How 'afraid' are we of men?

[ChipsForSupper]

Most of us know, either sadly through experience or through knowledge acquired by observing the world around us, that men can be threatening towards women and most of us are also brought up trained to take precautions such as not going out alone at certain times or to certain places. I was just wondering how individual women feel about this and to what degree it affects each one of us.

Personally, on the surface of it, this rarely worries me and I am happy to go on remote country walks by myself, often walk home late at night etc. This is probably because I am older now, I live in a fairly untroubled neck of the woods and I am a "what are the odds?" type person among other reasons.

However, recently, I broke down very late at night in a quiet country layby. I told the rescue people on the phone that, although I was a woman on my own, I was not a priority because I knew the area well and felt quite safe. While waiting for the breakdown truck to arrive, I even had to get out and and venture into the bushes to have a wee and felt perfectly OK about it. Then, at one point, a saw a man walking up the road in the direction of my car. I felt instantly afraid - even though I knew he probably couldn't see me as the lights were out and was more than likely an innocent soul on his way home from a night out somewhere. Nevertheless, my heart was racing and I held my breath until after he'd gone. This reaction took me by surprise and made me realise that I am affected by this general 'fear' of men.

I've often heard friends say that they are afraid of the dark, or afraid of lonely places or afraid of breaking down etc. All of this happened to me and I was fine until a man came along. What we really mean is, we are afraid of men.

Anyway, I wondered how predominant everyone else feels this fear is in their day to day lives?

Men are not nearly as likely to attack small men just because they are there as they are to attack women just because we are there.

I'm not so sure about that. I know that anecdote is not data but I know quite a few men who have been violently attacked by other men for no reason other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Some of them sustained serious injuries eg brain damage or permanent scarring. I don't personally know any females who have been attacked in that way by a random man.

However, almost every woman I know has been touched inappropriately and without consent whilst out and about in public places. Which has left them pissed off and angry, but not physically injured or mentally scarred. So maybe it's just comparing two different things, if that makes sense? The huge difference for me is that if a man is beaten unconscious by a random stranger, no one will say 'but what was he doing there in the first place?'. Whereas as we all know, if a woman is attacked the first question is 'why was she alone in the first place?'.

Women are expected and trained to be afraid. It's never actually specified what we should be afraid of though. So when these posters tell women not to drink, not to leave friends behind etc, it never says 'because men will attack you/them.' Women must be afraid, but it must never be said what they should be afraid of because that might - god forbid! - upset men a little bit.

Being afraid of men as a group would be like being afraid of cars cause you might be run over

Constant low level harassment is so common. As is the abuse following any retort.

If drivers veered towards women or shouted at them as they went past at the same level as casual harassment, you bet your life women would be wary of all cars.

I used to get more riled about stuff like that when I was younger. I was always chucking pints at guys and kicking off. I doesnt really bother me now I'm older

I presume before you crossed the road you look left and right?? Why do you do that if you're not afraid of cars running you over?

"Men commit more violent crime than women, by a mile. Around 85-90% of convicted murderers are men, a majority of the reported domestic abusers and pretty much all of those committing sexual attacks. However – and this is the part that gets overlooked – almost twice as many men than women are the victims of violence."

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/10752232/Our-attitude-to-violence-against-men-is-out-of-date.html

Down a back alley you're probably fine, in your own home less so.

Its not something you choose. Its how you react in specific situations.
Obviously, the average women is not afraid of the average man in broad daylight in the supermarket checkout queue.
Some situations are more risky. So are some men. Humans are designed to read patterns ins situations and social behaviour,s and that means we can read the ones that dont fit the expected pattern.
those are the ones that raise hackles.

However – and this is the part that gets overlooked – almost twice as many men than women are the victims of violence."

It's not overlooked. Feminists are well aware that male violence is not confined to women.

Kind of. As others have said, I don't think about it all the time, but it does affect my behaviour. For example, DH and I both run. He chooses a track based on elevation, road surface etc and goes. I choose the track based on the people I might meet there - I would not run alone or even with female running buddies on a certain track that goes past a pub; I would not go after dark alone to a track that goes through an alleyway or underpass etc.

I tried to explain this to him and he said oh yes, the women in my running club also comment how lucky I am to be able to run on this or that track, alone, late in the evening - they would not do it. Does not even occur to him to consider the same things.

The answers on this subject are going to br very dependent on the area you live. It's safe here.

I am afraid of men. Not out in a public place during the day at all, so long as it's well-populated, but in the evenings, in places where I am the only woman in a space with a man, around rowdy, intimidating men who take up the space, yes. I am.
Three examples:
I recently noticed I subconsciously avoid taking the lift with a lone man if I can, for instance - pretending to have forgotten something, or needing to dig in my bag if it looks like I have to get in with only a bloke.
I went out to a nice pub for the first time in years for my birthday last year, and I'd been in the pub (in my jeans and top,) for five minutes before some drunk guy got in my path to my table (where my female friend was,) and decided he needed to assess whether I was attractive enough to pass or not, while his mates laughed away. I was utterly shocked, and just kind of froze I'm ashamed to admit. He seemed to think I should feel honoured he thought I was hot enough
Lastly, the other day my BIL who I don't know well was around for the weekend with my SIL, and spent half the time drunk, loud, making crude jokes and innuendos, and honestly I was shocked to realise I felt nervy and wanted to avoid him. It was entirely irrational, but as he was a drunk, loud man, I was intensely wary.
Of course, I was sexually abused by my stepfather at puberty, had an abusive relationship in my midteens, was coerced into prostitution at 16 for a short time, had older men try to hit on me/take advantage of me, and generally just don't have the best experiences with men, so no doubt that heavily colours my experiences.
Although, in no way have I had anywhere near the worst experiences with men, in my female friend group

Women and girls are attacked by men and boys for no reason other than their sex in all kinds of areas. Within the space of a few months earlier this year two 15 year old girls were sexually assaulted by entirely separate men unknown to them in the middle of the day (one in her school uniform) in the the London Borough of Richmond upon Thames, one of the most "desirable" areas there is.

datun, I think it is massively overlooked by people who like to point out NAMALT all the time. "My DS/DP/DF would never hurt someone" ignores the fact that the DS/DP/DF in question is also at risk of male violence.

berry, I live in very safe area too. Didn't stop the group of teenage boys threatening me with rape a couple of years ago. While that is the only incident I've even heard of in this area it did make me question if there are any truly 'safe' areas.

Scrumplestiltskin

Very much so dinahmorris and that's definitely the case regarding areas. Male violence against women and girls can and does happen everywhere.

I am hardly going to be afraid of teenage boys

On a personal level, no. I've been subjected to violence once (beaten up by football hooligans in a pub) but they started harrassing and pushing about my my then boyfriend first and it was when one of them headbutted him that I got involved.
It made me scared of thug type hooligans and threating situations like men getting shouty in pubs, but doesn't make sense to me to be scared of men in general because that was the only time, and pretty much all the men I know are not the aggressive or violent types.
I can see why some of you are though, it's all down to experience.
And my own experience tallies with that newspaper report - the number of men I know (usually 18-25) who have been randomly battered by strangers on a night out for no or little reason is depressingly large, compared to almost zero for women.
Although of course, the sexual assaults is depressingly high for the women I know.

I have been in plenty of drunken arguements with men and women in my time, but it's usually the drink talking.

A 17 year old boy is awaiting trial for the rape and attempted murder of a woman in her 20s who was entirely unknown to him in a Leicester park. Derry McCann also committed his first prolonged rape on a woman of 30 in a park at 17. It's hardly risible for women and girls to be wary of teenage boys.

I'm not afraid of men in general.

I am cautious of men who are exhibiting certain behaviours. So, not the heart-racing fear OP describes but more what raininsummer says, a wariness and gearing up to manage the person or situation.

It's recently dawned on me that due to being less exposed to such behaviour recently (hurray), I'm actually getting less practised at the managing. Something I need to think about.

Well, berry, you may not of been. But I was. And, to be fair, the guy at 101 told me to call 999 if it ever happened again. He seemed to have some empathy with a lone woman walking alone at night being harassed by a group (around 10) 15yo boys.

There are no safe areas. There are busy areas and remote areas. Its the people around you who determine whether you are safe in them or not.

"Nope. No fear whatsoever. But then I live in a very safe place. I don't let men rule me in this way. If my car broke down, I'd just stay in my locked car, waiting for help. Life is too short to live in fear."

So why lock your car?

dinahmorris

Exactly. Statistically, men should curtail their freedom far more than women. Yet they never do.

Because it's not constantly borne in on them, day after day in the same way that it is with women. The constant, relentless harassment that women are subjected to - it's like a male violence mass marketing campaign.

(Of course, in more serious situations, no amount of "managing" is going to help.)