Bride having affair

[WorthyRoseWriter]

Need advice…I’m organising a hen and have learnt the bride is having an affair, and she’s had previous incidents of cheating on him in the past. Groom is clueless. A mutual friend told me and swore me to secrecy. But I feel sick planning the hen, making all of our friends (working class mums) fork out for this weekend away, take time off work, sort childcare AND cover the cost of the bride knowing this. Plus the wedding is abroad, so we’ll all be paying for that too. Don’t think I’ve got it in me to sit through the ceremony. Quite a few random friends know (none of the hen friends, different group) and even a couple of her relatives. Feel so sorry for him. But if I pull out of everything it will raise so many questions, including from the bride. I’m kind of hoping it all comes to a head and he either finds out or she calls it off but it doesn’t look like that’s happening. I’m not going to be the one to tell him btw. What shall I do :(

Grow a backbone and tell the groom. Imagine how he will feel if he gets married and then finds out half of his friendship group knew she was cheating and let him marry her.

You have to have it out with her. The marriage is doomed and it’s dreadful for all the people who will be paying for a destination wedding and might be struggling to do so. She can’t possibly get married while she’s shagging somebody else. I don’t understand why she’s going through with it. What an absolute shitshow. I would 100% be stepping away from an expensive fake hen do.

Totally agree.

Then you step away knowing you did the right thing and find better friends who don't blame you for their bad news.

Im shocked at how many people say don't tell him

I'd be telling everyone. Fuck her, she's diabolical.

No way I'd sit back and let so many people waste all that money.

I'd rather lose her as a friend than participate in a farce (not to mention wasting everyone's money on a wedding where the vows mean nothing to one of the people getting married). I think the groom-to-be deserves to know, but if you can't bring yourself to tell him, I'd still at least extricate myself from the whole disaster-in-the-making. I'd consider all bridges burnt, at that point, and possibly tell any friends I knew that I thought would care enough to also pull out of plans for the hen or wedding.

You say to the b2b - “It’s been brought to my attention through numerous mutual friends that you’re having an affair. Apparently even some of your family members are aware. I’m afraid this has made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and morally I just can’t continue organising this wedding.”

Groom definitely needs to know before he married this disgusting woman. Step down, tell her why, then tell him anonymously. Yes, it might cause issues but he definitely deserves to know.

I would tell him. I wouldn’t be fussed about the fall out with her either if she decided to kick off about me ruining things.

Was the "swearing to secrecy" done before you were told what it was you were agreeing not to reveal? That's total bullshit and you are not morally bound by it - there is a higher moral duty to the groom. I would tell the bride that you know, and give her the choice of her telling him or you will.

Same.

Personally I'd probably tell her you've heard from multiple people she's cheating on groom and are gossiping about it. That you can't see it not getting back to the groom as everyone else seems to know and people are anxious about putting down so much money for a hen/wedding they can't see happening when he finds out.

I could not continue planning the Hen party, paying for any of it or attending the wedding of someone I knew was cheating.

Even if you told him you can’t guarantee he won’t marry her anyway, plenty of people stay with cheaters or think it’ll be difference once they are married, so I don't think you have anything to gain by staying silent. At least if you tell him it’s up to him to decide. Divorce is far more expensive than calling off a wedding, so then it’s in his court.
You could speak to her, find out more and tell her if she doesn’t tell him then you will. You say you know she’s definitely having an affair, but if that’s just through gossip or second hand knowledge then you want to be really bloody sure before you start blowing lives up.

I agree with the majority. Pull out now before people have paid deposits etcetera. I'd be having the suggested conversation with the bride and messaging the hens to say that you are pulling out and any questions should go to the bride. I am not sure whether it would help to tell the groom but I'd do that too.

Although to be fair it does look like I was wrong. The consensus seems to be that she’s a shit and op should disengage, or tell the groom.

good

Surely you and she are extremely close friends if you are planning the hen do etc - why haven’t you raised it with her?

Not immediately unless they have been cohabiting for a few years. In general, any marriage that lasts 5 years or less (including any period of cohabitation prior to marriage) is viewed as a short marriage. With a short marriage, particularly where there are no children, the courts will generally try to return pre-marital assets to whichever spouse brought them into the marriage.

Whatever her motives for getting married whilst having an affair, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with it and I would try to stop it if I could.

Put on your big girl pants and front it out with the prospective bride, tell her you know about the affair, that it doesn’t sit right with you and you want nothing to do with the Hen or the wedding. Let her find another mug to massage her ego while she shags about. But 9ish speak for yourself….do not involve anyone else, let them make their own decisions. You’ll be quids in and have a clear conscience.

Meet with her alone -

Friend, I thought you should know there’s a lot of talk that you, and X are in a “ intimidate relationship” … I’ve heard from more than one person. They say it’s 100% true. People saying wedding not going ahead.

I’m curious - is the wedding still going ahead?? You can cancel, you should not go ahead if you are with someone else.

Be ready for “open relationship to it’s not true etc etc. to full bridezilla anger.

Just tell her what people are saying

If it’s not the first time she’s been cheating, why is it bothering you now but it didn’t before?

Genuine question because I feel the reason might well give a big clue as to what to do and what to tell the bride.

I think that if you pull out, you’re taking the risk of loosing a friend. So your decision will also depend on how important the friendship is to you. And what you’re happy to compromise on.

I'd tell her to get her shit together. If she couldn't take it, it would be the end of the friendship for me. I've been cheated on twice so I know how messed up the groom will be.

So why is she marrying him in the first instance if she is already having an affair?

How long would it last if they did get married? therefore complete waste of everyone's money, time, effort and friendship.

She is obviously not going to keep her vows as she is breaking them already,

Please someone tell the poor innocent groom very soon

I have someone in my wider family who was cheating on before and after the wedding. The cheater went on to have multiple affairs, before being divorced. Some people think they have a right to cheat and can get away with it. It’s indicative of a wider self important mindset.

Then what ?