Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Thanks for the welcome.
Yes, I Googled trans widows I think. I've not heard that term before, very apt.
Lurker, it is so scary. I know my ex used info from forums about what to say and what not to say to the GP, GIC, etc to get what s/he wanted, eg hormones, surgery.

There is a lot of online coaching from the trans community about what to say to medical professionals and "gatekeepers". My ex went to meetings about it and went on a Trans Activists training course.

Thanks for starting a new thread.
I think I may be the only person who knows that my ex is an AGP. He can be unreasonable so we are no contact. Like many of the other AGP partners on the last thread, he performs a hyper masculine public facade, does lots of bodybuilding and martial arts, and works in IT.

You have to wonder which came first with all these men. The "trans" or the IT.

I sometimes try to tell myself that women get divorced all the time but there is something particular to this scenario.

From the outside looking in, it feels as though you are getting divorced, but also suffering a bereavement at the same time. Like death And divorce. A double whammy.

People who are divorced sometimes wish they were bereaved, and of course, vice versa. But this looks like both. The person you knew has utterly gone, yet they're still there and you are getting divorced.

I'm so glad others have found this thread. There aren't many women who post, who are not in your positions. But, believe me, we are right there with you.

Can only talk briefly because he is here. Just feel like I'm going crazy right now. I have so much policed language and thoughts. I "get away with" some things but it's like walking a tightrope.

Right now he is mad at me because I said very adamantly I think trying to force EVERYONE to introduce themselves by their preferred pronouns is ridiculous and I will never do it. To those who are unaware, this is a new trend in leftist US universities. Just like forcing women to refer to themselves as "ciswomen" instead of women so that transwomen feel more comfortable, bullying everyone into introducing themselves with their preferred pronouns is supposed to make "transwomen and gender nonconforming people more comfortable so that the burden of informing people about their pronouns doesn't only fall on them" or some such ridiculousness.
So I said as much in context of some other things I was complaining about and he got really quiet and then said "oh but can I explain to you why it is a great idea to do that?" and I said no, I know why I"m expected to do it, and I won't do it" and he just got super quiet which I know means he is really mad. He has been mad at me for years because I absolutely refuse to call myself "cis".
All of this is supposed to "make me a good ally" by decentering transwomen as being "othered" and "different" but why can't they just face that they are the different ones and we are the norm. Is that so hard.
Anyway I'm sitting here on my lovely perimenopause period from hell which no transwoman will ever get and so am even less sympathetic than usual.

Temporarily delurking to wish all of you a happier 2019. As Datun said, there are many of us who follow this thread but don’t post because it’s not our place to but please know we’re all here, quietly cheering you on.

Datun, yes you're right, it is like both divorce and death and you have the person concerned dying slowly (or not so slowly usually) in front of you but telling you that nothing will change 'it's only a bra/a bit of nail varnish/hormones off the internet to stop me losing my hair'. When in fact their personality and interests are changing utterly. There is little or no support as you're often in secrecy at this point.
Oldermum, I feel for you, it sounds crazy. It all feels rather delusional at times, doesn't it? Don't be controlled (easy for me to say, I know).

Then if you're really lucky, like me, after the bereavement, you get their pale, ethereal, cross dressing ghost coming to collect your child EOW!

TinselAngel I know! :-) My kids are older but we all see her regularly. You do get used to to it to an extent but I feel sad (and angry) about it now and again but have never regretted splitting up.

Can you use female pronouns for him? I can't. It would make my life not make sense, and also I don't believe it to be true.

I'll endeavour to respect the pronouns of anybody who hasn't Fathered my child.

Oldermum156 just a question, why do you engage in talking about this stuff with your husband?

If he tells you things can you ignore it?

In adoption circles we talk about 'smile and wave' (meaning maybe to look innocent but not be, not quite as bad as giving lip service to things you do not necessarily agree with but not going the whole way and fighting it!)

From the penguins...

!

Thank you for all your support.
Separation is the answer but he has been resisting to leave the family home and I haven't been ready to sell the house.
Catch 22 - Not together but, suffering from his constant anxiety and conflict within himself.
I think he is scared to make that leap. Can you help them to find a way to move on without literally shoving them out the door?. And leave you to get on with the rest of your life xxx

I put the house on the market, then moved out.

Tinsel Angel, I use female pronouns to her but when I'm with others I usually lapse as I can't concentrate hard enough to do it.
StartAgain, we sold up eventually and went our separate ways

Hey Leggedit thanks so much for transcribing the Womans Hour piece. I'm so glad they broadcast it... if you dare look at their Twitter it is full of supportive comment and people compassionate to women in this position (oh and some awful vile nasty stupid trans activist crap and much whingeing about pronouns). A big complaint was the BBC using 'husband' not wife... I had to stop reading as it was so familiarly self-indulgent. TinselAngel well done for moving us onto a second thread. Lots of people out there feel as we do even if not personally affected.

Goodness, I've just read some of those tweets to WH; no empathy with the woman being interviewed at all. Once again, it's all about the male. Unbelievable.

Greyhound - After 15 years of marriage I guess like sometimes I just get angry and feel like occasionally my need to have my sexual identity acknowledged and respected ought to be an option once in a while, not only his and always his. It is foolish of me I know.

Pencils - Thanks for doing that transcript!

It absolutely ought to be. But you'll not get that from him.

Clip from Woman's Hour now available.
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p06xvbsc

Socialworker, I can't take the credit for the transcript, it was Pencils.
I will check out the response to the WH piece

I just wanted to say this to the transwidow who is afraid of losing all of her friends... my experience was the complete reverse. A lot of mutual friends told me after I announced the divorce that they were there for me and glad I had done this as quickly as I had. One friend said he had wanted to tell me to get out of the marriage ASAP but didn't feel he could say that to me.

As for my ex... a few of my friends started out as very supportive of my "brave transitioning ex-husband" and after seeing all the narcissism, all the selfies and "don't I look wonderful now as a woman" crap, they are no longer friends with my ex. My ex has alienated almost all of our former mutual friends.

Also to the poster who is bi... I had to deal with that too. My older daughter asked me whether I could stay in the marriage, because I had dated women before marrying my ex. I had to explain to her that the situation had nothing to do with sexual compatibility. Lack of trust, endless broken promises, and years of neglect... nothing was ever going to get us past that.

So my soon to be ex had stated right before Christmas that he wanted to go back to marriage therapy. He then said it had to be someone who affirmed him in his “trans woman” status but also my beliefs. I know no such therapist exists! So I’ve been in a weird limbo for a bit, but actually just told him when he came by to get the kids that I was done, I want out!

He moved out 6 months ago but still had hope I’d “accept” him I think as nothing has been done with repairs to get the house on the market. I could barely look at him today since he was most obviously wearing women’s jeans. I literally broke down in my room. He really thinks it’s not a choice, this is who he is and it’s sad that I don’t love him enough to stay with him.

I’m mourning my past, present and future. I’m sad for myself but also for my kids! He really thinks he’ll walk his daughters down the aisle some day and have a father/daughter dance with them. That he’ll be able to teach his sons to shave their face while he may not need to while on hormones.

How the heck does he feel he has no choice? That he’ll die unless he does this? To live a life with no control over myself and my choices seems stupid! I know I have choices and thoughts that can take me over if I let them. I have 6 months until I can file for divorce and I’m not happy at all. I’m dreading life either direction right now.

Well done for making the final break KitkatX4, your life will be easier and more peaceful from now on.

With regards to the "no choice" thing, my ex was exactly the same. I remember being incredulous that he was not more sad that he was turning our lives upside down. He was pretty much shrugging his shoulders.

Subsequently I've concluded it's bollocks. It what they convince themselves of so they don't have to feel any guilt, and they all egg each other on that this is the case.