Page 6 | My best friend’s son’s wedding

Jellybean23 · Yesterday 23:16

In days gone by, the wedding invitations were issued by the bride's parents with typical wording ' Mr and Mrs Smith invite you to the wedding of their daughter, Janet to Mr Joe Bloggs'. The bride's parents had a big say in who was invited.

That boat has sailed. Now, the marrying couple tend to issue the invitations themselves and they invite the people they want to be there. Best friends of parents aren't really considered.

LibbyOTV · Yesterday 23:54

I wouldn't prioritise my mum's best friend at my wedding even if I really liked her, which I do. It's just not how I see things or how my family would do things. It's an odd expectation from your side imo - def don't let it affect your friendship.

I don't think it's a snub at all.

northernheathers · Today 00:13

60 people isn’t a big wedding - take off the B&G, their parents, siblings, their spouses and kids and you’ve barely got space for a few of your close mates. Friends of parents wouldn’t have got a look in at my wedding. Parents can arrange a meet-up with their friends (ie you) post-wedding to have lunch and reminisce, at which point I’m sure you’d have the good grace to make the right noises and be happy for them.

QueenOfTheWasps · Today 00:16

My parents’ friends were a significant number at my wedding, but that’s largely how it was 30 years ago. Also DPIL’s friends too.

Original poster

GardenBirdie · Today 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

OP posts:

Daygloboo · Today 01:43

GardenBirdie · Yesterday 00:36

The son of my best friend of 51 years gets married tomorrow. I wasn’t invited.

it’s not exactly a small wedding - 60+ guests - and it’s taking place in a castle. My friend and her husband are paying for it.

i’ve known the groom since he was born and feel very sorry not to be seeing him get married.

I would never say anything, of course, but can’t help but feel upset that my friend hasn’t even acknowledged it.

Should I, in some way, refer to this in future? It feels dishonest not to. The wedding doesn't just involve the bride and groom and their friends - I know some distant relatives have been invited that my friend is rarely in touch with.

The same thing happened with her first son.

Feeling very hurt.

People tend to invite their own friends and family. Dont forget weddings are expensive. In my experience couples dont invite parents' friends. I think weddings only get big in that sort of way i.e all sorts of acquaintances of the family if they are celebrity or society weddings.

bostonchamps · Today 02:05

GardenBirdie · Today 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

But can you not see that just because your generation ‘did it’ means that this generation have to ‘do it’? I am also probably ‘quite young’ but I have been married for a while and I’m still very pissed off at the amount of emotional manipulation that overshadowed what DH and I wanted on our wedding day. It soured what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

it’s not about you.

Bunny65 · Today 02:37

It’s true that it used to be the thing for parents to issue the invitations and have a big say in who was invited - they would be paying as the b&g were usually much younger and wouldn’t have had the money. I remember going to weddings when I was young where there would be remote relatives the young couple had never even met as well as family friends. I agree that 60 people isn’t a lot so would have been taken up by family and personal friends of the couple.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · Today 03:17

AgnesMcDoo · Yesterday 07:38

I didn’t invite any of my parents friends to my wedding.

it never occurred to me to invite them and it’s never occurred to me that they would be bothered by this

your friendship is with the parent. Not the son.

But it completely depends on the relationship surely??

I've never expected ANY invitation..
But I have gone to a few friends kids weddings as I have a relationshop with the kids too... Often since birth/toddler hood.

Homemerge · Today 06:14

GardenBirdie · Today 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

Yes but this couple is not from your generation.

Homemerge · Today 06:15

Do you have children @GardenBirdie ?

jdb9803 · Today 06:27

GardenBirdie · Today 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

The problem is back then it didn't cost £200+ per guest and they will have to uninvite one of their close friends to make space for you

MissChanandlerBonng · Today 06:29

GardenBirdie · Today 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

You should take your Mum’s advice and not mention your feelings to your friend.

DozyCrow · Today 06:29

I'm 62 and remember my parents (who were paying for the wedding) taking control of the guest list. It was more normal when I got wed. Nowadays it's typical for the B&G to have the biggest say and they often want uni friends and other people they feel close to. I can also understand your friend inviting distant relatives (though I doubt too many if only 60 guests as wedding) because often wedding and funerals are the only times these relatives are able to get together in big groups.

Take a step back OP. This is the son and his fiancée's wedding and they get the final say. Doesn't matter you've known him since he was born - you're not his friend, your mum's, and his fiancée likely doesn't know you well if at all. The only thing you should say to your friend is congratulations and ask how the big day went.

Homemerge · Today 06:30

Your mother knows you very well @GardenBirdie and no doubt has seen you burn bridges before. Take heed of her advice.

Homemerge · Today 06:32

i can’t believe the fact that only 60 guests is being bandied about by some posters as a reason for why they couple is being reasonable in not inviting the Op.

It wouldn’t matter how many guests they had invited…. It is their decision who they wish to celebrate their wedding with.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · Today 06:33

Best friends of parents are included if they are God parents and if it’s a big wedding, 60 is fairly small and couples usually have more frirnds now because they are older. Few in my day had work friends for example but now couples are older quite often, these friends have been accumulated over 10 years quite possibly and these people get invited. Most couples now limit family to closer family and even then, with 60, that’s probably quite a chunk.

I just don’t think 60 accommodates parental friends.

Homemerge · Today 06:41

MeetMeOnTheCorner · Today 06:33

Best friends of parents are included if they are God parents and if it’s a big wedding, 60 is fairly small and couples usually have more frirnds now because they are older. Few in my day had work friends for example but now couples are older quite often, these friends have been accumulated over 10 years quite possibly and these people get invited. Most couples now limit family to closer family and even then, with 60, that’s probably quite a chunk.

I just don’t think 60 accommodates parental friends.

No…. Best friends of parents are included if they are God parents and if it’s a big wedding,

They are invited IF the bride and groom would like their presence at their wedding

Secretsquirrel2 · Today 06:44

Same thing happened to me a month ago.
However my son is a groomsman and I'll send a generous gift. I think as we age it's just nice to go to a wedding and not a funeral @GardenBirdie .

CharityShopMensGlasses · Today 06:55

I had both sets of parents best couple best friends at my wedding, but it was a squeeze fitting them in with 120 guests as they all have loads of siblings too! I was quite told off for not including every cousin, but the cousins and their kids included were already a third of the guests!
I dont think you should mention it as its really hard with just 60 guests thats only 10 couples for the bride and 10 for the groom of theirs kids too, once they've invited their parents, siblings, aunties and uncles and a friend or two each of the couple there's probably no way to include family friends.

Id just say, Ah Id love to see the photos! Or help her with anything you can, And be kind.

Its natural to think ah it would have been lovely to be invited, bit you really arent owed anything. So I wonder how it is that you've found yourself in that mindset in this friendship.

NerrSnerr · Today 06:58

GardenBirdie · Today 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

Why post if you don’t want to hear people’s views? Just because one generation did it, doesn’t make it the norm now and it is fine for times to change.

Goditsmemargaret · Today 07:01

60 guests? That's 30 each. Let's look at some estimates -
Three groomsmen plus mmediate family is eight. Partners of immediate family is thirteen. Aunties and uncles is twenty-one. That leaves nine yes nine spots to choose between; your oldest friends, your newer friend and partner that you've been meeting up with every week to play tennis with for 18 months, your work colleagues that you go for lunch with most days and have become close to, your twelve cousins that you spent all your childhood holidays with on rotation, the ten couples who you're not crazy close to but definitely consider them friends and have attended their weddings and big birthdays in the last decade, your godparents, your buddies from the running club that you've been on weekends away with and so on... There's no way I'd be giving one of those coveted spots to my mum's friend even if I'd known them since childhood.

I'm Irish and we go big with weddings (300 guests isn't unheard of) but surely anyone can see that 60 guests in a small group.

Yes it would be lovely to be there but they have opted for an intimate crowd and it wouldn't make sense unless you're a godparent.

I'd echo the pp who said send a lovely card with sincere congratulations.

IAmNotMyJobTitle · Today 07:03

The bride and groom will have their own friends they want to invite. It really isn’t personal.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · Today 07:09

GardenBirdie · Today 01:40

That’s an awful comment. I assume you’re quite young. I come from a generation where it was absolutely normal for parents to invite friends to share their joy, especially when you’ve watched their child growing up. There’s nothing selfish about it, and nor is it anything to do with making it ‘all about me’. I often find this on Mumsnet, to be honest - harsh people who seem to thrive on jumping in with cutting, judgemental comments. As my own mum used to say, if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing.

"if you’ve nothing constructive to say, say nothing"

Precisely.
What good would it do? It would only upset your friend.

I also come from the generation where parents' friends were invited. That's what my first wedding was like.
Times have changed. 60 people is not a lot. 30 each.

I am really pleased my children, if they get married, will be able to invite who they want snd have the day they want.

letsgoanonforthis · Today 07:10

I can understand your hurt but I wouldn't say anything.

Even though your friend and her DH are paying, it's not their wedding, nor their guest list. And although you say you are from a generation where it's normal to invite the parent's friends, the couple getting married are not - so it might not have even crossed their minds.

60+ guests IS a small wedding - and it being in a castle doesn't add anything to your being invited or not.

Hopefully the responses you've had on this post have helped you see that this is not personal nor a reflection of how your friend views the friendship.

I am now wondering about my own small wedding (60+) where I never thought to invite any of my parents friends nor MILs friends - maybe my parents felt a certain way but they've never mentioned it.