Wedding!! Sister being walked down aisle by brother

[hardie]

My DS is getting married on Saturday. Big church wedding, i am only bridesmaid, our DD is dead and DM alive and well. So It turns out DS wants one of our brothers to walk her up the aisle. This absolutely infuriates me, especially as I will be leading this procession and it goes against everything rational, feeds into male superiority and validates it. DS hates attention and feels like anything else will be different and have people talking (we are from a rural village and brother would be the usual way to manage aisle in weddings where dad dead..but it's still bloody 2018). She wants no one making a fuss or raising eyebrow. She is well aware of my views on this. So do I just suck it up (her choice etc..) or chat to her properly on this? DM would be happy to accompany her up aisle. I also really really don't want DS to feel even more self conscious here. Can someone help me articulate a few arguments in support of DM route - other than what I have noted above. Many thanks (first time posting but read these boards a lot)

I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle after my dad died. It’s your sister’s choice who walks with her. You’ve given reasons as to why you object and that is your right to feel that way but it’s her wedding day and I don’t think she’s made a bad choice.

Great example of how feminists aren't interested in giving women more choices, only in ensuring they're aligned with the feminist narrative.

Which is actually (as I'm sure this poor bride would agree) oppressive and obnoxious.

kitchen how do you arrive at that conclusion based on a thread on which, barring the possibly trolly OP (who's only posted once) and one other poster, almost everyone has said "not your wedding, the bride gets to choose"?

Well, obviously not all feminists. But if you look at the OP's use of language, she thought she was speaking to a group of people who were going to support her in this action. She has got the idea that this is acceptable behaviour and alludes to using information gathered on the feminist board to go forward with (and has clearly already been harassing her poor sister thinking this is what feminists do). And from reading some feminist threads recently, I can see why.

And again - so OP has a weird idea of what feminism is. And this is the somehow the fault of feminists because.. ?

FFS my brother walked me down the aisle as my father had died, I chose him not because he was male but because I wanted him to, why do you have to break everything down to gender, as you say it 2018, she can choose whoever she likes regardless of how it may impact your "right on " sensibilities. YOU are the one with the problem

I’m not into patriarchal customs either. I had no aisle, no big entrance, no giving away. No brides ‘maids’, registrar was asked not to use the terms ‘bride’ or ‘groom’ but instead refer to us by our names.
DH and I arrived before our guests and just said hi as they came into the room. At the end we were pronounced ‘married’ not ‘husband and wife’.

But I wouldn’t of dreamt of telling my sister what to do. Heck, I even wore floor-length lilac for her

So yes, agree with pretty much everyone here, it’s not your day, get over yourself.

All the lols. A thread wherein one self-identified feminist says something a bit authoritarian, which is answered by 6 pages of other feminists saying "wind your neck in, mate, you're wrong", and kitchen wants to make out that this shows what an unreasonable authoritarian group feminists are as a whole.

fermat
Honestly, I'm not surprised posters like the OP have absorbed this message from reading 'a lot of the threads on here' as she has done. Off the top of my head, I would suggest that a naive poster may watch the aggressive way many radical feminists react to women (and others) who don't share their views on the feminist board and think this is the reasonable way to treat women who won't get on board. There is very, virtually no room for saying 'Ok, do it your way and I will do it my way - these are both valid ways to be a woman'. There is a lack of boundaries in thinking that women shouldn't make choices that are not the choices dictated by radical feminists. Or if they 'haven't seen the light', that they should be talked at until they have.

The endless evangelising on the feminists board seems to have been interpreted by the OP as grounds to 'have a good chat' with her sister about something that is none of her business, for which she wants help articulating arguments - a request she probably thought was reasonable because there have been similar requests here before. Not about sisters and weddings but along the lines of 'My friend refuses to think the way I do, help me show them why they're wrong'.

No, of course it is not how most people describing themselves as feminists would act in the real world. Because it's not socially acceptable and most people 'get' that there are some situations where the other person gets to choose, even if you think they're wrong. But radical feminists have been eroding even those boundaries lately in their agitation over the trans issue and I think this is what the clearly naive OP is picking up on.

There is very, virtually no room for saying 'Ok, do it your way and I will do it my way - these are both valid ways to be a woman'. There is a lack of boundaries in thinking that women shouldn't make choices that are not the choices dictated by radical feminists. Or if they 'haven't seen the light', that they should be talked at until they have.

Brilliant point, well made.

Bloody hell who's wedding is it leave the woman alone to make her choice.

Kitchen, your point would be valid if it were her own wedding. It’s not.

Betty I have pondered your comment for a good half minute and cannot make head or tail of it. The only part I understand is that my point isn't valid for some reason. Which is very familiar.

kitchenrollinrollinrollin I do believe you're telling us off for not responding the way you'd like to think feminists do

FFS. Is it possible for one sweet moment that TRAs could not make every thread about trans*? Literally nothing in this thread is anything to do with trans anything.

I had my son in law walk me down the aisle and give me away! Bugger all to do with male dominance, it was a way to include him in our wedding and be a bit more traditional than me arriving on a unicycle followed by a flock of geese. What I’m saying is, it’s what I wanted, it wasn’t done to garner attention as so many of today’s ceremonies are.

Leave her be, find real problems to put your excess energy into.

I'm not an activist for anyone, actually. Except women getting to choose their own personal truth. I have very little interest in the rights of trans people, except to wish them the right to be whoever it is they need to be. But it's interesting that your response is to (a) decide I'm an activist for a different side, rather than a woman with a different view and (b) decide I'm miffed with everyone on the thread for not responding how I'd like. Actually, if anyone is miffed, it's the OP because her sister didn't respond the way she'd hoped.

But...it's clear that you've scented dangerous ideology. It didn't take you long to pull out the and for a few feminists to pop up and start 'talking' to each other across the thread. That's what you do to shut other women up. I'm not intimidated and it doesn't work on me at all.

Bless your heart, Kitchen.

My BiL walked me down the aisle (and made a speech) at my wedding as my dad had died 6 months previously. I don't have a brother but I love my BiL as if he was.

I can tell you now that if anyone has tried to "reason with me" about ray choice I would've been very upset. If I'd thought my sister was infuriated and angry with me about it I would've also been very upset.

Did you consider having your sister accompany you down the aisle, or is that only a job for men?

Why are you allowing your DS to get married in the first place? Marriage is a patriarchal institution, surely?

betty There you go. If you can't make a decent point, you will try to silence by patronising. Yep, it's all very obvious.

There you go. If you can't make a decent point, you will try to silence by patronising. Yep, it's all very obvious.

Isn't it just?

Woman posts on Feminism Chat about what she sees is a feminist issue

All the feminists on the thread tell her she is being unreasonable and it is her sisters choice.

Kitchen tells us the OP's attitude is all the fault of the feminists even though all of them told the OP she was unreasonable.

Kitchen now tells us that the feminists on this thread are trying to intimidate her (but she is bravely not going to be intimidated!) because ... "they are "talking" to each other" and using smiley faces.

My Dad is dead and my Brother walked me down the aisle. We were both very aware of the huge hole of him missing from my day (he’d also missed my brothers wedding day). Bro also drove me to the church. It was very special for both of us.
If its what your sister wants and your brother is happy to do it, what’s the harm?