How 'afraid' are we of men?

[ChipsForSupper]

Most of us know, either sadly through experience or through knowledge acquired by observing the world around us, that men can be threatening towards women and most of us are also brought up trained to take precautions such as not going out alone at certain times or to certain places. I was just wondering how individual women feel about this and to what degree it affects each one of us.

Personally, on the surface of it, this rarely worries me and I am happy to go on remote country walks by myself, often walk home late at night etc. This is probably because I am older now, I live in a fairly untroubled neck of the woods and I am a "what are the odds?" type person among other reasons.

However, recently, I broke down very late at night in a quiet country layby. I told the rescue people on the phone that, although I was a woman on my own, I was not a priority because I knew the area well and felt quite safe. While waiting for the breakdown truck to arrive, I even had to get out and and venture into the bushes to have a wee and felt perfectly OK about it. Then, at one point, a saw a man walking up the road in the direction of my car. I felt instantly afraid - even though I knew he probably couldn't see me as the lights were out and was more than likely an innocent soul on his way home from a night out somewhere. Nevertheless, my heart was racing and I held my breath until after he'd gone. This reaction took me by surprise and made me realise that I am affected by this general 'fear' of men.

I've often heard friends say that they are afraid of the dark, or afraid of lonely places or afraid of breaking down etc. All of this happened to me and I was fine until a man came along. What we really mean is, we are afraid of men.

Anyway, I wondered how predominant everyone else feels this fear is in their day to day lives?

Nope. No fear whatsoever. But then I live in a very safe place. I don't let men rule me in this way. If my car broke down, I'd just stay in my locked car, waiting for help. Life is too short to live in fear.

When I was younger I was always careful about where I went and I tried not to make myself vulnerable to attack. Even now I try to be sensible about where I am and who is around me.

On the other side of the coin, I have a SIL who is sweet and gentle. He is, however, tall and strapping and likes to dress in fashionable urban clothing. He is always having to make sure that he is not walking too close to women, because he notices that they act a bit jumpy when they see him. He often has to cross over the road in order to show that he is not following women.

I do feel uneasy in situations like you describe but I think that's because we've been conditioned to think that, as women, I'd we stay at home, we'll be safe. The reality is that we are far more likely to be harmed by someone we know well than a stranger in an alley way.
This is interesting because I think most of us ignore this and believe that we are not in danger from our loved ones, which makes it such a shock for individual women when they are attacked that it's often difficult to act appropriately and leave a really dangerous situation.
That was probably a bit rambly!

I think if myself as fairly confident (in terms of getting on and doing stuff on my own - not confident in an "I'd stand up and speak in front of a crowd" kinda way!) but I was thinking about this sort of thing the other day. I was heading into town with my toddler on the bike, and at a traffic light there was a van with the windows down and three men inside singing loudly, shouting out the window at people (not sure what, it was a T junction and I wasn't close enough to hear)... Actually just shouting at women, but there weren't any men around so I don't know if they would have also shouted at the men.

Anyway, I realised that I was sitting at the lights nervously waiting for them to change so that I could get away before they might shout anything to me. My heart was definitely beating faster and I was definitely feeling intimidated by their presence/ behaviour.

I was annoyed at myself for letting it have that affect on me, but also annoyed at them for what I perceived to be their assumption that it was their right to make as much noise as they wanted, holler at whoever they wanted, basically just behave how they wanted because they were men.

Though it may not be a male /female thing, as I know there are also women who would act like this, but in my experience it is usually men - and it is men that make me nervous by doing it.

Not quite the same as what you're talking about though, as I didn't feel any sense of threat, as such, just intimidation, and like it was their space.

I'm not afraid of men. Maybe more wary around a certain type of man, but then I think I'm equally wary of women of the same type.
I do worry about men in my life around other men though. Things like getting stabbed, robbed etc just for being in the wrong area or something.
Both are probably as much a threat as each other, so don't know why I worry more for men and boys I know than I do myself. Maybe because the type of man I'm wary of I come across less these days but the type of men who attack and even kill men in the street for looking at them the wrong way or walking down the wrong street are more common in my mind.
I do have a few friends who are scared of men though, and it seems just like a normal thing when spoken about which is quite sad. So she could say she doesn't want to go a certain route because a man is standing there, and people just agree as if it's obvious we should avoid him. It's not like other fears that people will try and talk somebody out of or think is silly. It's a fear that people just accept men can be dangerous so avoid being in quiet places alone with them til you know them well.

I don't walk round in a state of fear. Largely because my life is such that don't encounter these situations very often.

But, had I been in your position, OP. I would have felt very similar.

Because, if he had been dodgy, you would have had no chance.

And that's the difference.

All sorts of scenarios instantly run through your head, and you can discount all the ones that say he's just walking home after a night out, he's fine, etc, because they simply don't matter. The only one that matters is whether or not he is dodgy.

I am 44 but whenever I walk back from town alone I always run the last bit - shortcut down a dark alley. Needless to say dh doesn't.

I personally haven't felt fear. I would walk home anytime of day and night. I never have thought I would be hurt or attacked. I would have assumed the man would help me.

I am wary of all men. Even teenagers

I don't have much fear because I am the size of an average man. I wonder whether small men are afraid of men in general as well?

Women and girls are attacked, sometimes murdered, by men and boys in all kinds of areas for no reason other than being female. "A safe area" doesn't really exist in this respect as I know of plenty of attacks which have occurred committed by men on women and girls unknown to them, often in broad daylight, purely due to the sex of the victim in areas which people would class as sought after and safe. Being well aware of this and that any man (or even boys in their teens) could attack me anywhere leads to a kind of fear though it's difficult to articulate my precise feelings. I live in a "safe" area I very much love but because of the awareness of these attacks it's difficult not to be wary, although I feel far more comfortable in my area than anywhere else. I am planning to start doing self-defence/body combat after it was recommended to me on here as this seems a productive way to boost confidence in this respect and sounds rather enjoyable too.

I'm glad if women and girls don't fear men. The majority are no risk so it probably makes sense not to be, but at the same time it's clear why some do.

I wouldn't say I live my life in fear of men, but the underlying worry is there. Not so much about being attacked, but being harassed. So (for example):

• walking in to a shop with a bunch of teenage boys hanging round outside
• walking past a building site
• getting on the an empty train carriage at night

I don't know if men get anxious about these things, but they set my spidey sense tingling. Perhaps because I have been harassed in each of these situations before.

I don't feel afraid on a day to day basis, but with hindsight there were a couple of occasions when I was younger when I should have felt afraid but I was too naïve to realise it.

I am most likely to feel nervous if eg I am on a train at night with few other people, and a drunk man comes along, that sort of thing.

I don't have any fear at all. Then I've never had a bad experience with a man or even a moment of feeling unsafe.

I guess I've been lucky and always had good men in my life so I've never had any reason to automatically fear all men or think they are bad.

Being afraid of men as a group would be like being afraid of cars cause you might be run over. Seems a bit alarmist.

It's not really "alarmist" when you have no way of determining whether a man you pass on the street for example would be willing to assault you or not.

You have no way of knowing if a car will knock you over, but it's unlikely

I wonder whether small men are afraid of men in general as well?

Probably not. Men are not nearly as likely to attack small men just because they are there as they are to attack women just because we are there.
A small man might feel afraid of walking home after dark if he carries a lot of money, but that's not the same. A woman cannot leave her vagina at home.

I don't live in a state of fear, but that's because I avoid situations that would cause fear.
The number of places all over the world I don't dare visit because of male violence is enormous. Places like Turkey and Egypt I'd have only visited in a large group of German tourists ten years ago. Now they're too dangerous even for that.

If feel relatively safe walking home alone in the dark because I know that stranger rape is rare here, as stranger rapists run a risk of actually being punished.

I have become rather cautious about inviting men to my home, though. Haven't had reason to do that recently, but would probably not do anymore, after some bad experiences.

Where I notice that I am much more afraid of men than they are of me is the internet.

Especially misogynist dudes have photos of them all over the internet, and tell people where they live, even.

I would never do that. Much too dangerous.

(Interestingly, most other feminists take the same precautions I do, whereas libfems often don't. Women are very aware of whether they say things that anger men, or not.)

Being afraid of men as a group would be like being afraid of cars cause you might be run over

I'm not afraid of cars. I am afraid of men who drive cars. However, as men rape in much larger numbers than they run over women, I am not overly worried about being run over.

In your situation OP if I was sitting in a car in the dark in the middle of the night I'd be alarmed whether it was a man or woman that was walking down the road towards me - but then I'm a bit of a cowardy.

Not scared of men per se but yes, in vulnerable places there is a real wariness but I think this it vital for self protection. If we did not have that we would possibly put ourselves in danger as some men are opportunistic and dangerous.

"I wonder whether small men are afraid of men in general as well?"

Size isn't an issue, but acting loudly and aggressively or dressed a certain way? Sure. I'm not even that small, but me and most of the guys I know mentally set ourselves to an alert/defence posture in most of the scenarios described here.

I've never felt afraid of men and have been on plenty of walks on my own at night etc. All the men I've known are all decent. So on an individual level I can't relate to this general fear of men/sexual harrassment etc. But I understand why some people do feel scared.. maybe due to previous bad experiences compounded by male crime statistics and films and shows usually having a male aggressor.

I have broken down a few times and just get random men to help me. I haven't got any breakdown cover so have had strangers jump the car, push me etc. It would never really occur to me to be worried as I would be more worried I would not be able to get car home! (I have a history of driving bangers)

'I'd just stay in my locked car, waiting for help.'

Why would the car be locked?