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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

"If I could I would slap her"

136 replies

FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 18:44

Title says it all really, comment said by a young guy to me (relayed by my sister).

For context, I made an ill-advised trip to visit my sister recently who's in her final year at a very academic uni. They start final exams late next week and everyone is naturally very stressed. I came over to deliver a food/treats parcel to her and then was going to head home straightaway (only 40 min train journey). Unfortunately she flipped when she saw me and got very angry that I was distracting her (can see how it came across that way but not my intention).

Anyway, to cut a long story short I went back to her room in college accommodation (walls paper thin) and we had a small argument about this. It was late at night (think 12-1) and she was a bit physically aggressive and I shouted at her and called her names. Unfortuantely, people heard me shout which I truly regret and someone knocked on her door to complain. Again I really regret this.

She has forgiven me, and I ended up moving to a hotel for the night. Unfortunately the male "friend" of hers who knocked on the door (also a finalist) told her this morning that he was very angry about the incident. He would have heard some shouting and me howling (awkward) which I am really sorry for. I did leave before 2 in the morn though so it would have been a few mins of disruption between say 1-2am. He told her that if he could meet me/see me now (i.e. Sat morning) he would slap me!

This is a pretty misogynistic insult no?? He had time to cool off about things this morn and to threaten physical violence (slapping) anyone is pretty disgusting. I find it intersting that his specific choice of dealing with the incident would be "slapping" too... Ironically, he is in his final year doing Law...

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:10

thank you fenella, yes i do feel bad and ashamed that i put her in what was obviously a difficult position. also feel bad towards other people on the corridor. i honestly do, the last thing i want to do is make their lives harder

im just speaking as someone who is not very plain speaking myself and really objected to his choice of phrasing especially when he has never met me. im not a horrible person at all, but i made a mistake. think i need to get over it dont i, and learn a lesson from this.

on reflection i can see how this isnt really a feminist issue, sorry all.

a bit upset if im honest at some of the personal comments (eg " you sound awful ") on this thread but maybe I need to grow a pair!

OP posts:
BuggersMuddle · 16/05/2015 19:11

You all sound wired to the bloody moon tbh. Highly academic / competitive types shouting and getting physical in the middle of the night Confused

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 16/05/2015 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YonicScrewdriver · 16/05/2015 19:12

"I would (n)ever say this to someone but admittedly he is under pressure."

He didn't say it to you though - he said it to a third party after the event.

Agree with the others, I don't see this as sexist.

Hope you and your sister make up soon.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:13

thetruth, thanks for your input but thats a very personal comment. i can appreciate that perhaps i came across like that but im not at all. can i ask why you believe that i do lead my life in a way that " makes everything all about me "? :s

OP posts:
Baddz · 16/05/2015 19:13

Jesus.
Not one person in this scenario comes out well.
You sound rude, aggressive and inconsiderate.

YonicScrewdriver · 16/05/2015 19:14

"ok fair enough i deserved a slap or punch. i do admit i was in the wrong."

You were both in the wrong for shouting in the middle of the night. Neither of you deserved a slap or punch and if said guy had walked in on the row and slapped you, that would have been unacceptable.

youarekiddingme · 16/05/2015 19:15

what? You made a 1.5 hr round trip to deliver your sister a food parcel during a stressful time, she flipped at you, argued with you (so equally as culpable) and everyone thinks your in the wrong?

Either I'm reading a completely different OP or stepped into a parallel universe?

Personally I wouldn't be doing your sister any more favours. It really wouldn't have destroyed her exam results by saying a quick thanks, saying she's too busy to chat and could you leave parcel there or in her room and she'll call you.

popalot · 16/05/2015 19:16

Sisters have a special knack of winding each other up the wrong way, it's just this time it happened in her halls and would have disturbed some stressed out people's sleep. I would take it on the chin. He doesn't know you and you are not likely to meet him again. Your sister probably told you to help prevent it happening again. Next time don't stay over....forgive and forget x

Momagain1 · 16/05/2015 19:17

Well I guess I just feel that if I were a man he would not threaten to slap me. Perhaps not misogynistic per se but still pretty focused on the "hysterical woman who needs a good slap to calm down" stereotype. What am I, an errant child who needs to be disciplined?! Just feel like it's not on!

You have no idea whether he would have said he wanted to slap you if you were a guy though. He might well have. Or maybe a slightly different threat, like a punch or something. So, we cant really say it is mysogynistic. He was saying this about you as a woman, but as ra random and major annoyance at a stressful time.

I think he was just plain irritated, and no wonder. Who shows up at that time of night, unexpectedly, with or without presents, especially during a stressful time? And evidently, with hopes of a place to sleep, even though you could afford a hotel when you had to. Please make a note reminding yourself about what a stupid idea this was, so you dont end up featuring in a 'bizarre things my MIL does' thread 30 years from now.

Momagain1 · 16/05/2015 19:18

He was NOT saying this about you as a woman, but as a random and major annoyance at a stressful time.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:20

Yonic, fine yes I am able to see that now.

For those requiring more context, Im happy to give it but wanted to keep first post succint. I am very close to my sister who is going through a very difficult time at uni with exams. She has requested a parcel of her fave things for a while now. I packed these up together (expensive chocs, really nice ready meals, cards, little notes to brighten her day) and decided to courier them over personally because they wouldn't travel well. Intention was to have 5 mins with her as it was a fri night and then head back home.

She got very very angry when she saw me and refused to let me take the last train home as it would be too dangerous. I agree to stay on her floor quietly and not disturb. She was fine with his.

all well until about 1 in morn (4 hours after i got there, things had calmed down) and argument started over fact my phone light was on (yes boring but here is context!). She confiscated my phone and gripped my arm tightly using physical force until I gave it to her. What people on corridor would have heard was me whimpering and getting angry at her.

I did realise I was being incredibly unfair and at this point left to go to hotel. I am sorry for anyone who thinks I dont realise injustice my behaviour! I really truly am sorry. We met up this morn for five mins and made up.

OP posts:
Baddz · 16/05/2015 19:21

Your sister behaved badly too.
I hope you got an apology too?

Duckdeamon · 16/05/2015 19:23

Don't think his comment or the possible sexism of it is the main issue (although unpleasant and embarrassing) sounds like things went badly awry with your kindly-intended plan and your sister and that it'd be good to try to sort things with her once the dust has settled!

I can imagine how, if in a state, she might have felt pressured to spend unexpected time with you when she had study/stressing to do and/or guilty about not feeling able to, but it came out as anger.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:24

Thanks youarekiddingme, yes im happy to see why other people think Im in the wrong and will learn from this but you have summed up my original POV perfectly. That was my intention. Im very very happy to give my sis the benefit of the doubt here though so admit guilt. I feel terrible today. We have a tumultuous relationship at the best of times so Im not sure why I thought something like this would go down well.

I am hurt and shocked (but perhaps deserving?) of comments like that from Baddz. I sound " rude, aggressive and inconsiderate ", really? :s

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PannaDoll · 16/05/2015 19:24

Sorry but I don't believe she asked or begged you to stay if she was annoyed by your presence there and if you had of turned the phone off, handed it over, she wouldn't have exploded and tried to snatch it. Still sounds like you needed s crash pad after a booze up to me. Colour me cynical.

youarekiddingme · 16/05/2015 19:27

So you did what your sister asked - sent parcel.
She refused to let you get train and invited/ told you to stay.
She assaulted you over a phone light.

And you are still thinking its your fault.

Sounds me to me like your only close to your sister on her terms.

I have a sister like this. It's not worth the stress - believe me.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:27

Panna, sorry but why would I lie on a thread of anonymous strangers ! I have already come out badly as it is ! Shes a decent person and obviously felt worried about me wandering the streets late at night to get back to train station. This is clearly where my plan was poorly thought out. Booze didn't come into at all, sorry to disappoint, I was stone cold sober - perhaps that makes it worse?

OP posts:
PannaDoll · 16/05/2015 19:29

It's an odd one for sure. Would love to hear her side of the story :-)

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:30

Youare - thanks for support, its reassuring that someone doesnt think im a complete bitch!!! I honestly feel bad about it today and you lot have made me see things in that light so thanks, i obviously did do more harm than good.

We do have a relationship which goes up and down, but admittedly shes under huge huge stress right now and cant think straight. I wish i hadnt done this really! She does have an element of that to her personality (ie being close to me on her terms) but in this situation i guess i should give her the benefit of the doubt! its only fair

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QueenBean · 16/05/2015 19:32

You've done the wrong thing in posting all that history and then asking if the context of the quote was sexist / misogynistic. That's why you've got everyone piling in now and judging you based on the story.

Fwiw, the comment he made is in no way misogynistic.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:32

Panna, yeah fair enough. She was obviously wound up by the fact i was using my phone when she was trying to sleep (i was as quiet as poss) but i didnt appreciate the physical force ! i was in the wrong anyway, perhaps her side of the story would read differently, i guess there are 2 sides to everything :)

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:34

oh right queen, can I ask (not being disingenuous) what would have best way of approaching it ? I guess not making it a feminist issue Blush sorry i am still reeling a bit because no-ones ever said taht to me before! but yes i probs should have said things differently. at the very least i can now appreciate why it wasn't gender-based, sorry all!

OP posts:
Baddz · 16/05/2015 19:34

Your sister is stressed and busy. You know this. You still go and see her unannounced.
You then proceed to loudly fight with her and wake her neighbours at 1-2 am.
I repeat...you are rude, aggressive and inconsiderate.
I assume her neighbours have exams to revise for too?

YonicScrewdriver · 16/05/2015 19:34

Glad you have made up. I'd give it some time after the exams and have a chat about what happened as it sounds like it's worth talking through properly.