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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

anyone else been ditched by friends for having Gender critical views?

213 replies

JetCityWoman · 28/10/2017 23:07

Long time user new account

just that really? I've been quite vocal of the importance of biology and a lot of my female friends have basically told me to fuck off. were talking 5+ year friendships all gone because I refuse to accept men can be women.

anyone else navigating this weird state of being?

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 30/10/2017 14:21

'Oppression privilege' reminds me, Datun, of a conversation I had with DS about Prejudice Top Trumps at school and who the teacher should have made most allowances for during an argument:
'Well, Callum is autistic and Sam is black, but Charlie is trans and it was him they were insulting about his girlfriend.'

At this point, I unwisely said 'Oh, Charlie [who I know to be female] wins for being mixed-race, trans and gay then', and DS told me sternly that, no, it was a straight relationship because Charlie Is A Boy now.

Charlie, incidentally, is a child of very religious parents who has a history of self-harm.

Datun · 30/10/2017 15:30

annandale

Whilst transphobia might be considered the definition of how you feel, do you think the reason you feel it is irrational?

Because from what you have said about your own gender issues, body discomfort and ambivalent attitude to sex, it sounds like a fairly rational response. Which is not the definition of a phobia.

Many women who have suffered sexual trauma do not, on any level, want to be around a strange man. And I should imagine it’s worse if that man is insisting he is a woman. The gaslighting aspect is horrendous.

Lancelottie

Yes, that doesn’t surprise me at all. How one can magically change one’s sexual orientation by changing gender.

And yes, of the three, Charlie sounds the worst off to me too! But not of course if you add up his oppression points, as he has managed to drop being homosexual. On the other hand, he has become trans. So it probably evens out. Except being trans is a triple word score and beats everything.

It’s basically shooting the moon.

ArcheryAnnie · 30/10/2017 15:52

As everyone wants to claim it because deciding you’re oppressed seems to give you so many advantages these days.

Well, claiming you are oppressed when you aren't is what confers the advantage. Some men see claiming trans, nonbinary or genderfluid status gives them a get-out-of-jail-free card to be as vile as they like, because not only are they the Most Oppressed (without actually having the inconvenience of actual oppression), they can cast women in the role of Evil Oppressor. It's an amazing political teflon coating.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 30/10/2017 20:36

I have not really had any discussions about any of these things with my friends.

It's a little baffling to me actually. I would also agree with your basic position OP.

This may be a really outrageous question but do you remember that woman in the states a while ago who said she was black and had the high flying role at the NAACP under false pretences? Well do all those people getting offended about the trans thing think that she has the right to proclaim this then Hmm

I'm sorry if this offends anyone I just really can't see the difference.

Datun · 30/10/2017 21:11

Rachel Dolezal? There is no difference. None whatsoever. Unless you talk to a transactivist. And then it’s completely different. But they can’t say why.

BlackForestCake · 30/10/2017 21:34

Until this garbage started I would have been all for saying trans ppl shouldn’t be discriminated against. I would still say that, but to be frank, if someone came to my company looking for a job, I wouldn’t employ them if they were a man who insisted he was a woman. Because I employ people to solve problems and the first step in solving problems is dealing with reality. If someone is so detached from reality they refuse to face up to what sex they are, they’re not going to be much use.

(The above is hypothetical because I don’t actually have a company or employ anyone).

CAAKE · 30/10/2017 21:51

I honestly think that these “non binary snowflakes of tumblr” videos should be compulsory viewing.

diddlemethis · 30/10/2017 22:03

Now I watch that, and all my “poor loves being caught up in a horribly heteronormative and damaging/abusive” sympathies melts away faster than a snowflake in a frying pan, and I can’t help wondering if they aren’t just idiots.

CAAKE · 30/10/2017 22:11

“I need YOU to try harder”. Says it all really.

hipsterfun · 30/10/2017 22:22

In my day, activism was about the bigger picture.

Their self-absorption is so collosal they can’t even see it.

hipsterfun · 30/10/2017 22:23

Colossal, obvs.

Datun · 30/10/2017 22:29

If you’ve got a spare few minutes, this is worth it. I’ll post the link, but the item is a couple of items down. I’ll put a photo to show what to click on. It’s the comments that are gold.

m.facebook.com/femme4memes/?locale2=en_GB#!/femme4memes/?locale2=en_GB

There’s brilliantly long comment near the end that absolutely shreds ‘non-binaryness’

anyone else been ditched by friends for having Gender critical views?
ArcheryAnnie · 30/10/2017 22:46

Datun would you mind posting the comment, please? i have looked at the comments section but it defeated me - it;s all nested!

Datun · 30/10/2017 22:55

Am I allowed to do that? I can leave the woman’s name off, but am I allowed to copy it verbatim?

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 30/10/2017 22:57

Yes Rachel Dolezal exactly.
I am just wondering why then really I suppose, does anyone take them too seriously Hmm

Please forgive my ignorance.
I don't understand all the terms and neither have I looked at the links, so I will have a look when I get the chance ... but am getting the feeling I will just find them a bit silly.
Why are people so cross?

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 30/10/2017 23:00

I think I'm going to need a list of the definitions used around this subject too - does such a thread exist already?

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 30/10/2017 23:01

(Really sorry if I seem as though I've just crawled out from a cave after 100's of years) Smile

Datun · 30/10/2017 23:04

Okay. This is the woman’s comment:

“This comment thread is comedy gold. If you dont know why people find much trans ideology is difficult to take seriously then read through. It comes across as more victimy than thou, narcissistic with teenage flouncyness and constant call out and insult with very little reason or analysis.

Its no suprise theres a conflict between trans sexuals and nb people given that there is no logic that ties the two theories together. If gender identity overwrites biological sex then non binary people would be claimiing they were intersex. Why arent they?

There's some evidence in neuroscience that trans people may have some neurobiological cause which may make them feel dysphoric. There's no evidence for non binary people existing outside of a fashionable trend of art students dying their hair blue. Two spirit is an entirely different thing - largely a way of accepting gay men in a society with strict tradional gender roles.

People are mostly oppressed because of their gender expression not their identity. So if a male born person identifies as a woman or non binary but wears typically male clothing they wont expereince much oppression or harrassment. Whereas if a male identifies as a man but chooses to wear typically womens clothes then they will experience oppression and harrassment.

(She asked if any of these non-binary people could address any of her points. She was just told that she was devaluing and debasing them and they just got cross. So she responded with the following)

Debasing and devaluing non binary people and cruelty seem quite extreme words to describe what I've said. I notice you avoid the question why don't non binary people identify as intersex? If material reality of sex is over written by gender identity - or if identifying as a woman makes someone a woman and female then why not?

Secondly there is as I stated no scientific backing for non binaryness unlike with trans sexual people (most of the research has been carried out on those who have medically transitioned hence my using this term to distinguish from the more woolly term trans gender which can encompass anything from gender non conforming to cross dressing). What is non binaryness then if not an observable biological difference? It seems to then be a subjective opinion about ones lack of adherence to the gender stereotypes associated with ones birth sex. A statement that one has attributes and interests which are typically associated with both sexes. For example a male who likes both sport and gossip magazines.

Yet most people aren't a walking stereotype- most of us have a unique mixture of interests. So doesnt that make us all non binary? And if we are all non binary whether we admit it or not hen it can hardly be claimed it should be a special characteristic which needs protection and extra sympathy. So why is it only some people who identify as non binary? And why are they nearly all of one generation and political persuasion? Why do they have the same uniform?

It looks far more likely that it's a fashion trend like punk or goth, a youth movement without the music. In previous eras there were a lot of things to rebel against- civil rights, gay rights, women's rights and the strict conservatism of society. The boundaries around sex and drugs and rock and roll have already been breached. Yet still teenagers still want something to rebel against-. Something that sets them apart from their parents, something their parents won't understand or might be worried about

It seems to be all that is left to rebel against is reality itself. As most people don't want to change sex or take hormones with permanent effects non binary offers them an easy claim to be cool under the trans umbrella, one of the kids queering gender by having short blue hair and wearing androgynous clothing. Its much like the word queer now encompassing straight people with a BDSM kink or anyone whose ever had sex outside the missionary position. Its a way for non LGBT kids to still claim to be different from boring old vanilla straight people.

Nonbinaryness is held up as queering gender yet it actually props up gender roles. Its effectively saying that male and female sex stereotypes are accurate and right. That women should be pressured to wear nail varnish and men to be macho. By setting themselves apart from these sterotypes they are supporting the validity of the gender system. Because if it was ok to just be an effeminate man or a masculine woman they'd do that. By making up this whole new identity it's saying people who are not non binary whether trans or not must stay in their pink and blue boxes. Its only ok for special NB people today mess about in the middle. It therefore seems to me quite regressive and conservative.

And some of the trans people above are rightly pointing out that discrimination comes from gender non conforming to ones birth sex. So if a male born person presents as female they will feel societies ire. If a male born person presents as male but identifies as non binary then they face no discrimination. No one would ever know. Because people don't respond to people's identities that they can't see. It seems that many non binary people feel a bit left out in the oppression Olympics and the insistence on the they pronoun is a way of getting a peice of that pie. Omg someone forgot to use my preferred pronouns zir- the horror. Ditto with the claims that people are being triggered by having to decide between male and female toilets - omg NB erasure. Yet strangely intersex people have managed just fine for years without going into a meltdown every time they filled in a form or went to pee. And they surely do have a claim based on reality rather than their suddenly declared identity. .

So it looks mostly like teenage attention seeking, fashion and a desire for claiming victimhood and oppression that is otherwise not available to largely white heterosexual relatively wealthy young men and women. And no wonder because today victimhood gives one status. The more oppressions one can claim the more ones voice must be listened to in 'the reverse hierarchy. Its therefore to gain social status that in part people identify as NB.. Non binary is an easy way for someone to ramp up their oppression points and thus their kudos and prove their cool kid credentials. How else do you explain the rash of people coming out as NB among friendship groups? I looks more like social contagion than anything else.

I imagine when theresa may and other old uncool authority figures start coming out as NB everyone will be horrified and drop the whole thing. Then Scrabble around to find the next new thing to set themselves apart as oh so different and alternative.

Datun · 30/10/2017 23:09

OMG I would LOVE it if Theresa May came out as non-binary.

The whole thing would disappear in a puff of smoke.

LapdanceShoeshine · 30/10/2017 23:13

Are we still on initial question?

I have been unfriended on FB as a "transphobe" by one right-on type, & have had some fairly hostile responses to "women with penises" comments from other right-on types.

Luckily I also have some sensible rational FB friends but I do wonder where all this is going Hmm

Mantegnaria · 30/10/2017 23:50

I've read this thread.

Nobody I know discusses any of the things this thread is about. Young, old, male, female, well-off or just struggling, educated or not - they just don't come across this stuff, don't know about it, don't care either.

If they tried to, I hope they would be as polite as in any other discussion, but I can't see it coming up as an issue.

hipsterfun · 30/10/2017 23:56

Give it time.

LapdanceShoeshine · 31/10/2017 00:00

I think the worst place is Twitter. I don’t understand what people are getting at half the time on there (except that the hostility towards ‘terfs’ is quite shocking)

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 31/10/2017 07:20

Yes - what Mantegnaria said.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 31/10/2017 07:20

And what's a terf?