Wedding!! Sister being walked down aisle by brother

[hardie]

My DS is getting married on Saturday. Big church wedding, i am only bridesmaid, our DD is dead and DM alive and well. So It turns out DS wants one of our brothers to walk her up the aisle. This absolutely infuriates me, especially as I will be leading this procession and it goes against everything rational, feeds into male superiority and validates it. DS hates attention and feels like anything else will be different and have people talking (we are from a rural village and brother would be the usual way to manage aisle in weddings where dad dead..but it's still bloody 2018). She wants no one making a fuss or raising eyebrow. She is well aware of my views on this. So do I just suck it up (her choice etc..) or chat to her properly on this? DM would be happy to accompany her up aisle. I also really really don't want DS to feel even more self conscious here. Can someone help me articulate a few arguments in support of DM route - other than what I have noted above. Many thanks (first time posting but read these boards a lot)

Personally I do think it’s the brides choice I’m just shocked at why all you other ‘feminists’ aren’t showing any comprehension of why she has an issue with it!

I think OP if you have (hopefully respectfully) explained why her brother walking her down the aisle is so awful from a feminist perspective and explained how different the meaning behind a mother walking you down is (as well as being a nod to all the years of support, love and graft a mother puts into her children) then there’s no hope and you just have to accept that she doesn’t get it.

Keep your mouth shut and understand that she can do as she likes without your opinion being remotely relevant.

FFS leave her alone!

My dad isn't involved in my life so my big brother accompanied me down the aisle - no giving away part, he just accompanied me. I was nervous and wanted someone to walk with me and he felt like the correct choice.

I don't think it's fair to try and push your sister in to making a feminist statement which will make her feel uncomfortable on her wedding day.

And yes, I also agree that a mother walking you down the aisle isn’t fantastic as no woman should be ‘handed over’ by anyone but it’s the lesser of many evils if someone REALLY wants to do the aisle walk on the arm of someone.

Looking back I’ve such regrets about the things I did and revelled in because of tradition and I thought it was romantic. I’d do a few things very differently now that I’ve really thought about these things and especially since having my daughters.

Pick your battles.

Hint: this isn't one of them.

I’m just shocked at why all you other ‘feminists’ aren’t showing any comprehension of why she has an issue with it! That's because you are making assumptions and aren't digesting the replies to your first utterance!

Personally I hope the OP has realised how strident and unpleasant she sounds and has done nothing other than apologise to her sister. Feminist explanations, as the one you so kindly outline, are just patronising and are most likely to cause a large rift within a family.

Crap like this is why I stepped back from feminism for so long - some of you seem to have lost sight of the core of it - no matter what the political issue of the day, the whole point of feminism is to ensure that all women have equal opportunity and choice in all aspects of life.

And that really doesn't mean swapping bowing down to the patriarchy for doing what the stroppiest woman around says!

Posters perfectly understand why anyone would have an issue with it for their own wedding but being a feminist doesn't mean walking all over people's feeling and pushing your own choices and agenda. It's disrespectful to make such a fuss around your sister's wedding, when the whole day should be about her.

Hideandgo I don't think the feminists don't understand the philosophical position of not being 'given away' or wish to dismiss that issue. They just (rightly, imo) consider that this is not the appropriate venue for the point to be made. This isn't the OPs wedding, she's already talked to her sister about her objections, that really is an end to it.
I'm not a feminist, but I'm reasonably secure in saying that it's not going to be tremendously helpful to be a totally self-absorbed arse about a decision that genuinely has nothing to do with you, and further objections would likely just cause an unpleasant rift in the family.

My brother did it for me as a homage to our late dad with whom he had a difficult relationship at times . I was late 30s when I married. Anyone who knows us knows that I don't get given away by any body but I loved my dad and my brother and I felt it was the right thing to do. My sister was chief bridesmaid- we had three mid teens female relatives between us and they were bridesmaids too. It was a small family wedding where all the family had a role. Because we love each other. And no one tells me what to do .

OP explain to us why you think it's ok for your DM to hand your DS over, but not your DB. The principal is the same

So feminist explanations are patronising and cause rifts in families so should be avoided.

I could cry.

Though I wholeheartedly agree that there’s no need for aggression or disrespect when trying to explsin why something is so objectionable from a feminist standpoint, the family is exactly where feminism should start and be cultivated. The family is the most common place a woman is systematically treated like a second class citizen.

Geki, really. You think a brother has done as much for a woman as her mother????

Make the point with your own wedding. Write a blog post about the general principle (without making it personally about your sister). Start a campaign to get the C of E to change the words in the wedding service to delete the "who giveth this woman.." bit (disclaimer - I'm pretty sure this is an optional extra in the modern order of service anyway).

But for heaven's sake, butt out of your DSis's decisions about her wedding.

A Bride being 'given away' is a dodgy throwback I agree OP.
Being given away by a parent, whether male or female, is dodgy.
Wearing a white dress to symbolise that you are a virgin is dodgy.
Spending hundreds/thousands of pounds on a party for your family and friends to celebrate your marriage where there is going to be at least one person bitching about your choice of decorations or clothes or wedding party members etc etc is dodgy.

Either you agree with your DSis have a wedding incorporating some traditional bits (whether for the traditional reasons or not) is of course entirely up to you. Whether you tell her this and put a dampener on her day is also entirely up to you; but why would you do that to someone you love?

This wedding is not about you..

Hide you are spectacularly missing the point.

If this was OP talking about her own wedding and asking for advice on how to stand up to family pressure to be walked down the aisle and given away when it goes against her feminist principles, I'd be 100% behind her.

But it isn't her wedding, it's her sister's wedding.

You don't get to appropriate other people's important occasions to make your political points.

I can see the issues that a feminist would have with this. At my wedding my Dad walked me down the aisle and then the Minister said, “Who gives their blessing to this marriage?” and all 4 parents (mine and DH’s) stood and said, “We do” rather than the traditional “Who gives this woman to be married?”
My family (and my DH obviously) are feminists and the idea of my Dad handing me over to another man didn’t sit well!

That said, it’s your sister’s wedding so she can choose to do whatever she feels comfortable with.

Does it occur to you that maybe she wants to do this because she loves her brother and wants him to have as prominent a part in the ceremony as you will?

^^This. It's not your day, it's hers. Is that a problem for you?

Agree with everyone else...stop spoiling your sister’s wedding with your personal agenda you self-centred article. It infuriates you? Well so what? It’s not your wedding, you don’t get to decide.

I’m a feminist and my brother walked me down the aisle. Feminism is about having the freedom to choose. Pull your head out of your bum, apologise to your sister for stirring up shit over something that’s none of your concern...and enjoy her wedding.

hideandgo I fully understand why it is perceived to be anti feminist to we given away. But i DON’T CARE.

I’m a feminist and i’m not handing back my feminist card because I had my step father walk me down the aisle.

My husband didn’t seek permission from him to marry me because we’re all adults and know that I do not belong to anyone but asking him to give me away was my way of honouring the man that raised me as his own daughter over the man that didn’t. The pure love and pride on his face that we have immortalised in our wedding album gives me no cause to regret my choice. MY CHOICE.

Whether you or OP agree with being given away is irrelevant, it isn’t your wedding day and you’re not the gatekeeper of feminism.

My brother walked me down the aisle as my dad died 9 months before I got married, it was my decision to make like wise if I wanted one of my sisters to do it or if I wanted to walk alone it should be entirely up to the bride it’s got nothing to do with “ this is 2018 it has to be a man that does it”

I do hope your keeping your opinions to yourself and not sharing them with the bride as I’m sure she’s got enough going on without you being opinionated, wind your neck in.

Geki, really. You think a brother has done as much for a woman as her mother????*

Wow, talk about going over ones head

For me, feminism is about not judging other women for the choices they make, but defending tooth and nail their right to have choices.

Your sister's wedding is not the forum to voice your judgements about her choices.

Being a feminist means you empower women to make the choices they want to make, without being shamed by society. In that light, your post is rather ironic.

not so gently.

None. Of. Your. Fucking. Business.

Jesus.