Bride having affair

[WorthyRoseWriter]

Need advice…I’m organising a hen and have learnt the bride is having an affair, and she’s had previous incidents of cheating on him in the past. Groom is clueless. A mutual friend told me and swore me to secrecy. But I feel sick planning the hen, making all of our friends (working class mums) fork out for this weekend away, take time off work, sort childcare AND cover the cost of the bride knowing this. Plus the wedding is abroad, so we’ll all be paying for that too. Don’t think I’ve got it in me to sit through the ceremony. Quite a few random friends know (none of the hen friends, different group) and even a couple of her relatives. Feel so sorry for him. But if I pull out of everything it will raise so many questions, including from the bride. I’m kind of hoping it all comes to a head and he either finds out or she calls it off but it doesn’t look like that’s happening. I’m not going to be the one to tell him btw. What shall I do :(

This! She’s matron of honour/best friend or whatever to the bride - are people seriously suggesting she blows the wedding up without even talking to her first? What if it turns out to be a vicious rumour?

If it was my friend I would have gone to her the minute I was told about the affair and asked if it was true. If it was, I’d then be encouraging her to tell the groom, and discussing whether the wedding should be going ahead.

Funny how op has only made one comment before disappearing…

I couldn't be friends with this woman, let alone organise her hen party. I would step back from it all, tell the bride why and also tell all the other hens so they can make an informed choice about spending their hard earned cash on a sham.

I would go to the bride say I know you are having an affair. I am stepping down from hen/BM/wedding

goodbye

Ok, so you’re close enough friends that she’s asked you to be MoH, so talk to her. Say, look, I’ve been told this about you and I’ve seen evidence that it’s true. I don’t feel comfortable with this knowledge and even less planning and attending your wedding when none of it is honest or legitimate.

Maybe she’ll sort herself out if she realises that it’s really serious behaviour on her part?

Drop her and tell the groom. Can’t stand cheaters

I find this really hard to believe. You’re organising the hen, so you must be pretty close to the bride for her to let you do that or choose you to do that. It’s normal the bridesmaids or MOH that do this, but you haven’t said that you are either. Doesn’t seem like you are even close as you can’t even ask her about the rumour. Your evidence is a mutual friend telling you this, you have no evidence other than telling us “she’s definitely having an affair” before disappearing and not coming back to comment. Okay, I’m sure this definitely happened 🥱

If this was me, I would confront her and then decide what to do.

If she wants to carry on the affair and still go ahead with the wedding that’s her choice but you don’t want to plan it and spend a fortune on it all.
She’ll have to explain to others why. It’s your choice whether to share with the other hens.

If she wants to end the affair and really wants to get married then she can do that and if she was a close friend I’d have her back but I wouldn’t put myself out and be complicit in helping others spend their cash on the hen/wedding.

Don’t tell the groom. It’s not your circus. But it will be if you go along with it all knowing what you know, your own integrity will be compromised.

you need to talk to your friend. Tell her you know and lots of people know. What does she want to do? If she swears it’s over what would you be comfortable doing?

For me I would quietly withdraw.

Agree with this

I would be tipping him off anonymously, then hopefully all plans cease to go ahead. She’s not worth keeping as a friend, it’s incredibly selfish of her.

What do you do? What you don't do is organise the hen do. If he asks her 'why?' it gives her the chance to do the right thing.

Thanks for all comments. For additional context - I was only told about the additional cheating at the same time as the affair. I’ve only known a couple of days so have just been sat stressing for now. I’m not MOH, she’s not having any bridesmaids, I just offered to plan the hen as we are close friends and have been for a long time, and I knew I was the most organised in the group to do it. I’m not close to the groom btw. Just her. I’ve lived away for most of their relationship. The friend who told me, told me by text out of the blue then swore me to secrecy. Unfortunately I think she’ll have to be done over because I’m going to have to raise this with the bride and step away.

you're doing the right thing raising this with the bride and stepping away. being honest with her is the best way forward. don't waste your time and money on this farce. Stick to your guns. you are in the right here, for you and for everyone else who will be wasting money on this charade.

Please update us when you have spoken with her.

Unfortunately, if you tell the groom, it's likely he won't believe you, and the bride will worm her way out. Why on earth is she marrying this man, if she cheats on the poor bloke constantly?! She clearly doesn't love him. As long as you are absolutely sure she is cheating, then I would tell her that you're not prepared to organise a hen do, or be MOH for her any longer. The friendship will be over at this point, there won't be any going back. Therefore if questions are asked by the other bridesmaids/hen goers, be honest - they then can decide if the want to waste money on the hen do. It's difficult when people know someone is cheating, be it family or friends, it puts people in a horrible situation. The groom deserves much better.

Tell the groom anonymously as PP have suggested.

you don’t have to drop the friend who told you in it, it sounds as if multiple people know so how you found out is irrelevant in terms of your conversation with her. You simply say you know about the affair and go from there

Great advice from @ComtesseDeSpair. why n earth is she marrying him? She clearly doesn’t love him.

Unfortunately I think she’ll have to be done over because I’m going to have to raise this with the bride and step away.

From what you say, lots of people know, so it's always been questionable whether there was any point in swearing you to secrecy.

I couldn't be involved in a sham wedding like this. I would tell the groom because I wouldn't care about keeping her friendship anyway, and I would feel too bad for him if he married her only to find out later with kids and all his assets involved.

I think this is the way to go. Write a kind letter with as much detail as you can including who knows about it.

Autosorted.

If you’re close to the bride, then i’d be telling her you know, ask her if she is sure she wants to get married. If it’s fair to get married. Someone I know was having an affair with a guy who got married, he has continued it straight after honeymoon. Really is awful, and so unfair on all those paying out a lot of money to attend hens and weddings for people who are cheating. I would say you will have to step out of this now you’re aware.

You’re right to feel conflicted. Whether it’s an affair or ENM, if the groom doesn’t know, it’s deception—not consent. You’re being asked to celebrate something that doesn’t sit right, and that’s not fair.
You don’t owe your time, money, or emotional energy to a situation built on secrecy. Step back if you need to—just say family or finances mean you can’t make it. You’re not causing drama; you’re protecting your peace.

I couldn't let all the girls spend money, use holiday time, organise babysitters on a sham marriage. People work hard for their money.

So I'm another one to vote for telling him anonymously or not. I'd want my son to know. He really doesn't deserve this woman.

You need to speak to the brude. If the affair is "definite" then you must have more evidence than a random text from someone. You need to advise her that she shouldn't be getting married if she's having an affair, and she needs to call it off. It's completely out of order to expect people to fork out for a wedding thats built on lies.