My best friend’s son’s wedding

[GardenBirdie]

The son of my best friend of 51 years gets married tomorrow. I wasn’t invited.

it’s not exactly a small wedding - 60+ guests - and it’s taking place in a castle. My friend and her husband are paying for it.

i’ve known the groom since he was born and feel very sorry not to be seeing him get married.

I would never say anything, of course, but can’t help but feel upset that my friend hasn’t even acknowledged it.

Should I, in some way, refer to this in future? It feels dishonest not to. The wedding doesn't just involve the bride and groom and their friends - I know some distant relatives have been invited that my friend is rarely in touch with.

The same thing happened with her first son.

Feeling very hurt.

The distant relatives are HIS distant relatives too. You are not related to him nor are you a friend of his. Similar thread yesterday about not being invited to a friend's child's wedding and same answer as given by most there - it is unreasonable to be upset with your friend, and, no, I wouldn't "refer to it in some way" later (unless it is to ask how the wedding went and offering congratulations to her son).

I totally get that it’s hurtful but unless you want to fall out over it, there’s nothing you can do other than wish them well & hope they have a great day.

TBH, a younger me would struggle to get over the snub & would likely have to say something & blow up the friendship but now that I’m older (mid-50s), I’d let it go if I did usually get a lot from the friendship.

It is hurtful though, sorry!

It wouldn’t have crossed my mind that I’d get an invite. In my family and circle of friends inviting friends of the parents isn’t something I’ve ever seen.
I can understand that it would be lovely to have got an invitation but I think you must be able to appreciate that there will be people who the bride and groom know better or who are related to. I think it’s more normal for brides and grooms to only want their own family and their own friends at their wedding.
I have helped pay for my kids weddings but never expected that it meant I should get some
of my own guests. I made it very clear that it was a gift with absolutely no strings attached.

Why would you mention it. It’s not your wedding so why make the day about you.

selfish

I get where youre coming from op but I think itll go down badly with your friend.

Yes for my wedding, even though my DH paid for most of it, my parents had one third of the invites as they were hosting it. There was actually quite an overlap between me and my parents in terms of relatives and family friends so I gave my DH some of my ‘share’. Bigger than your wedding but I also wanted close family friends to come and I was touched that many travelled from abroad. I’d be surprised too - though my best friends son I wouldn’t mind missing as I actually don’t like him much but my oldest friend I know her kids very well so I’d hope to be invited.

I posted this on a similar post yesterday - I would never invite our parents friends, there would be no room for anyone else!

It's completely up to the bride and groom and really don't consider parents friends a norm on guest lists?

Very usual for only relatives and friends of couple to be invited to a wedding of fewer than 80 guests.
Do show your care and love by writing out a beautiful card to him and his bride and dropping it around to his parents' home tonight.
Personally wish them all well and express a strong interest in seeing the photos.
That will mean so much.

60 guests is only 30 for the bride and 30 for the groom. If the bride or groom invites their own best friend, their partner and kids that could be 5 in one go.

We had a very small wedding of immediate family only - parents, siblings and their kids and we were 24 people without inviting a single one of our own friends.

I'm sure it's simply a numbers thing and your friends son and his partner have their own friends that they want to invite, as well as family.

I think 60 guests is a small wedding, would not expect parents friends to be invited. Sorry op, I can see why you weren’t given a seat.

Do you have a close relationship to him? How often do you speak/ message him. How often do you spend time together?

I have a life long bf until our kids were 5/6 we saw each other weekly and kids played together. But as we got older and busier the we saw less of each other. In last ten years (age 11-21 for bfs dd and 13-23 for mine) I’ve seen her twice at weddings , once at a christening and maybe a couple times I’ve bumped into her and said hello. And my bf has probably just seen my dd at the three occasions mentioned. I doubt my dd will invite bf to her wedding when she married as she doesn’t really know her and vice versa.

Absolutely barmy to even think you would be invited imo.

Yes if it was your best friend getting married! Not her son though.

Why do some people feel that they are entitled to a wedding invite. I see posts like this often.

Even if they had a large wedding and even though your friend is paying the guest list is unlikely to have been written by her. Should she begin her mil relationship by demanding that the bride invite mil's friends rather than her own? Please stop seeing this as something your friend has done you. It certainly didn't occur to me to ask my mil if she has any friends I needed to invite to my wedding, it was bad enough feeling obligated having all the distant relatives I didn't know rather than my own close friends.

60 people isn't a big wedding once you've invited friends and family of the bride and groom. Parents friends are very much an optional extra- we had my godfather and DHs Godmother. MIL wanted all her friends and was annoyed but it wasn't up to her!

60 is not that many. Imagine you were the bride writing the guest list. The groom also has family to invite. Let’s say 15-20 family members on each side - you get to this very quickly. That leaves 20-30 friends between you. School friends, uni friends and their partners. Where is the room for your parent’s friends? Tough decisions have to be made.

I'd consider that a small wedding, tbh. As has been said, it might only be 30 guests per side and that can full quickly if kids are involved. I'm Jewish and honestly thought only we and Indian families tended to have parents' friends at weddings these days!

So that’s thirty guests each side. And they have prioritised family over friends and over friends of their family.

You need perspective. I didn’t invite any of my parents friends to my wedding, why would I?

I've just started thinking about planning my own (second) wedding. We're at 29 with just immediate family - siblings and their spouses and kids, our parents and our kids. That's before aunts/uncles/cousins or a single friend has been added. We each have a couple of childhood friends to invite but haven't even considered parents friends who've known us since birth.

I really don't get the whole 'parents are paying so expect to have a list of their own guests'. If I can't have the wedding I want with gifted money then I wouldn't accept it.

YABU op - each plate at dinner costs over 100 quid, there are likely capacity constraints as well as financial ones, and I'm afraid friends of parents come waaaaaay down the list.

60 is not a particularly big wedding. That’s 30 guests for each side, all their relatives, friends. If you’ve got 100+ guests by all means invite mum’s best friend but the couple shouldn’t feel obliged to bump friends or actual family off the guest list in case they offend their parent’s friends. Each Mum & Dad’s best friends (+ spouses) would be minimum another 8 guests.

It’s ok to feel that way, it sounds like you feel a bit more like a surrogate auntie than just a friend, but it’s not ok to say something. Feel sad, treat yourself to a pick you up, congratulate your friend and wish the happy couple well

I know that nobody owes you an invitation, and they can invite who they want ect...

But...if it was my best friend of 51 years and you have known her son his entire life, I can understand your disappointment at not being invited.

Did she say anything to you? Perhaps you think more highly of the friendship than she does?

My DD is getting married in September and she asked if I would like to invite my closest friend as she has known her since she was a child.

I didn’t invite any of my parents friends to my wedding.

it never occurred to me to invite them and it’s never occurred to me that they would be bothered by this

your friendship is with the parent. Not the son.

No one owes you an invitation. Bitterness and confrontation about someone's happy day is ugly. 60 people is a small wedding, they most likely couldn't fit everyone they knew into that number.

I don’t think it would even occur to me to invite my parents friends! I would extend an invite to my mum’s best friend but that would be based on our own friendship that has developed, since I became an adult, in its own right. This lady is someone I would speak to regularly, go out with and spend quality time with outside of “special events”.