bad sex awards: how about childbirth?

[Elasticwoman]

Article in the Times touched on the literary award for bad sex in a novel. I wondered whether any one has any contributions for a literary bad birth in a novel?

Can't think of any toe curlingly embarrassing childbirth in fiction myself, but a funny one in Adrian Mole, when Adrian witnesses the birth because the nurses mistakenly thought he was the baby's father, so we see the birth through his eyes and then the fun of the nurses' horror when they realised who he was! (Thanks Sue Townsend - a memorable scene.)

Rosmerta - I've been lurking since yesterday too. Am alarmed at the empty state of my brain. Things never used to be this way!

I blame two kids and the pressures of being involved in the cut-throat world of pre-school fundraising!

still struggling to work this one out - have been lurking since yesterday (in between putting off writing myself!) think brain might be giving up judging by how many people have 'got it' - or is the peeny just being incredably low to drop .. clues or a summary anyone?! Tis bugging me now!

I've given the most clues ever!
Read booktype threads in september with UQD.
Simple.

For anyone out there who didn't take Latin, Labia is the plural of Labrador.

UQD: have purchased your Proper Literature
novel off of Amazon.

How badly do you wish you'd never mentioned f**king childbirth scene?

We don't have indoor toilet at Batcave, and no-one likes to hang around reading comedy non-fiction in freezing cold.

Swedes is very classy and has indoor toilet and Friends In High Places. High Places People have warm loos so work on her.

Part of me wishes I'd never mentioned it... I feel a bit guilty for having hijacked the thread, and also there are Dissenting Voices in other parts of this place who feel I perhaps Mention My Vocation Too Much.

On the other hand:
Ker-ching!

(onebat - if you like it I have two previous offences on the fiction front which you may like to consider...)

don't push your luck

I am also going to purchase an example of your Proper Literature, by way of apology for indelibly associating your name with toilets in the minds of all Mumsnetters .

Think I've worked out who UnquietDad is.

Can I easily make your name into a rude anagram?

A rude anagram?... Thinks... I'm sure you could make most people's name into a rude anagram if you try hard enough.

Yes, but I think that yours lends itself quite easily..

...?

Ok, just looked at your profile and realised that I've not identified you at all.

Sorry but I thought that you were Im No Knickers .

Well despite you all I will be posting my entry on the first Creative Writing/Lit Crit thread in .. about .. February.

At this early stage, I plan to begin with these words:

"In a rainbow of shit, Circadius was expelled. He slid, ear-down, onto the oilskin."

you may smirk or applaud, as you see fit. I'm hard, and can handle it.

I know shit happens, but I think it is overshadowed by joy, relief and probably blood at the moment of birth.

I have four children. I scarcely remember being there, let alone any atmospheric detail to share with others. I remember feeling an incredibly strong urge to do a runner. Am I alone in that?
OBM - Oh damn, you have worked it out. I was getting all excited about the prospect of seeing you on Mastermind. Your name is Onebatmother, from London. Your specialist subject is Mumsnet bookthreads that Unquietdad is on and your time starts now.

I think your pithy and intriguing entry promises genius Onebatmother. I particularly liked the subversion of the biblical motifs - the "rainbow of shit" and the Eden-like expulsion from the womb intermingled with the visceral "oilskin" and the mention of the child's ear - a Joycean birth of the artist etc etc etc

Actually, like Swedes, I remember nothing. Except that the anaesthetic didn't work too well for during the stitching, and that there was something rather unseemly left on the bathroom floor by a previous occupant.

Onebatmother's birth scene is reminiscent of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille's arrival at the beginning of Patrick Suskind's novel, Perfume. Only better written, of course.

My one surviving brain cell is still rattling around in a lonely fashion, trying feverishly to pin down the identity of UQD.
It's lonely in there. Anyone wanna help it?!!!!

Why thank you Iorek, that's most kind.

There is some confusion though. My work is not, in fact, autobiographical.

Bat babies are usually born feet first so the wings don't get entangled. Some give birth upside down and catch the babies in their wings; others right side up, the mother hanging on with her wing claws and catching her baby with her leg-tail flap.

The enormous batbabe - sometimes up to 40% of the weight of the mother - moves quickly to the nipple under the mother's wings and hangs on tight with its specially adapted hooked milk teeth.

swedes

poor lonely brain cell Birdly. is MN like Fight Club UQD?

Ouch - don't like the sound of those hooked milk teeth.

A leg-tail flap might be useful though. Can you get your shopping in it?