Wedding!! Sister being walked down aisle by brother

[hardie]

My DS is getting married on Saturday. Big church wedding, i am only bridesmaid, our DD is dead and DM alive and well. So It turns out DS wants one of our brothers to walk her up the aisle. This absolutely infuriates me, especially as I will be leading this procession and it goes against everything rational, feeds into male superiority and validates it. DS hates attention and feels like anything else will be different and have people talking (we are from a rural village and brother would be the usual way to manage aisle in weddings where dad dead..but it's still bloody 2018). She wants no one making a fuss or raising eyebrow. She is well aware of my views on this. So do I just suck it up (her choice etc..) or chat to her properly on this? DM would be happy to accompany her up aisle. I also really really don't want DS to feel even more self conscious here. Can someone help me articulate a few arguments in support of DM route - other than what I have noted above. Many thanks (first time posting but read these boards a lot)

Yep, you're still here, you're still talking. And the regular posters are talking too. And it's almost like we have a bit of a relationship through posting and reading these threads for some time. Sorry about that, it's not meant to exclude.
And yes, given your recent posting history, I will say that I do think you are influenced by a certain ideology. Fair play, we've all got influences.
We are not trying to shut you up, though. For as long as I can remember the posters here have practically begged people to come and defend the ideology that has gained so much traction recently.
So type away, speak, do. We definitely welcome it. But I make no promise that if your logic fails epically, and you promote things which infringe on the rights of women and girls, the people who post here will 'play nice' and allow that to go unchallenged.

I suppose there might be a problem if the DB was a controlling type who didn't like women making their own choices, some families have more than one of them?

Anyway... I wish the OPs Dsis and all their family (including the OP!) and friends have a lovely day.

I’m just playing ‘patronising into silence’ ping pong with a player who served first

it's almost like we have a bit of a relationship through posting

How disingenuous. Is it possible for you to have a relationship that doesn't involve trying to belittle an enemy? I didn't come to mumsnet with this impression at all but you really remind me of those wonderful ladies in the blitz with your tin hats and a shared hatred of the Other Side. I think it's a bit irresponsible, given the very vulnerable people (including some women) caught in the middle of the political debate.

betty I genuine had no idea what your post meant. How the heck could my point have been valid if it had been her own wedding? Did you realise it didn't make sense and try to gloss it over or what?

I think when it's a family member who wants something you don't believe in, and it's not immoral or something, you just have to go along with it. Maybe you can say "My feminist instincts are rebelling against this, but it's your show, and I'll do my part."

Ha. Will the vows include the word "obey"? You might have to run out of the church.

She's keeping to traditions and that's absolutely fair enough!! Her wedding, her choice!

Well that's me told off (again), first time with everyone else for not being feminist enough, this time for using female socialisation and smilies to try and de-escalate an aggressive poster

kitchen you are derailing this thread, and making some unprovoked personal attacks, I understood that tends to be frowned upon by MNHQ

OP if you are for real I hope you go back to your sister and say 'your wedding, your rules' and enjoy the day. Wedding prep seems to bring out the 'zilla' in many people and the oddest things appear to take on an importance they actually don't in reality.

Is it possible for you to have a relationship that doesn't involve trying to belittle an enemy?

An enemy? the drama of it all

Don't add stress to your sister before her wedding.
As everyone else has stated its her wedding that's what she wants so suck it up and show her some respect.
The most annoying thing people can do when you're organising a wedding is project their opinions on to you and feel the right to do so because it's a wedding. Her day her way end of regardless of you objecting to it

kitchen, not biting on the 'other side' stuff. This isn't a thread about that issue. You definition of hate is probably as loosey goosey as all the other definitions floating about. Disagreement isn't hate. And the delightful assumption that I am unconnected to anyone who is vulnerable in the political debate you reference is pure ignorance on your part.

But, to underline, this thread isn't anything to do with that, so please, feel free to post about the topic, or start another thread about whatever it is you wish to scold me over and I will likely engage.

Wow how up your own arse are you? It is nothing to do with you who she chooses and as for the I'm leading 😂😂😂 you are not leading anything you are prelude to the main event... the bride!!!

I didn’t consider my dad to be giving me away, just him having an important role in my wedding.
There was so much emphasis on my mum (by my Mum!) being the mother of the bride and her outfit, hair, make up, etc, that he probably felt a bit sidelined in the lead up to it.
Sitting in the car on my own with him and walking down the aisle together made me realise we don’t get many opportunities to be together just us.
If I didn’t have my dad I knew I’d have asked my uncle, because we are extremely close not because he is male.

Aw, Rainbow that’s lovely.

My Dad died of cancer 10 years ago, he never met my now DH. He always wanted to give me away at my wedding and be a Grandad and cancer robbed him of both of those things. I asked DB to give me away as that was what I wanted and what my Dad would have wanted too, DB did a great job at ripping me in his speech and paying tribute to Dad. It really is absolutely none of your business what your DS chooses to do at her wedding and if anyone had tried to tell me I was making a patriarchal decision about my wedding I would have been very annoyed putting it mildly!

No response from OP. I'm wondering if in fact this was a post from a journo hoping to elicit a bunch of mad feminist responses insisting that the brother be told to sling his hook, and they've now given up in disappointment.

Just butt out and let your sister have her wedding the way she wants it. "She's well aware of my views" - yeah, I bet she is. You sound like a bossy control freak. I wouldn't want you as my bridesmaid. You may have posted in Feminism Chat, but hell, there's a time and a place to make a feminist point - but your sister's wedding is neither.

I agree that a wedding isn't the time for a confrontation over personal views, but I wish there were more sympathy for the OP (noting that the person who started this thread hasn''t posted again). I mean, this is a feminist issue, the idea that a wedding features a woman being handed from one man to another. It's a custom that means something, and someone with a feminist outlook isn't likely to approve. But I think the most reasonable way to handle it is "If this is what you really want from the family, I'll do my part."

Oh gosh! Sorry had a busy day and just read a flavor of the responses and it's given me essentially the answer that I just go with it. Couple of things to clear up - I don't want to cause fuss or hurt for DS at all over the next few days...hence the query here for sense check as wanted other real opinions. DS is going with full tradition here (because she doesn't want extra attention if she does anything different) and the DB thing is the norm where we live for simple reason that it is a man doing the job. She even apparently said that any of the 2 brothers will do - they haven't even decided. So not our DM ...who would be the more natural choice. The mention of her on her own up aisle or with her groom together would be out of question - as that is never ever done around here. The whole me "leading her up aisle" thing is just that - it rankles me as looks at if I approving this charade. In the most high profile event I have ever been at - big wedding like 300 guests. I know in the greater scheme of feminism it's immaterial but all these small things build up. So ultimately I disagree, am disappointed. I actually have never directly discussed this with her in context of her wedding (as don't want to cause extra wedding stress)but all family and her are aware of my views on sexism in weddings as whole - so she knows. I suppose I wanted to see if I could articulate it better - but weddings are crazy, people are stressed and a million other things going on. Not my day or battle and will leave it. Thanks for all the responses, funny reading how things can be misconstrued - you'd want a thick skin here but I really enjoy reading the forum and have learnt so much about other aspects of feminism. Thankfully my issue small.

hardie, respect for coming back after a whole eight pages of being told you're wrong! Fwiw, I don't think many disagreed with your position and views, but agreed that it just wasn't the time and place to be pressing them. I hope that despite the difficult stuff, that you never really avoid with family life, you all have a really lovely day, and your sister has a long and happy relationship.

I think you can relax on one point - nobody ever looks at the bridesmaid/maid of honour and thinks that because you walk up the aisle you had a say in one single detail of the wedding

it rankles me as looks at if I approving this charade. In the most high profile event I have ever been at - big wedding like 300 guests.

You seem to be massively exaggerating your role in the wedding. Trust me, no-one views the bridesmaid as leading the procession or thinks that she has anything other than a very minor role, and no-one cares a jot about her political views.

Not your wedding, not your choice.

Is your approval something that features in someone else’s wedding arrangements? I don’t think it is, is it?

Alright the op has had enough of a dressing down already don’t you think?