My best friend’s son’s wedding

[GardenBirdie]

The son of my best friend of 51 years gets married tomorrow. I wasn’t invited.

it’s not exactly a small wedding - 60+ guests - and it’s taking place in a castle. My friend and her husband are paying for it.

i’ve known the groom since he was born and feel very sorry not to be seeing him get married.

I would never say anything, of course, but can’t help but feel upset that my friend hasn’t even acknowledged it.

Should I, in some way, refer to this in future? It feels dishonest not to. The wedding doesn't just involve the bride and groom and their friends - I know some distant relatives have been invited that my friend is rarely in touch with.

The same thing happened with her first son.

Feeling very hurt.

So you weren’t actually invited by the bride and groom @Gardenisablooming

I married 20 years ago
49 people
no parents asking for xyz to be invited
a very special day

We paid for my daughter's wedding but she and her husband chose who they invited. It was their wedding and we didn't think think we had the right to dictate who they invited.
So I don't think you should mention it to your friend

I understand why you would like to be there and it is nice that you would. It IS a small wedding though. If it's 60 guests in total that's 30 for the bride, minus family which for me was 12 that leaves 18 (and I am an only child with only 4 cousins who were all unmarried, that 12 would be 17 now) That would leave 13 now. That's to cover work collegues (4), current everyday friends (4), 6 really close childhood friends. Could easily be 20 family, and 10 friends. That's VERY VERY close friends only.

You could say ‘ I would love to have come for he wedding and see your DSget married’. I know you can’t everyone but just to say I am so proud of him and would have loved to have seen it. You kind of have to invite the distant rels over the friends

60 is not a lot of guests, and the couple still likely have charge of the guest list.

Everyone including me having said all this to defend the bride and groom and it is true - I also couldn’t imagine not inviting my parents best friends to my own wedding having grown up seeing so much of them. But then I had many more than 60 to my wedding so who knows what I would have done if the numbers were more limited.

That wasn’t normal etiquette 25 years ago - which was 2001. Must have been your family but certainly not the norm.

60 is a small wedding. I got married 30 years ago with a similar number. We restricted ourselves to immediate family and 10 friends each.
I wouldn't have ditched a friend for my Mums friend. Wouldn't expect my dc to do it either

When I got married there were lots of my parents friends there as they paid every penny. My daughter is planning her wedding and they are only inviting people who are active parts of their lives that they spend time with. There will be no friends of parents or even cousins that are not a big part of their life.
Being friends with her mother and knowing her all her life doesn't make you important to her, or even mean she likes you. Why should she pick you over someone she is close to

Honestly, this is very usual and not at all a reflection on your friendship. When I was in a similar situation I sent a card and a very small token gift because I wanted to wish them well, but having bridegroom's mother's friends there would really have changed the dynamic of a big joint family occasion.

60 guests is not a lot OP. That’s only 30 on each side - by the time you account for 2 sets of parents, a sibling and a partner on each side, a couple of grandparents, 2 aunts/ uncles and a couple of cousins on each side, best man and bridesmaids (and plus ones for each) etc that leaves very few places for friends let alone the groom’s mum’s friend. You shouldn’t assume you will be invited to people’s weddings.

You are not a friend of the bride and groom. If I was getting married it would not occur to me to invite my parents friends. Paying for your child’s wedding does not mean you get to choose the guests.

60 people is not a big wedding, that’s only 30 from each side. You might adore your friends son but he doesn’t like you as much in return.

The wedding isn’t your friends wedding. It’s his and his brides. You are being so unreasonable to even think of this.

I have children and I have friend. I do not expect to invite any of my friends to their weddings. I remember being annoyed at having to invite my in laws friends when we got married.

I would not expect to go be invited to any of my friends' childrens weddings.

It is their day.

It is not an occasion for us to have a reunion and a get together.

We can do that any time.

I don’t think you should feel hurt by your friend, she has no control over the guest list, her son and DIL are choosing who to invite to THEIR wedding. I’m getting married soon and one of my parents is throwing a strop about wanting their “best friend” there. I barely know this person, have met them a handful of times in my life and probably haven’t seen them for decades. I too am inviting distant relatives that I don’t particularly know because it’s easier to make a blanket rule to invite ‘all aunts, uncles, cousins’ rather than choosing favourites and offending people. I draw the line at parents friends though, unless I had my own independent close relationship with them, which I don’t. If you have an independent close relationship with your friend’s son then I can understand you being upset with him that he didn’t invite you to his wedding. In the same way you’d be upset if a close friend didn’t invite you to their wedding but invited all their other friends. Your friend has no reason to acknowledge this complete non-issue with you. I’d find it bizarre if my parents were going around apologising to their friends for not being invited to my wedding. 60 people is very few especially if you have sizeable families. Our capacity is 100 and we’re struggling due to both having big extended families. Several of DPs friends are already on the reserve list so I absolutely can’t justify inviting parents’ friends when some of the grooms friends likely won’t make the cut!

The thing is: unless you have been actively involved in the son‘s life on a regular basis, it will be really difficult for him/your friend to pick you over family.

No matter how long you have known his mother – and the fact that she and her DH are paying for the wedding - Chances are that your friend has been in a very difficult position regarding family. If you invite Auntie Joan, you have to invite Auntie Doris. Then, if they are going, husband’s family expect to be invited as well. And so the numbers swell.

I remember when I was a kid in the late 90's we attended soem family friends children's weddings. Cut to now, my mother might comment how none of the bride/grooms friends were not at the wedding but nobody else would expect that. I just don't think it is a "thing" anymore.

Weddings are expensive and the mother isn't responsible for the guest list. It is customary to invite relatives even if distant. It's lovely if the parents can invite family friends but it sounds like they haven't got the space and after all, it is two families who have to be considered.

Why would you have had an invite?! It's great to see the parents not inviting people they want rather than the couple getting to choose their friends.

@GardenBirdie , I wasn't invited to my nibling's wedding. It was their wedding and their prerogative. I can't be arsed to mind.

What’s a nibling?!

Be a good friend and send a card and small gift to the bride and groom in the next few days.

This day isn’t about you.