Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

Tell her that - you paid the full whack BUT had free rein over the guest list. If this daughter doesn’t want your mates there then it’s not unreasonable to reduce the amount a little. But you need to have an up front conversation about it all.

Take your daughter to the side and offer to contribute X amount towards her wedding (whatever it was that you paid for your other daughter’s wedding).

And don’t make it conditional on being able to invite your friends.

Well, if YOU don’t know whether your daughter would WANT you to contribute/ be involved, how do expect random strangers online to know? Talk to her about it. I can think of multiple reasons why siblings are not always treated in the same way, but they should never be in any doubt that they are loved equally; but that love cannot be just expressed through words. Assuming that you can afford to give her the same amount of money, I’d just do it, tbh. If you can’t, then she’s at least due an explanation.

Yeah it's very clear who the favourite daughter is.
Even though she got married younger, and couldn't finance her own wedding and had to rely on her parents.

But the other daughter with a good job, stable life etc just wants a smaller wedding and is going to be punished for it.

DS1 36, DS2 33, DD 32

FGS, don't ask her if she wants a contribution. That's just the type of thing my wealthy (and stingy) MIL would do, knowing that to be polite the daughter would have to say no. You give your daughter the same amount as her sister got, you insist, and say it's non negotiable, as all children will be treated the same. If they say they don't need it for the wedding, then you tell them to spend it on the honeymoon, the mortgage or whatever they please. Job done.

Just ask her how much she needs from you towards the wedding?

And thinking about it, although they’ve all had different amounts (of money, time and attention, actually) if I totted it all up, it’d probably come out pretty equally all round.

Absolutely offer the same amount you gave to your eldest. Unless your money situation has significantly declined and that would put you in hardship.

Yes. She should have exactly the same

Well, yes, that’s fine isn’t it?! I don’t think most are suggesting that exactly the same has to be given at the same time and for the same purpose (I sort of get the logic of adjusting for inflation, but that probably goes a bit far for me unless we’re talking decades!) You are treating your children equally.

If you give one child £20k for a wedding but gave nothing to the other at all, then surely you’d realise that was a bit off…?

This. Whether they need assistance or not it would be very hurtful for your DD and make them think you didn't love them as much.

My grandparents didn’t treat their 7 children equally and consequentially most of their kids didn’t speak to one another or were low contact for the rest of their lives. Some of them have tried to sue one another over the years. (And won in one case). The ‘kids’ are now 70s to 90s, some dead. Grandparents have been dead now for over 35 years… the resentment and bitterness still rumbles on. 😑

My mum learned from this and always treated us the same.
I’m not suggesting that your family are the same as mine (I sincerely hope they’re not!), but I think treating kids equally and being clear and straightforward results in a more peaceful life.

You did it for one so you have to at least offer to do it for the other. You could offer to pay for the flowers or photographer. But they might not want anyone contributing.

‘Hey DD; we gave your sister £5k for her wedding. Here’s £5k. No strings attached, do what you want with it. We love you’

That would do it.

Please tell me you were being sarcastic?!

@KnittingMam #equal.
If you don’t rest then equally then you risk losing your relationship with your daughter. It’s different if you don’t have the funds but wedding your dishes wont want the money as she’s older is bizarre. She can have an amazing honeymoon or new kitchen or something

We gave a sum of money to our DS when he got married but our DD is single so when she moved into her new house we gave her the same.

Gotta treat kids equally if you can afford to do so.

You are penalising her for being older and being in a more financially competent position?OBVIOUSLY treat them equally.

If she is very head strong and independent and insists she doesn't want you to pay for it, then I'd gift her the money as a wedding present. Straight in to the bank account, no returns.

Obviously you should treat your children the same! Surprised you even have to ask.

As having been the younger sister in this scenario, I have a completely different perspective!

My elder sister was very young and just starting out when she got married- I was in my 30s and financially secure with DP by the time we married. I was clear from the outset that’s what DP and I would be doing. And to be honest, I wanted the control that picking up the tab brought (sorry mum!).

Just goes to show that asking what they would like is the way forward

Same here.

Someone I knew was one of three sisters, the youngest of whom had a lot of financial help from their mother - don’t know why. Older sisters were furious, always complaining, even tried to get their mum to change her will to reflect the amount of money she’d already given the youngest.
As it turned out, youngest sister died in her 40s, so whatever the mum leaves will be split between the other two anyway. I imagine the mum’s glad she got to help her youngest while she had the chance. People get way too wound up about money issues sometimes.

Do you not approve of the marriage?