Bride having affair

[WorthyRoseWriter]

Need advice…I’m organising a hen and have learnt the bride is having an affair, and she’s had previous incidents of cheating on him in the past. Groom is clueless. A mutual friend told me and swore me to secrecy. But I feel sick planning the hen, making all of our friends (working class mums) fork out for this weekend away, take time off work, sort childcare AND cover the cost of the bride knowing this. Plus the wedding is abroad, so we’ll all be paying for that too. Don’t think I’ve got it in me to sit through the ceremony. Quite a few random friends know (none of the hen friends, different group) and even a couple of her relatives. Feel so sorry for him. But if I pull out of everything it will raise so many questions, including from the bride. I’m kind of hoping it all comes to a head and he either finds out or she calls it off but it doesn’t look like that’s happening. I’m not going to be the one to tell him btw. What shall I do :(

What’s the worse that can happen ? You lose a friend with zero moral compass. Seems like a win to me.

The op can decide what to do when she knows for definite.

No point acting on gossip.

It's probably making you ill knowing this so you need to offload somehow and look after your own mental health and moral compass/boundaries in this.

In your shoes I would step down as moh, tell the groom and then go low/no contact with the cheating friend.

She already does know for definite, she said.

Pull out and tell her exactly why. She doesn’t merit a softly softly approach, say you’re dropping out of the whole thing. She's a terrible friend and quite obviously a terrible bride to be.

This

She said that after my post.

However, given that they are close, she should still speak to the bride and make her decisions based on what the bride says. I can't see how anyone would know for definite unless they witnessed them shagging.

This x 10000

I would pull out and tell her why. I can’t stand people who cheat, I think they are disgusting, if you’re not happy in a relationship leave. The fact that she’s a serial cheater would make me not want to have anything to do with her.

Yes it’s her business but now you know, I would put a lot of distance between us.

i would also tell her that you have no intention of lying if people ask. I wouldn’t automatically volunteer she’s a cheater ( unless I didn’t like her as a rule) but I’d say I’m not comfortable with being part of the wedding when asked and say don’t ask me any more. If asked by the groom I’d absolutely tell him why.

What a difficult dilemma - I would want to tell bride and pull out of all of it even though it means lots of questions will be raised by groom and guests. Do you want her as a friend?

Tell her. If you’re MOH you’re either a relative or best mate. I’d tell her I’m not putting all the effort in for a sham marriage.

You help the groom find out. Morally this is so wrong why is she doing this making him and all these people fork put and even marrying the guy its disgusting i couldn't attend knowing what i know.. he deserves the right to know as previous posters said if it was a woman and the groom was having an affair we would all be screaming out to tell her or help her find out. Disgusted all ur friends are playing along with the wedding knowing what she's at

Why are you still involved with this whole charade?

It will all go tits up sooner or later then it will all have been wasted anyway.

And it's inevitable that the fact you knew all along will come out.

What are your boundaries?

What's your own moral standpoint?

Where do you draw a line, take a stand for doing the right thing?

Poor guy.

How much do you require this woman and her behaviour in your life?

Step away, walk away.

Agree you need to tell her.

It is perfectly fair to say "I cannot comfortably ask people to spend money that they can barely afford to celebrate something that doesn't feel genuine".

She will ask you who told you and you tell her that it's common knowledge. More than one person has told you but you are not prepared to say who they are.

And then I would offer advice along the lines of "If you want out of this marriage, but feel like the whole wedding is running away with you, it's better to pull out now than marry in bad faith". Cheating is no start to a marriage - it makes a mockery of the whole thing.

Maybe you can be the one to encourage her to face her reality and do the right thing.

Do you still want to be friends or just want to not be involved in the wedding?

Step down and tell him. He’s your friend and he needs to know before he marries her. She is too busy having her cake and eating it to do the right thing by him.

Completely understand why you feel the way you do...what a mockery of everyone's time and money to attend her pointless wedding.

However, there's not much you can do or say about it unless you're prepared to weather a shit storm over it, which I certainly wouldn't be. I don't care enough about other people's relationships to put myself through that.

I'd be bitter over the sham I had to partake in though. How arrogant she is.

Her marriage is a farce, You tell her you are dropping out, & won't be going to her hen or her marriage. & if she starts to bitch, tell her that in fact you hold the cards, as you only just stopped from telling her fiancé.
Marriage is ideally for life, to someone you love & respect. She needs to call it off

You can't carry on organising anything for this woman. She is not a nice person, the groom deserves better and you deserve better quality friends. That poor man.

What evidence to you actually have that she’s having an affair other than a friend told you? That’s a pretty big accusation to make.

I came on to type this exact comment! Where has the affair info come from? Your first port of call is to speak to the bride before you start contacting the groom anonymously or pulling out of the wedding!

Tell the groom. Poor bloke. Imagine if that was your brother or son or friend getting married to this wicked individual. You can do it anonymously.

can you explain why you are very concerned about the people in the hen party paying out for a holiday that might not happen, yet you are less concerned about the groom’s entire life being devastated? If they get married and he’s richer than her, she may get his money, or worse she may get pg by him and a baby will be brought into this mess?

"Ooh, RoseWriter - turns out Becky was having an affair before the wedding! Like, even when we were on her hen weekend!"

"Oh. Gosh."

"What? You knew! You knew, didn't you?"

"No, no. I mean, might have suspected..."

"No, you bloody knew! And you didn't tell us, and you organised everything, and you took people's money, and you walked down the aisle with the best man, and you stood there and listened to the vows - even 'if anyone knows a reason' - and you did the speech and you bossed everyone about..."

"What was I supposed to do?"

"You utter shit. You were in on it! You enabled this whole shitshow."

"...well, I consulted Mumsnet, and it was all a bit ambiguous, so..."

"Get out of my sight. I just don't believe this..."

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Of course, you could just lie. Like she's doing.

I think this is actually really the right thing to do - as it’s actually what a good genuine friend would do and you’re helping her find ways to pull out of her wedding.