Should I pay for my daughter’s wedding?

[KnittingMam]

My younger daughter is getting married next summer and my husband and I are unsure whether we should contribute towards the costs. We paid for our elder daughter’s wedding a few years ago, but she and her partner were a bit younger and didn’t have as much money behind them. Our daughter, who’s getting married next year, and her and her partner have good jobs. They own their own house and have a son together so we don’t feel as though they particularly need any financial assistance. Is that a fair way to look at it or should we treat both our daughters equally and put something towards the wedding?!

I think you have to treat them equally..unless you don't have the money ..then have an honest conversation about why there is a difference between the way you treat your children

I didn't want my parents to make decisions about my wedding so we paid for it ourselves. My parents accepted my choice but still gave me the money they would have paid (I did not ask/particularly want this but it was nice of them to treat siblings equally). They did want to do a family dinner for the wedding which was nice of them and less intrusive.

At least offer to treat them equally.

Your daughter can say no if she really doesn't want you to pay, but if you paid for everything for one child it's really unfair to not even offer to do the same for the other.

Oh also there is a tax advantage of gifting money for a wedding in the UK - I think the first 5,000 from each parent is tax free.

I'd speak to her. My parents had a budget and my dad explained that and anything above I paid for myself. They spent the same on my sisters wedding 4 years later. Costs of course had risen by that point and she had to put more of her own funds in. They are doing the same for my youngest sister next year and she has to put more of her own funds in but we as siblings are in a better place to help as my dad has had to reduce his hours due to cancer treatment.

Your dd2 might not want you to pay but it would be nice to gift her the amount at some point so she can use it towards a honeymoon or towards her home etc. Anything less than treating them equally would feel like you were subsidising her sisters life choices but not acknowledging hers.

Always treat your children equally.

Obviously you would treat them equally.

Yes, give them the same amount of money and if they don't use it all for the wedding, they can save/spend it as they wish.

You should definitely contribute the same to both. One shouldn’t be penalised for being more financially responsible!

Oh wow. Can’t you treat them similarly????

My husbands father paid nothing towards our wedding (we were both young and students), yet he paid for both his daughters weddings (with a new partner but v similar age to my husband😳😳).

We don’t see them at all, decided it wasn’t worth the hassle with people who were so happy to mistreat us. He’s never met most of our children.

Your choice, but be warned that this is the generation that are less likely to put up with rubbish through bad treatment from their parents and estrangement is (sadly) so common, it’s untrue.

Quite.

Estrangement is nothing new. It just wasn't wrapped up in self righteous justifications in the past and was just labelled 'a falling out'.

I’d have a chat with them.

Treat them the same! Effectively Like punishing your daughter and her partner for having good jobs. If you helped one help the other

It’s not self righteous to expect your father to treat you as well as he does his new replacement children with the woman he got accidentally pregnant at the office while he was still married to your mother and they’d just had a new baby together.
(especially considering that he also spent all the family on money on the new darlings too!)

Why did you reply to me and not the OP?

dear me! You sound a bit troubled to feel the need to pick on someone like that!

Exposing my kids to unfair treatment would be awful, so we chose not to.

Most of the replies on here suggest to treat both daughters the same, so you are in the minority here.

Have a lovely day.

True. And if you helped with baby costs. It used to be parents paid for your wedding if you married from home and most people would definitely not pay for a wedding for a daughter who already had her own family but things change. Is your daughter actually expecting you to pay? I wouldn't be if I were her, but maybe it would be nice to offer something.

I would definitely ask her if she'd like it. She may not.

So people are really old fashioned and pay for daughter's weddings but not son's. I hope you didn't fall out just over the wedding as your FIL was probably expecting your dad to pick up the tab. I think the whole thing is ridiculous but that was the traditional way of doing it.

I think children are now less likely
to put up with it nowadays. I don’t think children are self-righteous. Deciding to distance yourself from your parents isn’t something a child takes lightly, no matter what their age.

I can’t believe this is real. You treat them the same, irrespective of their stage in life.

i also think patents should treat sons and daughters the same. Hate the old fashioned view that you pay for/towards daughters weddings, but not so sons.

Both our sons and their partners were given money deposits to help with buying houses when they got married. The wives parents paid for the weddings I think. I paid for wedding dress, DH paid for morning suits for the men.

From the title, I was going to say "of course not", but from the detail, clearly you need to give a no-strings cash gift, equal to what you spend ten years ago. If you care about being fair, that is.

It won't go as far now, but it doesn't sound like she needs it to.

Yes, this. They may want to put it towards their honeymoon which would be an amazing present too.

You should be giving them the exact same amount.

Give her the money, tell her you want to be fair, and that it's up to her if she wants to use if for the wedding, the honeymoon, or something else.