Bride having affair

[WorthyRoseWriter]

Need advice…I’m organising a hen and have learnt the bride is having an affair, and she’s had previous incidents of cheating on him in the past. Groom is clueless. A mutual friend told me and swore me to secrecy. But I feel sick planning the hen, making all of our friends (working class mums) fork out for this weekend away, take time off work, sort childcare AND cover the cost of the bride knowing this. Plus the wedding is abroad, so we’ll all be paying for that too. Don’t think I’ve got it in me to sit through the ceremony. Quite a few random friends know (none of the hen friends, different group) and even a couple of her relatives. Feel so sorry for him. But if I pull out of everything it will raise so many questions, including from the bride. I’m kind of hoping it all comes to a head and he either finds out or she calls it off but it doesn’t look like that’s happening. I’m not going to be the one to tell him btw. What shall I do :(

The fiance should be told, it's awful that so many people are complicit in the woman's cheating.
Now you know, surely you won't be spending yourtime and money on a sham destination wedding anyway?

What's wrong with questions being raised?

If this many people know she’s cheating then surely you just say “Beth, everyone knows you’re cheating on Ben, even your sister and your Auntie Sue. You need to tell him, and I’m not helping organising any more of this wedding for you.”

This 100%. She will probably try to deny it but if you’re definitely sure then you can leave her to it with your morals intact. If it raises questions then good, she’s made her own bed. I personally wouldn’t tell the groom unless I was close with him but I wouldn’t be keeping her secrets, taking people’s money or helping to organise a sham wedding

Agree with asking her, then taking it from there.

But I like you would struggle, a lot.

100% this

I would anonymously tell the groom !! That’s unfair how’s so many people know it’s awful poor chap !!! Be a better person and do it !!! Before that have kids x

Presumably she is shagging the groom on false pretexts that she is monogamous to him. Im a woman, I’ve had this done to me by ex partners and the pain of it equates to sexual assault which I have also experienced. Im not saying it’s the same, but I do think in many ways it’s equivalent, in some ways it’s worse because of the betrayal.

I think sexual infidelity is sexual assault in this context, it’s truely disgusting. No advice for you really apart from that your instincts are good and you don’t have to be part of tricking him

Screw that, tell HIM! How would you feel marrying someone and people know for a fact they’re cheating, you would have wished someone told you

Agreed.

I can kind of understand affairs that happen after twenty years of marriage when one party goes off sex, or some other set of vaguely extenuating circumstances. (Not saying I condone it, but you can see how they come about.) But having an affair before you've even walked up the aisle is something else entirely.

Pull out and tell the bride why. Its then up to her what she tells people about your absence. If she's a serial cheat having an affair while planning her own wedding, I expect she's pretty good at thinking on her feet and making excuses, so no doubt she'll explain it away. All you need to do if you're asked is say "Sarah knows my reasons. I'll leave it to her to explain".

This!!!! Perfect!

It's very unfair on groom because once married, won't she be entitled to half his pensions and assets?

I wouldn't tell anybody anything. The messenger always gets shot. But I would make a cast iron excuse and bow out of the whole pantomime. I don't see why can't. You surely don't want to remain best buddies with the bride, so what have you got to lose?

A friend of mine in your shoes dropped out. It’s disingenuous not to. It sparked a rethink. The wedding was called off 3 weeks before. A bit of a shocker for older relatives, but definitely the right outcome.

I’d send the groom an anonymous letter telling him. This is a really shitty thing to do, im
not sure I could be friends with someone like that and go through the pretence and expense of all this.

Drop out of the wedding now. You're just going to feel worse as the wedding gets closer.

Exactly, the usual MN double standards! If she is certain of the affair then she should tell the potential groom, he doesn't deserve to be made a fool of on the altar of sisterhood!

and if people do as threads on here prove how often does the person get dismissed as jealous etc

Maybe that's what the bride's thinking!

assuming it goes as planned rather than fallout etc

As other’s have suggested, you’re a close enough friend to plan a hen do so I would just ask her directly. I would then explain that you feel uncomfortable being part of the wedding so you are stepping down for planning any activities and attending the wedding. If people ask why then you can direct their questions to the bride.

This happened to a friend of my husbands the bride was snagging a workmate she still went through with her Hen Do at a fancy spa and then a castle wedding. Don't organise anything else she is taking the piss, her poor fiancé.

How long until the wedding? Is everything booked?

Generally I'm of the view of keep out of things like this, but in this situation where there's costs involved and planning etc that you are very much a part of, I think its 100% OK to have an honest conversation with the bride about it.