"If I could I would slap her"

[FrustratedFeminist]

Title says it all really, comment said by a young guy to me (relayed by my sister).

For context, I made an ill-advised trip to visit my sister recently who's in her final year at a very academic uni. They start final exams late next week and everyone is naturally very stressed. I came over to deliver a food/treats parcel to her and then was going to head home straightaway (only 40 min train journey). Unfortunately she flipped when she saw me and got very angry that I was distracting her (can see how it came across that way but not my intention).

Anyway, to cut a long story short I went back to her room in college accommodation (walls paper thin) and we had a small argument about this. It was late at night (think 12-1) and she was a bit physically aggressive and I shouted at her and called her names. Unfortuantely, people heard me shout which I truly regret and someone knocked on her door to complain. Again I really regret this.

She has forgiven me, and I ended up moving to a hotel for the night. Unfortunately the male "friend" of hers who knocked on the door (also a finalist) told her this morning that he was very angry about the incident. He would have heard some shouting and me howling (awkward) which I am really sorry for. I did leave before 2 in the morn though so it would have been a few mins of disruption between say 1-2am. He told her that if he could meet me/see me now (i.e. Sat morning) he would slap me!

This is a pretty misogynistic insult no?? He had time to cool off about things this morn and to threaten physical violence (slapping) anyone is pretty disgusting. I find it intersting that his specific choice of dealing with the incident would be "slapping" too... Ironically, he is in his final year doing Law...

Thanks everyone again for your comments.

I'm not sure why some of the personal attacks are continuing (?) as I have admitted my guilt and obviously more importantly apologised to my sister/those on her corridor. So you dont need to make me feel any worse :)

Also to those who feel that they are only being given one side of the story - again, I have been slated enough on here and clearly havent behaved perfectly in the whole saga. So what motivation do I have not to reveal the truth?

Id like to add that it was a Friday night when I arrived. I arrived late specifically so that she would have finished her revision having spent a whole day doing it. She also went back to the library after I got there to carry on working, so I wasnt disturbing her routine per se.

ALso no-one's exams would have been til Mon Morning. The distruption was annoying admittedly but did not go on past 1.30am when I went to a hotel. And it definitely wasn't sustained, they wouldnt have been 'kept up' or 'woken up' just disturbed.

So yes my query was primarily regarding his wording and whether this is ok. I have discussed with a few people IRL and they do think that it is slightly off to say that to someone you have never met. But I can see how the long and complicated back story is distracting. ANyway thanks

Lassunparallaled and itsraining - personal comments and sarcasm = pretty unecessary tbh. I appreciate this is an honest and no holds barred forum (which is why I like it) but try not to make it personal yeah? Not on

You turned a situation where you were in the wrong into one where using a spurious claim that his actions were misogynistic and threatening to you (when you weren't even present).You were hoping to engineer a sympathy vote and didn't get it.

You are still trying to minimise your behaviour because it really wasn't that bad due to it being the week-end.

And I note that despite having the word "feminist " in your name you haven't commented on the thread about the Paraguayan rape victim. The idea that you have been a victim of sexism/misogyny is laughable.

Lassunparalleled. What an unbelievable thing to say. If you bothered to search my posts you would see that I have namechanged - how do you know that I haven't contributed on that thread?

How am I trying to minimise my behaviour? I have accepted that I am in the wrong and added the weekend detail to show that I at least had good intentions even if (as I fully admit) I obviously did not think about things properly; but I am trying to get across that in any case its unacceptable that anyone should threaten anyone like that. The feminist undertone to this occurs because he is a man using violence in connection with a woman, do you understand? If I had said that to him, I somehow doubt I would have emerged from the situation unscathed.

Feminism/victimisation occurs on all levels, and can be minor too!! When did I ever compare my plight to that of the Paraguayan rape victim??? When did I even use the word victim???? Take a look at yourself Lass and stop throwing around unfounded accusations.

Saying that you can't care about low level everyday sexism when there are bigger issues is a common argument used by mysoginists

You are trying to conflate an everyday off the cuff used by men and women in a hyperbolic sense with no intent to carry it through as victimisation. You weren't even there.

It has nothing to do with everyday sexism. Ive said it about people who annoy me, other posters have too.

Youre a credit to the sisterhood Lass. How dare you turn this into a personal attack by claiming that because I superficially dont seem to care about a Paraguayan rape victim's plight (which I obviously do btw), I am in some way minimising "real sexism"...

Ill leave you with Blistorys POV as a parting comment shall I:

"Essentially you did something that irritated a young man and he choose to use this to refer to violence to women. It doesn't matter whether he meant it or not. As a woman, you shouldn't be put in a position where you have to consider whether it was a real threat or not. Men need to be more careful and understand the impact of casual language and how it continues to perpetuate myths and stereotypes and contributes to a culture of fear.

Threatening violence against women whether intended for their ears or otherwise, whether jokingly or otherwise is not acceptable."

There you go. Oh and have my first ever

i think lass is fantastic personally

What I find a bit on all of this is that your sister would tell you that this man had said he wanted to slap you.

Not sure what you mean messy, I can assure you once again (!) that Im telling you how the situation played out from my POV as objectively as I can... But yes i have a pretty volatile situation wiht my sister. Theres no doubt that she did want me to make me feel bad/guilty (and I was in the wrong) but yeah its a shame she had to tell me verbatim. But there you go

That's what I mean OP, it's not very nice of her. I can't imagine a situation where I would tell someone that this had been said about them unless I wanted to hurt them.

Perhaps you should check your female privilege.

If you were a guy and caused that sort of disturbance at that time, he wouldn't have said he would slap you, he would have came to you and actually done it. Being female grants you leniency and getting away with a lot more than a male would in the exact same circumstances.

Oh, do bore off zay... being banned means something.

Back again, zayele?

Check your female privilege, don't sweep it under the carpet and play ignorant.

Fuck off, there's a dear.

And you wonder why so many men and women hate feminists?

Nope, because I know that people who do aren't very emotionally intelligent. Anyway, you've been banned again, because you're a tedious troll.

Zayyele, short of your offensive and quite frankly ridiculous comments, I strongly doubt that the male in question would have decked me if I were a man... Your argument plays right into his hands.

zayyele clearly thinks all men are really violent out of control savages who just go round assaulting people whenever they're annoyed.

Then I'm guessing, he accuses feminists of being man haters.

But most of us think most men aren't as vicious as he does.

Funny that

Three... two... one...

That's better :)