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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

"If I could I would slap her"

136 replies

FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 18:44

Title says it all really, comment said by a young guy to me (relayed by my sister).

For context, I made an ill-advised trip to visit my sister recently who's in her final year at a very academic uni. They start final exams late next week and everyone is naturally very stressed. I came over to deliver a food/treats parcel to her and then was going to head home straightaway (only 40 min train journey). Unfortunately she flipped when she saw me and got very angry that I was distracting her (can see how it came across that way but not my intention).

Anyway, to cut a long story short I went back to her room in college accommodation (walls paper thin) and we had a small argument about this. It was late at night (think 12-1) and she was a bit physically aggressive and I shouted at her and called her names. Unfortuantely, people heard me shout which I truly regret and someone knocked on her door to complain. Again I really regret this.

She has forgiven me, and I ended up moving to a hotel for the night. Unfortunately the male "friend" of hers who knocked on the door (also a finalist) told her this morning that he was very angry about the incident. He would have heard some shouting and me howling (awkward) which I am really sorry for. I did leave before 2 in the morn though so it would have been a few mins of disruption between say 1-2am. He told her that if he could meet me/see me now (i.e. Sat morning) he would slap me!

This is a pretty misogynistic insult no?? He had time to cool off about things this morn and to threaten physical violence (slapping) anyone is pretty disgusting. I find it intersting that his specific choice of dealing with the incident would be "slapping" too... Ironically, he is in his final year doing Law...

OP posts:
BeCool · 25/05/2015 09:46

The least feminist thing I've read on this thread is the op concluding she needs to "grow a pair" as a solution.

BeCool · 25/05/2015 10:38

I should qualify I'm on phone and haven't read entire thread. Most of it but not all the shenanigans above.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 25/05/2015 11:32

LOL BeCool totally agree - I think the OP has just proved our point really, that as Lass put it, 'off the cuff remarks used by men and women in a hyperbolic sense' don't necessarily mark you out as an evil misogynist. Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 25/05/2015 18:48

Did they say a pair of what? I've seen the expression used on here with "ovaries" as the last word.

BeCool · 25/05/2015 20:04

No, just "a pair".

Anniegetyourgun · 25/05/2015 23:01

Might not have meant a male pair then.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 26/05/2015 09:23

Oh come on. We all know what 'grow a pair' refers to. It just slipped out of her mouth out of habit without any real thought to the etymology of the phrase or any attached social inference.

Just like 'I would slap her.'

BeCool · 26/05/2015 09:44

Baltimore on the FWR boards there have been many many discussion on "grow a pair". We know exactly what it means. Usually it sits snugly on the shelf with "man up".

AskBasil · 26/05/2015 10:16

I'm a bit puzzled by this discussion.

I agree that "grow a pair" slipped out, but that doesn't mean it's meaningless. Casual throwaway remarks are based in deep cultural assumptions - in this case, that you need testicles to function as an adult. In the case of the OP's original question, that men hitting women is justifiable if we piss them off enough. Both are throwaway thoughtless comments and we all make them. But just because we don't think about them or mean them literally when we make them, doesn't mean we shouldn't think about them and discuss with each other what they mean afterwards.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 26/05/2015 10:23

i agree Basil but in the OP's case there was more than a bit of the pot calling the kettle black on that score! She is holding this bloke to a some sort of higher standard than she holds herself.

Sashimiii · 26/05/2015 13:00

Baltimore I'm afraid I'm finding it difficult to follow your argument too... Like Basil said, why should we not consider the cultural assumptions regarding both comments? I don't think OP's own comment devalues her argument at all actually, and I also can't see how she's holding the bloke in question to a higher standard than herself in all honesty.

What do you mean by that?

LassUnparalleled · 26/05/2015 13:04

OP told me off for letting the sisterhood down because I didn't agree with her.

Seems to have escaped her attention the only person who was actually violent to her was her own sister literally on the night and then emotionally the next day in pointlessly (or perhaps to emphasise just how annoying OP's behaviour had been?) telling her about this remark.

I haven't posted on the sisters thread. I don't have a sister and there is one person in the world to whom I am a sister.

LassUnparalleled · 26/05/2015 13:06

At least one female poster said they felt like slapping her too. I doubt she meant it any more than this bloke did.

YonicScrewdriver · 26/05/2015 14:04

Lass, the OP's response to you was after your post implying she didn't care about a victim of rape in Paraguay. Be fair.

YonicScrewdriver · 26/05/2015 14:11

To quote:

19/05/2015 15:38 LassUnparalleled

And I note that despite having the word "feminist " in your name you haven't commented on the thread about the Paraguayan rape victim. The idea that you have been a victim of sexism/misogyny is laughable.

19/05/2015 16:05 FrustratedFeminist

Lassunparalleled. What an unbelievable thing to say. If you bothered to search my posts you would see that I have namechanged - how do you know that I haven't contributed on that thread?

How am I trying to minimise my behaviour? I have accepted that I am in the wrong and added the weekend detail to show that I at least had good intentions even if (as I fully admit) I obviously did not think about things properly; but I am trying to get across that in any case its unacceptable that anyone should threaten anyone like that. The feminist undertone to this occurs because he is a man using violence in connection with a woman, do you understand? If I had said that to him, I somehow doubt I would have emerged from the situation unscathed.

Feminism/victimisation occurs on all levels, and can be minor too!! When did I ever compare my plight to that of the Paraguayan rape victim??? When did I even use the word victim???? Take a look at yourself Lass and stop throwing around unfounded accusations.

19/05/2015 16:10 cogitosum

Saying that you can't care about low level everyday sexism when there are bigger issues is a common argument used by mysoginists

19/05/2015 16:36 LassUnparalleled

You are trying to conflate an everyday off the cuff used by men and women in a hyperbolic sense with no intent to carry it through as victimisation. You weren't even there.

It has nothing to do with everyday sexism. Ive said it about people who annoy me, other posters have too.

19/05/2015 16:43 FrustratedFeminist

Youre a credit to the sisterhood Lass. How dare you turn this into a personal attack by claiming that because I superficially dont seem to care about a Paraguayan rape victim's plight (which I obviously do btw), I am in some way minimising "real sexism"...

YonicScrewdriver · 26/05/2015 14:19

To summarise that exchange as "OP told me off for letting the sisterhood down because I didn't agree with her. " is a biased summary.

Sashimiii · 26/05/2015 16:41

I've come late to the party but Yonic's enlightening summary has motivated me to read through this thread in one go, and now, well, I'm a bit Confused and Shock about much of the reaction the OP has faced here. This isn't representative of MN at all (or at least my own experiences here!)

Some posters have tried to see OP's side or at least not 'attack' her for her obvious mishandling of the situation. Other almost seem to be gloating about the fact she was called this by essentially goading her into an argument of some sort... Hope I'm wrong.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the OP's situations are (and indeed it is clear she is not trying to equate herself to a hard done-by victim of horrific sexism, at least in her later posts) it is not in the spirit of the board for us to victimise like this to prove a point. There are other ways of letting a poster know you do not agree with what they have to say.

Sashimiii · 26/05/2015 16:44

To clarify it is not so much that I agree with what the OP has to say. I do to an extent (particularly OP's later posts) and although I don't so much agree with the hyperbolic opening post, I think she has received unfair treatment from a select few here.

LassUnparalleled · 26/05/2015 18:09

The OP had a noisy row with her sister , who then continued to stir things by reporting the next morning what a third party said but which were not said directly to the OP. It was not a feminist issue.

Whilst this was being discussed another thread about a horrific incident which is a feminist issue and a gross abuse of human rights was being largely ignored.

The OP decided there had been a "misogynistic insult" ; decided to make a big play of the reference to "slapping" which several posters agreed was not meant literally. OP had not apparently even considered apologising to the people she disturbed. In fact she chose to play that down because it was the weekend.

OP posted "victimisation occurs on all levels, and can be minor too!!" .

The OP was not victimised except possibly by her sister needling her by passing on the remark.

YonicScrewdriver · 26/05/2015 18:58

Before your first post on the thread, OP admitted several times that she was wrong, Lass.

You ignored that, berated her for her original post then out of the blue, accused her of not caring about a rape victim. Unsurprisingly, that upset her.

Then you wait a few days and summarise her upset response as her saying you were "letting down the sisterhood", whilst completely missing out of that summary your own behaviour.

AskBasil · 26/05/2015 22:00

"it is not in the spirit of the board for us to victimise like this to prove a point."

Ah but it's exactly the spirit of some of the people who only ever come to this board in order to declare that something an OP wants to discuss from a feminist angle, isn't a feminist issue, or that an OP is over-reacting and seeing sexism where it doesn't exist, or that everyone is over-thinking things because under-thinking them is much better.

Ho hum.

LassUnparalleled · 26/05/2015 23:46

Ho hum indeed Basil. Not everything is a feminist issue and I do think there is a tendency to see sexism in everything

My opinion is as valid as yours .

AskBasil · 27/05/2015 08:38

Yes Lass, I know you think not everything is a feminist issue and feminists have a tendency to see sexism where it isn't because we've nothing better to do.

And I know you think your opinion is as valid as mine.

cadno · 27/05/2015 15:28

That AskBasil eh ? - what a know all.

pejecod · 27/05/2015 17:11

Let me see if I've got this right...

-OP makes a racket in early hours and wakes neighbour.

-Neighbour says "if I could I would slap her" in response.

-OP plays the "sexism" and "misoygny" card.

This isn't "sexism" or "misogyny" at all. If you disturb people's sleep they aren't going to be happy regardless if you're male, female or other gender. Take off your feminist-tinted glasses and take a good look at yourself instead of crying "sexism" everytime someone isn't happy at you.

This has nothing to do with your gender and everything to do with you being a complete in the middle of the night.