Rape within marriage

[tabouleh]

Yes unashamedly a thread about a thread.

It is like entering the bloody twilight zone over there.

Jeez there are MNers basically caring more about OP's husbands right to sex rather than believing OP and helping her.

Totally understand if this gets deleted for being a thread about a thread - but if it gets more of the feminist viewpoints onto that thread then great.

God this is depressing.

I won't be checking this thread again, but I thought I'd just pop back and set Marantha's (and everyone else who is concerned that my poor husband thought I was okay with it).

Having spoken to him at length about what happened yesterday, to get "his side of the story".

Since that is so important! Vital! Much more important than mine!

And since we all know it only counts if he knew I didn't consent!

(that was sarcasm by the way).

He heard me say I did not want to have sex.

Just thought I'd let you know.

I am not sure where to go from here WRT mumsnet; I'd like to discuss what I will be doing next but obviously any thread I started, even under a new name I suspect, would be piled into by people who want me to understand that what happened to me isn't the same as what happens to people who are dragged off the street at knifepoint

(I am aware of this, thankyou).

Or tell me that if I think my husband is a rapist I should call the police.

Any suggestions on where to go would be appreciated; CAT might work but it seems quite restrictive? I originally wanted a broad spectrum of suggestions and viewpoints (about what to do in my situation, NOT about whether what happened was technically rape, I am quite clear on that thankyou) - and am still open to that, but it probably won't happen in a constructive way now.

Anyway, this thread was great to find yesterday. I'm very grateful to those who started it and talked to me constructively yesterday.

Thank you SGM - I agree, they were horrible posts. They made me feel quite upset, but I feel better now.

Prolesworth if that was realy the case, I would have described my scenario and everyone would have immeidately agreed whether it was rape or not. I absolutely don't feel it was rape, but lots of other posters seem to think it was.

SassySusan wrote "I am horrified about the number of posters who think anyone disagrees with them is anti-feminist"

I think you are the only poster to mention "anti-feminist" (apart from Prolesworth and myself quoting you).

I should think that would be presented as evidence, Sassy. But hopefully if the partner felt they had been raped and that that particular activity (e.g. anal, or unprovoken willy-sticking with no foreplay) had not previously been a part of their relationship, then that would also be taken into account. So much is up to the judge and jury really.

Anchor now you've said that he actually heard you say it and admits it himself, well that changes a lot, I think.

I'm sorry, wish I could tell you where to go from here- I can't. Don't have the skills to advise anything.
Only can say that you seek advice in real life.

Please don't be harsh on anyone here, though, don't blame people for what you (perhaps rightly) perceive as insensitivity- what do you want people to say? Most people hear the word 'rape' and think 'get rid of him', others think it can be worked through somehow.
Me? I don't know what the heck you should do for the best.

I'm ignorant as to what you should do next other than to say get some kind of real life help.

SGM is referrring to the personal attacks you've made on me, Sassy.

cross post

vesuvia here is the first mention:

dittany Thu 26-Aug-10 17:37:38
I don't think I'd join an off board community. There's a reason this section happened at Mumsnet - because it's amenable to this kind of open discussion, even if it means the antifeminists get in sometimes.

Anchor - I just think firstly you need to give yourself plenty of time and space to think, don't let him hassle you into making up your mind about things or "putting it behind you". How is he behaving now?

It sounds like he just thought "fuck it, i'm going to have sex anyway and hope she likes it" which is to say the least worrying and deeply intimidating.

I really hope that you do feel able to come back on here for support (post with some kind of maritime name and I'm sure we'll recognise you) at some point.

And I really hope you get the help you need with counselling etc to resolve this and your other problems.

Wishing you well x

Here's another one, that implies there is only one feminist perspective... maybe I am being over-sensitive - but that is how I read it...

tabouleh Thu 26-Aug-10 22:39:45
There is a thread in relationships which asks:

"Have you ever had sex without your consent?".

Portofino wrote "sometimes you just put up with it, though not in the mood and vice versa".

Portofino - is this why you hate "modern feminism" - because you are putting up with things which if you were a feminist you'd have to admit were not ok.

marantha, personally, I don't see why you - you specifically - felt the need to repeat yourself again and again.

I wasn't asking for your advice. It wasn't an unclear situation. My original thread wasn't the time or the place for a hypothetical discussion of "well what if he thought", and "I don't think you should use that word".

I wasn't asking if he raped me. I knew what had happened. I was asking for compassion and if there was a way through this for us as a couple. I gave context.

Asking me not to be harsh is hilarious. Did you read Portofino's posts about me?

I am not sure what I wanted people to say. What I was surprised people DID say - and shocked, and disappointed and, yes angered by - was being told that I was devaluing 'real' rape by referring to penetration of my vagina by a penis without my consent (and when I had verbally said no), as rape.

I was surprised by the responses of many posters. I was surprised you and others followed me here to continue repeating yourselves.

Surprised and saddened.

Anchor thanks for posting back.

You sound strong.

In fact your spirit/humour/wit shines through your posts - this makes me confident to say that you will beat the depression.

Feel free to CAT me. Particularly to discuss acne .

Stay strong.

tabouleh

Anchor I'm afraid I didn't read your original thread before it was pulled, so I couldn't begin to advise you. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Have you thought of phoning Rape Crisis to talk the siutation through - I think you sometimes get a more sensible answer haveing an indepth discussion with a knowledegable person than 300 strangers on a message board.

Anchor you have had some good advice on here.

And as to that poster Marantha - coming on and finally trying to offer Anchor some kind of support because Anchor has said that her husband heard her say NO.
Well it makes me puke.

Gosh - yes "phew" now we know how to improve the rape convicion rate - just make sure that the rapists ADMIT what they did.

Anchor no offence here but I did not follow you over here. That is bullshit.
The thread is entitled 'Rape within marriage', NOT, 'A continutation of *Anchor's thread that was pulled earlier'.

I admit that your problem got me interested in the subject, but to be honest, I actually did not realise that this thread was going to be about you specifically.

I thought: Anchor's thread is too controversial, MN has pulled it, she has left, this Rape Within Marriage thread will just be people generally talking about the subject.

And if it's good advice you're after, seek outside help with a person face-to-face not the web.

There you go again Marantha - insulting Anchor, you really are very sad.

I think you are the one that needs to seek outside help for your abusive posts.

Marantha, you have been singularly lacking in compassion to Anchor.

SGM I'm sorry. I misunderstood you.

In any case, I was not responding to an impersonal list of possible circumstances. I was resonsding to at least 2 posts which was exteremely personal, asking how I would act if MY DH was in a coma

Gigantaur Fri 27-Aug-10 12:58:25
if your husband is in a coma his penis could still become erect. would it be ok to just jump aboard? most right thinking people would say not

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 27-Aug-10 15:32:25
Having sex with your sleeping partner, just like having sex with your drunk-to-passed-out partner, or your in-a-coma partner, is rape or assault. The fact that you did it doesn't mean that it can't be illegal. What are you, infallible?

I did not respond to the first one at all, and I did explain (nicely) why I found the idea of my DH being in a coma rather upsetting.

Then I believe, in the full knowledge that my little girl had just died, the poster in question came in and admonished me for bringing my irrelevant "news" into the discussion. I think that's rather ... err.. insensitive - don't you?

I know now why threads-about-a-thread are deleted.