!

twitter.com/cyberwanderlust/status/1154303467411914753?s=21

There's a link on twitter to a clip of the video of Debbie Hayton's wife.

I guess those of us who have to have huge boundaries and go grey rock stonewall too. My ex has a little habit when he picks DD up. He creeps up the drive, taps so quietly on the door (fragile lady tap) no one hears unless they are right next to it. He immediately goes back to the car. I notice the car outside because it's that time (and the feeling of icy dread) and simultaneously a text arrives "No answer again. Waiting in the car!" I get DD's shoes on and send her to the car but ignore his text.

fragile lady tap

Well her delicate little lady hands can manage only little lady taps on doors. Similarly her delicate little size 11 lady feet can only tiptoe most carefully up and my drive

That video TinselAngel and Hayton is so public, it must be awful

Yes. I can't imagine anything worse than your trans partner appropriating the very places which should support you, and so excluding you from them. And not only that, but being celebrated by them for being stunning and brave.

I'm so happy to see this! I am Shannon Thrace of the TED talk, the podcast and a now mostly-deactivated blog.

Women often ask me where to find support and suggest I start a support group, but I don't have the time. (I've just finished up a book on my experience and am working on getting that out there).

I love the three points at the beginning of this thread, especially "It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate."

This will wreck your relationship, your sex life, your finances, and likely, your reputation, if your ex takes the path of so many and decides to sabotage and lie about you.

All my love to anyone who's going through this. It's a special kind of devastating.

Wow welcome Shannon! Your talk was awesome and made such an impact on me after my ex blew our lives apart. I thought you were ACTUALLY stunning and brave (😂) to identify yourself. I think we're all so proud of this thread and its heroic starter TinselAngel as it has connected and empowered us so much.

Hi @shannonthrace thanks for stopping by. I look forward to reading your book. Do you know of any other sources of support for trans widows? I've still not been able to find anything that isn't connected to transgender support groups.

Hi @shannonthrace thanks for stopping by. I look forward to reading your book. Do you know of any other sources of support for trans widows? I've still not been able to find anything that isn't connected to transgender support groups.

I've just found out I'm about to be a granny (first time) and I'm actually feeling a little selfish and disgusted with myself. I don't want my ex involved in this child's life and I know he has the right to be there as much as I do but I've got this knot in the pit of my stomach. I've always dreaded the thought of births, deaths and marriages. The thought of him being a granny too makes me physically ill.

My son rang him to break the good news and he/she said, I'm busy, I'm heading out with my friends but as my son said he gave the usual, expected pleasantries. He asked my son when he was free and said he'd call him back but then didn't. Then when he knew my son was at work, he left a voicemail.

Is anyone else in this position? How do you cope?

Hi Cadanita1, I've been wondering how you were.

Congratulation on the brilliant news about your grandchild, I'm so pleased to you

The creeping dread you feel is completely understandable. Just when you've been able to put some distance between you and your ex, your family ties are now threatening to pull you back towards him.

For goodness sake though, HE WILL NOT BE THIS CHILD'S GRANNY!! (Apologies for shouting). I can't imagine your son will disagree with this after all his Dad's fuckery?

Have a think about how you will maintain your boundaries in relation to this change. It may make you feel more in control

@shannonthrace, so good to see you here. Your blog kept me going a few years ago when this madness started in my marriage.

Shannon, many many thanks for your blog, which helped me get though a really dark time.