"If I could I would slap her"

[FrustratedFeminist]

Title says it all really, comment said by a young guy to me (relayed by my sister).

For context, I made an ill-advised trip to visit my sister recently who's in her final year at a very academic uni. They start final exams late next week and everyone is naturally very stressed. I came over to deliver a food/treats parcel to her and then was going to head home straightaway (only 40 min train journey). Unfortunately she flipped when she saw me and got very angry that I was distracting her (can see how it came across that way but not my intention).

Anyway, to cut a long story short I went back to her room in college accommodation (walls paper thin) and we had a small argument about this. It was late at night (think 12-1) and she was a bit physically aggressive and I shouted at her and called her names. Unfortuantely, people heard me shout which I truly regret and someone knocked on her door to complain. Again I really regret this.

She has forgiven me, and I ended up moving to a hotel for the night. Unfortunately the male "friend" of hers who knocked on the door (also a finalist) told her this morning that he was very angry about the incident. He would have heard some shouting and me howling (awkward) which I am really sorry for. I did leave before 2 in the morn though so it would have been a few mins of disruption between say 1-2am. He told her that if he could meet me/see me now (i.e. Sat morning) he would slap me!

This is a pretty misogynistic insult no?? He had time to cool off about things this morn and to threaten physical violence (slapping) anyone is pretty disgusting. I find it intersting that his specific choice of dealing with the incident would be "slapping" too... Ironically, he is in his final year doing Law...

to answer your question....
No it's not a feminist issue!

No it's not fair that you are totally blaming yourself. You arranged a nice treat for your sister at your own expense and your letting her and a bunch of strangers beat you up over it.

If she's highly stressed then I'd accept a "now is really not a great time. Please dont just turn up." Etc then an apology text/ call when she's less stress apologising for allowing her stress to treat you badly.

What you did you did out of love - I really wouldn't bother in future.

Gosh baddz, care to say it one more time !! Yes I understand completely how my actions came across like that ! But it wasnt my intention, can you appreciate that ? We didnt have a drunken hysterical argument as some seem to think, it was a few hissed words and sounds as she hurt my arm ! How am I aggressive? And rude ?? Inconsiderate yes I can understand in light of the incident but I think you are being a little unfair

I do absolutely shoulder the blame for what happened and am keen to make amends ! That was why I instantly left the building, I didnt want to make it any worse for anyone there ! Can you see that ???? As soon as her door was knocked on, I left.

Baddz, just seen last post, yes I think I have finally grasped that now. Many thanks though...

Frustrated I just mean that if you've worded your op a bit more evenly, with less chat about the level of drama, then other posters wouldn't get bogged down in offering personal opinions about you and the situation that you haven't asked for advice for

Youare - thanks again for this, kind of you to say that. in fairness to her, she has just sent me a long explanation (unasked for) saying how sorry she is and we did have a 5 min chat about things this morn to clear the air. ive told her the key thing now is exams (well obviously she knows) but that she shouldnt worry about me, and obviously will ever be pulling a stunt like this again ! thanks though

queen - yeah youre absolutely right! thanks :)

It's odd.
Why is this all your fault?
As I said in my first post....your sister does not come out of this well either!
Perhaps learn and take note from this.
Don't surprise her again.
Don't let her physically hurt you.
Don't get into heated arguments which disturb others.
Sometimes with family, you just cannot win I'm afraid.

Exactly Baddz I'm glad you share the same opinion as me.

The responses here have baffled me somewhat.

I don't think men threaten to punch other men FWIW

They're all too aware of how violent other men are and how that could turn out bad for them. Unless you lot know really violent men who are always doing that, it sounds unlikely to me so actually it could be misogynistic, but without knowing the bloke it's not automatically so, maybe he threatens to slap everyone when he's pissed off and stressed. If so, he'd better hope he doesn't threaten someone willing to take it up with him, there are lots of violent men around who would get on a train in order to demand satisfaction for that sort of remark.

I think you fucked up and your sister was awful. She should have let you go and get the last train as you were planning instead of insisting on you staying and then festering about how annoyed she was.

No-one comes out of it well, but I just wanted to say that I believe you as like you, I don't know why someone anonymous would have a motive to lie to randoms on the internet. Oh sorry, I'm forgetting, women just lie about everything don't they, even when they're anonymous and no-one knows them and there's no particular benefit to them lying. We just can't help it can we.

yeah basil i dont come out of this well at all so not sure why people would imagine i have edited details out etc.

i think your opinion is a more articulate version of my gut feeling when i heard the comment. drama, stress and anger aside, i dont think its on to threaten to "slap" someone as perceived punishment for what theyve done. i do get that its a turn of phrase but given that i left immediately and he had a good 12 hours of peace in between, really? he would slap me?

i do think deep down that if i was a men he wouldnt have threatened violence. im a small built, young looking female (as my sister is) so he must have known that i wasnt some huge hulking physical threat... seemed like his only response to the very stressful situation (which im not trying to diminish) was a threat of violence. like when a parent smacks a child to regain control. i felt like a naughty child

also for everyone whos saying that its just a turn of phrase, he didnt say oh god i could have slapped her, he said "if she was here now, i would slap her" approx 12 hours after things in the cold light of day :s really didnt sit well with me as an expression.

At work I have to talk to several difficult clients on the phone. I'm very polite to them, but sometimes when the phone is safely on it's base I have been known to say that I want to punch them.
It is a turn of phrase.
I don't even imagine punching them.
I have never punched anyone.
I am very anti violence.
But sometimes I say ' I want to punch them'.
Stop thinking about what the he said.
Do you honestly think that if he had seen you 12 hours later he would have slapped you?

My first impression is that there is a lot more back story.

But regarding the retro-conditional threat I don't think it's sexist in that he might have said it about a man but it is in the way a woman would be less likely to say it about a man, because she doesn't have the comfort of knowing that she wouldn't get a flooring back...but I'm being picky there.

...on a slight tangent I've often heard the "if she weren't a woman I'd punch her" which is all kinds of sexism rolled into one: benevolent, protective yet incredibly hostile with a good dose of putting the woman in her place by pointing out that men give us our freedom..

But seeing as that isn't what was said here, I think you're best to focus on why your relationship with your sister is so volatile.

Good luck

This is the first thread on Mumsnet I've seen where the OP holds their hands up and says that they were in the wrong, responds politely to personal comments and still gets slated.

Good intentions gone awry OP. No it wasn't misogyny, yes you and your sister were out of order and it might be an idea to phone ahead next time. But you've figured that out already so all's well that ends well.

It was a nasty thing for that man to have so said. A man should not contemplate violence towards a woman (or another man come to think of it) . I think it is a feminist issue as it is a man contemplating violence towards a woman. Can understand you sister's frustration as she did not want the distraction of your visit. Also you should have switched the phone off when she asked. However I appreciate you were trying to support her and you had made a lot of effort. Shame things went badly.

It is a turn of phrase exactly as paxtecum said

OP behaved very badly, caused inconvenience and disturbance to several people (and I doubt we got the full story) but somehow managed to twist it into a "feminist" issue and feel hard done by.

Gawd, what a load of stupid fuss over nothing - are you and your sister always this difficult to get along with? Why did she flip when you turned up at 9pm? Was she not expecting you? Had she specifically requested that you didn't come at that time, or on that night, or at all? I'm sure there is more to this than meets the eye…

You do sound as though you behaved like an hysterical woman (not that only women behave in a hysterical manner of course, but in this case you are indeed a woman) or like an errant child to be honest - it sounds like you both behaved appallingly and someone somewhere needed a slap….

Look, it was just a figure of speech spoken in frustration because you behaved badly and he was disturbed by it, and by seeing your sister upset. If someone was shouting and arguing outside my bedroom door in the early hours of the morning during one of the most stressful weeks of my life I might rant about wanting to slap them too. Doesn't mean I'd have any real intention of doing it. Get over yourself.

oh ok sorry should have read further down the thread, see the OP has accepted that she was being a bit precious!

I agree that the sister stuff is fairly irrelevant in the context of your question.

Essentially you did something that irritated a young man and he choose to use this to refer to violence to women. It doesn't matter whether he meant it or not. As a woman, you shouldn't be put in a position where you have to consider whether it was a real threat or not. Men need to be more careful and understand the impact of casual language and how it continues to perpetuate myths and stereotypes and contributes to a culture of fear.

Threatening violence against women whether intended for their ears or otherwise, whether jokingly or otherwise is not acceptable.

As a woman, you shouldn't be put in a position where you have to consider whether it was a real threat or not.

she wasn't. He didn't say it to her directly, or even in her presence, or even on the same evening by the sounds of it, but in a post-motem conversation of it with her sister after she had already left. I was nothing more than a flippant irritated rant. Any fool can see that.

I do feel that we're only getting one side of the story here.

Sister's side: I'm flat out revising for my final exams. I'm really, really stressed about the amount of work I've got to do and how little time I've got to do it. Everyone around me is pretty stressed and revising hard too. We're all getting on each other's nerves a bit but trying to keep calm and just get through it.

I was just getting some essential work done, and had then had an early night planned when suddenly my sister, who lives several miles away, turns up at 9pm unannounced and uninvited. I just don't understand why she couldn't call first to check whether it was a good time as it really, really wasn't. She brought me some gifts, which was lovely of her, but I don't understand why she couldn't have posted these or called to find out when I was free to see her.

I was so frustrated because I am very fond of her, and she was trying to be kind, but I really couldn't afford to spend time entertaining her. I felt guilty because she'd come all that way on the train and I didn't like the idea of her travelling back late at night so I gave up on revision for the night and suggested she stayed, asking her to be quiet both for my sake and the sake of the other students. The walls are very thin in my halls.

She was such a pain. Despite me really needing an early night she was still on her phone at 1am keeping me awake. I'm afraid at that point I just snapped and tried to grab the phone and we started arguing. We woke up all the people in the corridor and the guy next door is furious because he was woken up and has a really important exam today.

My sister eventually stormed off to sleep in an hotel leaving me to deal with a corridor full of angry students who now won't speak to me. I'm even more behind with my work, twice as stressed and non of my friends are speaking to me. AIBU to be cross with my sister?

I agree Blistory.

Sorry you've had such a hard time on here OP. A lot of these responses seem to be a massive over-reaction to your act of kindness gone wrong.

Yes I'm sure the other students whose sleep was interrupted just didn't understand how kind and generous OP was.

It is a massive over-exaggeration to turn a flippant remark not even said in OP's presence into a threat of violence