Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

I would offer your DD the money and she can use it as she sees fit for the wedding or her family so they are both treated equally. It will cause resentment otherwise

EQUALLY!!!!!

A bit more than the exact amount as prices have gone up!

Odd that you have to ask strangers here. Your poor daughter!

That’s what we did for our granddaughters

I agree, a bit more but at least match it.

well surely the way to know is to ask her!

Do you usually favour her sister?

Of course you should give, or at least offer - and properly not just a token and then take her at her word if she says 'Oh you don't have to...' at least as much as you gave her sister, if not slightly more to account for inflation - the costs of weddings have shot up in the last few years.

i would make a similar financial contribution to your daughter’s wedding. If there is money left over because the wedding is smaller the excess can be a wedding gift.

Most definitely treat them equally. Always

I just don’t know whether she’d want us to pay for anything 🤷‍♀️

Ask her. I’m sure she wouldn’t say no!

Of course you have to offer. Otherwise you’re rewarding your daughter who decided to get married young and couldn’t afford it, and punishing the one who waited.

My sister and I have very different lifestyles, I went to uni and got a professional job, moved away in my early 20s, now own a house, have a partner, have a baby. My sister has flitted from one job to another, splurges money then asks for help when she can’t pay her rent. A couple of years ago my grandad gave her £5k just because he thought it would help her out a bit. At that time I was working hard and saving to buy a house, and would also have loved £5k to help me out with the house. I just really felt at the time like she was being rewarded for not making great choices, and me who worked hard etc got nothing. I imagine your daughter may feel the same.

My brother and hie wife work very part time in low stress low paid jobs, live in social housing and have very low over heads....

My partner and I have good jobs, mortgage etc...

My mum gives my bro wads of money for birthdays and Christmas. I get a candle or some napkins. It feels unfair to me.

At least offer to give her the same amount you gave your other daughter, as long as you can afford to.

What she spends it on is up to her.

It's quite old fashioned to say you should have to pay for a daughter's wedding-fine in the days when women didn't work/needed to be married off, but these days it's just a tradition you don't have to follow.
If you want to, fine, but if you're going to struggle to afford it, your daughters should understand, particularly if they're richer.

Younger sister here. When I got married (age 34 established with a house), my parents gave us £5k towards the wedding. My sister (age 38 at the time) was with her long term partner and had no plans to marry. My parents gave her £5k at the same time to spend on something else (just had to be something 'proper' not spunked up the wall). I'd like to think I'll treat my two daughters the same when the time comes.

so one daughter got married young before she could afford it and wanted a big wrdding so you paid for all of it.

other daughter waited until she could afford it, is having a smaller wedding to suit their situation and you're hoping no one will notice of you don't even offer a contribution?

way to show who's the favourite.

Not paying for your daughters' wedding is entirely different to only paying for one daughter.
If they couldn't afford to pay for both they should have paid what they coudl for the first daughter rather than having the big wedding.

Wow OP, cant believe you're asking this question.

Admittedly we did pay for all of our elder daughter’s wedding, which you can imagine wasn’t cheap, but we did have quite a few friends there, which I know my younger daughter wouldn’t want as she wants a much smaller wedding.

In which case you're already quids in, her wedding will cost much less in present day terms.

You've had some harsh comments on here and a few people making assumptions.

I think the best thing to do is to speak to your younger daughter and her partner and say that you'd like to offer them £x amount, they same as you gave her sister and see what they say.

This

You offer the same amount to the other daughter that you spent on your other one. It’s up to her if she uses it for the wedding or an amazing honeymoon or even home renovations.
There is no way you should just say ‘well she’s more settled and more behind her so I don’t need to’
Hopefully when you paid for the 1st daughters wedding you offered an amount that you are still able to give the second, I can’t imagine why anyone would treat children differently on purpose.

Definitely equal!

You know the answer to this. You are majorly taking the piss if you don't offer to give to your daughters equally.

This looks like another reverse.

I think you should offer an equal amount but it doesn’t have to be towards the wedding, they could use it for something for their house for example.

Have the conversation.
Tell her you would like to make her a gift and do.
Whether she needs it or not is neither here nor there.
Make the offer and make sure she knows how proud of her you are.
You are shoring up trouble for yourself if you don't.

TREAT THEM EQUALLY!