Hi all - haven't been around for a while, and have a lot of catching up to do - thanks for the new thread @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne.
So, today is my one year MJ-a-versary. I remember this time last year I'd spent weeks stalking this page, reading everybody's stories, terrified and excited at the same time. You all gave me the encouragement and information I needed to take the plunge, so thank you for that. One of the things I've always really liked about this particular part of the internet is how honest you all are here, and how that enabled me to see how many different paths we were all taking - yes there are many similarities we share (the fear of chairs, missing out on theme parks, needing seatbelt extenders!) but there are also many differences and I've always thought that was really important, seeing that not everybody goes in a straight line and that we all have different stories to share.
I know previous 'it's been a year' posts have been pretty celebratory, but I'm afraid mine isn't. Some of you will know I've been struggling, and I suppose that's why I haven't been around. I even felt too deflated to come here and complain to you all, somehow embarrassed by the fact that I'm 'failing' - no idea why, nobody here has ever been anything less than wonderful and supportive. It says more about me and where my head is at than anything else. Basically, I'm just so fucking sad about it all - excuse my language but sometimes only a good old-fashioned F-bomb does the trick!
So I took my first dose a year ago today. I literally couldn't believe the difference it made to my life. Within 24 hours I had amazing suppression, and for a good few months after that everything was different. I made healthy choices, didn't drink too much, had absolutely zero desire to binge on sweet treats or on anything at all. It was a complete revelation and changed everything - I finally felt free, which I'm sure so many of you will understand. It made me realise how dominated my life had been by my relationship with food - eating it, trying not to eat, thinking about, hating myself for the way I behaved around it. Not thinking about food all the time freed up so much head space (sometimes for me to worry about other things instead, but that's just me!). The weight dropped off, I started to feel so much more positive about myself and my future - health wise and also just as a woman, gaining confidence, buying new clothes from Vinted (thanks for that suggestion guys!), just looking ahead with such hope.
That lasted until the end of July, and looking at my records, in that space of time I lost 4 stone exactly - which was fantastic. Since then I have been up, down and sideways. And between July 31 and now, I've lost a whopping total of ten pounds. In eight months. To be fair I've lost it, regained it, lost a bit more, put it back on - the usual cycle we're all way too familiar with. I'm on 15mg and it has literally zero effect on me. As I've said before here, it's like I'm injecting water. No suppression whatsoever, and I'm back to struggling every single day, binging, ordering takeaways, eating when everyone else is out, hiding the evidence. I just cannot stop eating. It's not even hunger, it's that awful combination of greed and compulsion that again I think we'll all be familiar with here. So I'm in the worst of both worlds really - spending £270 a month on MJ, spending a fortune on Deliveroo etc, and not losing weight. In fact I'm slowly gaining. Something has very obviously changed - if the MJ had never worked at all, I'd be sad but accept it. The fact that it worked so brilliantly but only for a short time really upsets me. It's like I was given a glimpse of what life could be like as a 'normal' person, and then it was snatched away - which is even worse. Now I feel like I'm trapped in the prison of this addiction again, and I'm just so distressed. I'm actually crying as I write this. I think that's why I've not been posting or coming here - I knew it would make me confront things that are upsetting. If this was a stall I could accept it, slow weight loss would be fine, but it's different - I'm eating exactly like I used to again, it's not a stall it's a complete breakdown in everything MJ is supposed to do, and which it has done for me before. I've been there and felt its power - but now it simply doesn't work for me any more.
Like I said earlier, I do love how honest we are here - and sharing this crappy situation feels important somehow. It's not all rainbows and sunshine and reaching goals. And like I said, I don't even think this is a stall for me, it feels like it's actually over. I've lost a decent chunk and I'm grateful for that - it's definitely made life easier in lots of practical ways - but I'm still obese, and still have another six stone to go at least before I'm in any way healthy. Now I'm actually creeping up again, and I hate it. It's not even so much the weight - it's the mental side of it. The not feeling in control. A sense of absolute dread at going back to being the way I was, and Every Single Bloody Day being such a battle - a battle to just not be me. I'm exhausted by it.
I've tried all variations on dosing as suggested here, and also went crazy and did a 20mg one week, which was also something some of you had done. I mean, it did work slightly, because I was shitting myself for two days - but obviously not a long term solution! I've considered coming off for a month or two and starting again, but I also know how much damage I'm capable of doing in that amount of time - I'm scared I'll put five stone on frankly! I've also considered moving to Wegovy, but I know some of you have tried this and it's not been great. It just feels very much like my body is saying 'no more' - it's reached its tolerance level for weight loss, and it's determined to keep me like this. It could be worse. I can now sit in most chairs, and apart from Ryanair (the bastards) don't use seatbelt extenders on planes. But I am still huge, still feel so fat, and more importantly, I'm spiralling a little. I look back on the last year and still remember the absolute thrill, the joy in fact, of starting on MJ and feeling like I'd finally found something that worked - now I just feel like it was a very expensive blip, and in fact I'll never break free of the cycle we've all been on - the lose-it-and-gain-it routine.
Sorry for such a long post, but I suppose I needed to get all that out there - again, it's about transparency, with myself and others. I'm embarrassed now when people talk about it, ask how it's going, and in honesty all I want to do is cry and say 'I broke Mounjaro.' I was full of hope, and now I am not, and losing the hope is worse than gaining the weight. Now, I'm going to go back over everything I've missed and catch up on all your news!