Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

Treat them equally - otherwise it’s penalising her for being sensible with her life plans etc, and also - whilst they have a house etc, life with small children is incredibly expensive. My parents gave all their children the same sum for weddings regardless of lifestyles.

This!

OP should absolutely pay for her wedding (or at least the same amount you’ve paid her sister adjusted for inflation). If her DD declines, she should transfer that amount as a wedding present.

Its a no brainer. Treat them equally and do the same for both regardless of the circumstances

You should give her whatever you spent on your eldest accounting for inflation. That's the only fair option. She may choose not to fritter it all on one party.

Yes you should treat them equally.
If you’ve spent let’s £10k for your oldest dd wedding, then you should offer tge same to your otter dd.
You can ask her if she wants that money furvtye wedding or to be used on something else. You shouldn’t be deciding or guessing whether she wants that miney fir the wedding or not.

As fir ‘bit none of my friends will be there’, please… it’s your dd wedding, not yours. Wether your friends will be there or not should not be a reason good enough to not treat her the same

But it could also be that the OP’s DDs have, or will have similar amounts spent on them eventually too? The situation’s ongoing, as are most of the situations mentioned here.

And yes, of course I can see that spending 20k on one’s wedding and not the other’s could potentially cause problems in many families - but for a whole host of reasons, it wouldn’t in mine.

Yeah that makes sense. I finally woke up and realised just how dysfunctional my family’s attitude to money was, and how that was a clear illustration of all the other ways in which I was being treated like a second class citizen after my father passed when I was 34. It took another 2 years until I went NC with my sisters, and I was 38 when I confronted my mother. We are now LC and speak maybe once a month on the phone. She doesn’t even have my address.

These things take time to come to the fore, but they do sooner or later. And a parent’s passing is often the catalyst.

Yikes. How to tell me you have a favourite without saying it 🤣

Pay for one and not the other and you will ruin your relationship with your youngest and damage her relationship with her sibling.

So here’s a radical thought.

Ask her?

I would hate that personally, so it just shows what a tricky area money can be in families. My sister gets financial help from my parents quite often. My mum likes to 'keep things equal' as she calls it - so then transfers the same amount of money to me. Which I then transfer back as it's not being given to me because they want to help me, only to 'keep things equal' because they have helped my sister (who is in a similar financial situation to me). I would much prefer they were up front and offered the money - I find it very intrusive to suddenly find it in my account.

Not all families are alike. I'm the one that was given less, precisely for the reasons outlined in the OP and there is no distance or resentment with my siblings as a consequence. My partner and I have far more money than my parents - why should they contribute when we don't need the money?

have the conversation, make the offer, and she can decline, or be delighted for the thought. You could also offer if she says no, to cover the honeymoon, or an upgrade to business class flights or something. They might not want assistance with the wedding, but a gesture of support to celebrate could also be nice. You can’t not offer though.

If this isn't a reverse then you SPEAK to your daughter and use your words. Offer to pay.. If she says no then that's that. Perhaps you can pay for a honeymoon. Either way I can't believe you need to ask this.

Tradition, such as paying for the wedding, should go both ways - i.e. it must be a real wedding. Not two very adult people with a child - that is not a traditional wedding, this is something else. Same for wearing white - and the strangest thing of marrying in white pushing 50 with your 6 foot 6 daughters carrying your white bridal veil (yes, I am referring to the recent nuptials of Princess Anne's son). If in your case, the 'newlyweds' are pushing 40 or 50, your contribution to their pensions would be a better gift than paying for the wedding.

Money is often equated to love (this is particularly obvious when it comes to inheritances). If you have good family relationships you will know that one sibling might get more financial support at what time or another but it doesn't mean they are more loved, and it may well be that things even out over time.

Unfortunately, and I suspect this is OP's issue, if there isn't good family relationships or if one child is perceived as "favourite" then giving one child more than the other (be it love, support or money) just causes the differences in relationship to be emphasised.

The stand out point is that the younger DD has always been more independent. I am reading that to mean "we gave her less help so she had to become self sufficient".

this...maybe adjusted for inflation if you can afford it

I am your other daughter in this scenario. Married later stable high income and children but there is no way on this planet my parents would treat us differently. Send the exact same amount (which could be argued is actually less given the value of money over time) and let them do as they wish! They may not use it, so what your children have recieved equal handouts. One should not be penalised for being more sensible and self sufficient. Also your friends have nothing to do with it, its not your wedding

It is only fair, a wedding is supposed to be a celebration what does it matter who is better off than who.

Of course you offer the same or similar monetary value towards something.

It will breed resentment otherwise as your basically saying your successful so crack on yourself.

Unless you want to risk unfairness and potential problems in the future on favouritism then you really should treat them equally.

It's not really the point that your already married daughter didn't have her own funds to pay for her wedding - she could ave done something more budget friendly. But she didn't because you were paying.

I would speak to my soon to be married daughter and tell her that as you gifted her sister £10k (or whatever it was) to pay for her wedding - you would like to do the same for them. But if they choose to spend the money on house upgrades, a honeymoon or paying off some of the mortgage then that would be fine too. Much better use of the money than paying for a lot of people to eat lots of food!

You send the exact same amount that you spent on eldest daughter for her wedding.

You cant just not give her anything because she's in a better financial position. How shocking!

Don't ask her. It doesn't matter if they need it or not. Just give them whatever you gave to your other daughter. They might have a bigger, fancier wedding if they have more money, they might not. Doesn't matter - you either think it's reasonable to give your daughters X amount of money when they marry or you don't. The fact your other daughter spent it on the wedding isn't the point.

I am really suprised you are asking. Do you not like her partner? Have doubts about the relationship?

I agree with other posters that it's like she's being punished for having the wedding she can afford and being stable.

If you dont atleast offer you are risking your entire relationship with your younger dd and your grandson all because you want to play favourites with your golden child 1st born.
Even if that isn't how you feel or see things that is exactly how it will be seen by everyone else including dd2 and future sil and his entire family aswell as your extended family.
Oh and offering to pay must come with no strings ie you get no say in guests or venue just offer the same budget as you gave dd1

I definitely offer her something. She could end up being quite hurt. I know I would.