Bride having affair

[WorthyRoseWriter]

Need advice…I’m organising a hen and have learnt the bride is having an affair, and she’s had previous incidents of cheating on him in the past. Groom is clueless. A mutual friend told me and swore me to secrecy. But I feel sick planning the hen, making all of our friends (working class mums) fork out for this weekend away, take time off work, sort childcare AND cover the cost of the bride knowing this. Plus the wedding is abroad, so we’ll all be paying for that too. Don’t think I’ve got it in me to sit through the ceremony. Quite a few random friends know (none of the hen friends, different group) and even a couple of her relatives. Feel so sorry for him. But if I pull out of everything it will raise so many questions, including from the bride. I’m kind of hoping it all comes to a head and he either finds out or she calls it off but it doesn’t look like that’s happening. I’m not going to be the one to tell him btw. What shall I do :(

Ffs. Italy has nearly 70% divorce rate, I wouldn’t take advice from a nation that’s frankly made a joke of marriage.

Ask yourself this;
Would you want to know if your partner was cheating ?

I certainly would

Invite the couple to a dinner then spill the beans over the table. You owe it to both people to have this come to a head way before any nuptials. These demons must come out of that relationship one way or another. Doing and saying nothing is as bad as she is.

Just interrupt the wedding. When they ask "speak now or forever hold your peace", stand up and announce it. I've never seen or heard of that actually happening in real life, only in movies and on TV.

Were they his?

Sorry OP, this is a terrible situation. If you don’t want to confront her or tell him, make up some other very strong reason why you can’t attend and drop out.

@Anchi Two wrongs never make a right. To OP: In Maltese we say 'he who places himself between an onion and its skin will get tainted with the smell'. You are preparing something that requires honesty, and you know there is something dishonest going on. Is it worth the bother [and the expense]?

I would pull out and tell her why. Really not fair of her to put you in this position, and waste everyones money on a marriage thats clearly not going to last. My friend was having an affair and asked me to invite the other guy to a BBQ I was having. Her husband ( who i didn't particularly like) was coming and I said no its not right. Sort your life out. She left her husband eventually (it was not going to last) but the fling didnt last either. I am still friends with her but will not compromise my values.

The thread reminds me of wonderful lecture given by Alain De Botton at the Sydney Opera house where he explains that romantic love is a myth created by 19th century poets and perpetrated by society, in this context infidelity is seen as a tragedy.
It may be that the bride and groom have some kind of polyamorous relationship, participants in the thread are making judgements based on the 19th century myth of romantic love. What the bride and groom do is actually nothing to do with anyone else.
However, as others have said it would be a good idea to have a chat with the bride and voice concerns that her choice to sleep with other people (we didn't know if the other person is male or female) is counter to your own values and ask if she wants to talk about it. If she says no, that's her choice, you might not be such a great friend after all, but you could explain that you are uncomfortable with the situation.
From a psychological perspective, it is not usually a character flaw to be in a relationship with someone and sleep with other people, it's usually that the relationship isn't meeting the needs of the person who is being "unfaithful" and if there is no polyamorous agreement between the bride and groom, the bride might need to rethink who she is deciding to marry.

Not sure what I am doing here as a guy - will block this website popping out for me, anyway -

As a guy, you have the opportunity to save future children and this man from up to 20 years of trauma. It is going to come out somehow, and there will be probably kids involved in the future, nasty divorce and lives significantly damaged. If I was the guy I would really wish somebody left me an anynomous note or something.

Honestly? I wouldn't want to be friends with her anyhow? She's planning a wedding & having an affair ffs!

When the officiant asks-
“If anyone knows any reason why this couple should not be joined in marriage, speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

The brides backside will be making buttons! As will half of the congregation because that information will spread.

You have 3 choices -
• Keep quiet, very hard, you'll question your own integrity & feel shitty.
• Tell her you know, especially if your MoH, tell her lots of people know & are talking about it.
• Tell either him, his best man or his loved ones? Personally I'd do it in an anonymous way, the whole thing will implode then?

She's a shitty person, distance yourself because that'll also affect how people see you.

If the poor unsuspecting groom were my brother, son or grandson I'd like someone to let him know beforehand... somehow.

If I were the OP I'd tell the blushing bride why I'm dropping out in the hope that she calls off this sham ceremony.

Tell her you've been told she's having an affair. Watch her reaction.

If it's obviously true, you might feel able to tell the groom, or tell the best man (unless of course it's him).

I keep thinking that poor man. If it's true I doubt it's a poly thing. Imagine him finding out years later after there are kids, a home breaking up. And him learning that you knew.

You may not be the maid of honour - but the honourable thing to do is to let him decide what happens to him next. Not her.

I think @Adamxxx has a valid opinion.

I'd be explaining to the bride what I know, ask if it is true and await her response. You'll know if she's hiding the truth or not.

Then step away, declining to be a part to the deception you are now aware of. Your integrity is your business. To know others are also aware makes the situation more sad.

Man or woman, no one deserves to be made a fool of in their relationships particularly ones about to enter into a marriage.

I feel for the fellow and would not want to be a hypocrite by trying to support him after the marriage had broken down and provide him with platitudes afterwards, all the while knowing what he was getting into.

Check your facts. The divorce rate in Italy is around 40% Italy has one of the lowest marriage rates in the EU and divorces per 1,000 people are 1.4 which is about average. Most developed countries including the UK and USA have a divorce rate of around 40-50%. Average duration of marriage is 12.8 years. I've met a lot of people that tell me they were married 20 years but the relationship wasn't working for the last 10.
There are a lot of folks making assumptions about the bride without knowing any facts which I think it's unfair. A lot of what we believe about relationships and peoples behaviour are based upon a lot of misinformation and traditions. People can be in unhappy relationships and project their unhappiness onto others particularly in threads like this. It's important to be objective. The way we think is massively influenced by the culture around us and unless we are really careful we can easily find ourselves losing our ability to think for ourselves.

I would speak to her, you never know he might be aware and it is the way they roll. Without that conversation you may be walking away from something that everyone is content with and you will be the bad guy.

Only just seen this, maybe some1 has mentioned this b4 so delete if wish.
Maybe this is ‘some sort’ of marriage of convenience?
ie. 1) wants UK nationality, or
2) won’t inherit from a particular relative unless married?
etc., etc..

Think I would still offer her the hand of friendship, as she is obviously in a mess, but clearly suggest she is not ready for marriage, and that for everyone's sake call it off or postpone. Also be friendly but don't go along with the plans in any way, shape or form. Wish you well🙏

Your choice is going on with the charade, knowing that the bride probably has no intention of not cuckolding the husband, or - not.

What you have to realise is that you have done nothing wrong. Stepping down because you are not prepared to cover for her, this is her fault & not yours. It's the only decent thing to do.

How awful. I'd be out. I'd decline to be involved any longer and if the bride wanted to know why I'd tell her (quietly) that I know about the affair and I can't support her getting married in these circumstances. There's no benefit to putting either of these people through any more pain and trouble. Yes there will be a fall out now if the groom finds out she's cheating, but it will be even worse if they go on to have children and she carries on cheating.

I once went on a hen weekend and the bride cheated on the weekend away.... I then declined to go to the wedding but gave no specific reason, and as I wasn't asked why by either bride or groom I didn't elaborate. They got married, had a child, and then the marriage fell apart after a few years because guess what? The husband found out the wife was having an affair with one of their best friends (which broke up both marriages, both with children involved, and all of the children involved had a terrible few years as a result). If she can't be faithful in the run up to the wedding the marriage has no chance and I couldn't support it.

Just step down.

Don't tell the groom. You won't be thanked for it, somehow you'll end up being the one hated by everyone.

How difficult it must be for you. Imagine from the groom's perspective, if you were in his place would you want to know what the maid of honor knows? How would you feel being in that position? Hope it all works out for all concerned

Nope, not worth it. Everyone ends up hating you for it, just stay out of it. It's the brides problem and theirs only.

The poor groom needs to know before the wedding. It’s despicable that she’s cuckolding him .
At least he won’t have the embarrassment of going through a sham of a wedding.

I agree. 100%.