Bride having affair

[WorthyRoseWriter]

Need advice…I’m organising a hen and have learnt the bride is having an affair, and she’s had previous incidents of cheating on him in the past. Groom is clueless. A mutual friend told me and swore me to secrecy. But I feel sick planning the hen, making all of our friends (working class mums) fork out for this weekend away, take time off work, sort childcare AND cover the cost of the bride knowing this. Plus the wedding is abroad, so we’ll all be paying for that too. Don’t think I’ve got it in me to sit through the ceremony. Quite a few random friends know (none of the hen friends, different group) and even a couple of her relatives. Feel so sorry for him. But if I pull out of everything it will raise so many questions, including from the bride. I’m kind of hoping it all comes to a head and he either finds out or she calls it off but it doesn’t look like that’s happening. I’m not going to be the one to tell him btw. What shall I do :(

Someone needs to tell him. I can’t believe that many people know and haven’t told him, including his own family! I think it’s wrong of your friend to swear you to secrecy.
It would be best if she told him so maybe give her an ultimatum - either she tells him, or you will. If you feel you can’t organise the hen, then don’t. Have it out with her and say you can’t do this anymore and she needs to fess up with her H2B. And if you don’t, you will. She clearly has form and she doesn’t care. Not really the sort of friend anyone needs so if it’s the end of the friendship, so be it. It doesn’t matter that you pulling out will look bad. She needs this wake up call.

Years ago, I had a young lad in his 20s working for me who was getting married, and he’d already been divorced once (in fact, his divorce was finalised weeks before the wedding). His fiancée went on her hen do 3 weeks before the wedding and went missing for 10 days. When she came back, she wouldn’t say where she’d been or why.

The wedding went ahead but they split up on their honeymoon. Complete and utter waste of time, money, and emotional investment by all concerned.

My final thought- what if the H2B finds out that you knew and said nothing? I’m not sure id feel great about that, especially if the wedding goes ahead and they split up shortly after. He may resent the people who chose to stay silent.

I'd tell the groom. I wouldn't want to stay friends with her anyway.

I haven’t read the whole thread (sorry), but I’m not clear on why you don’t want to tell her fiancé. If you’re one of her best friends you must know him pretty well?! All my best friends know and like my husband and tbh if I was having an affair (I’m not!), I’d fully expect them to tell him. And probably tell me they were going to tell him….but definitely tell him.
I don’t really understand why she is still getting married tbh but I often don’t understand other people’s behaviour!

Oh, sweetheart, no wonder you felt sick to your stomach! This is a horrible thing for you to be faced with.

ASAP talk with the bride! She has to know that people know what's been going on! Tell her how this has made you feel.

If I were in your position, I would explain that you cannot be party to deception. Withdraw from the hen do and the wedding. Tell her that she must tell her fiancé or you will. Then do that, as kindly as you can. He will most likely not believe you. Direct him to his bride for details.

You poor love, having this feeling gnawing at you. Be strong, courageous, and honest. You may lose a friend but you'll gain integrity and wisdom.

Was the bride 'S' in a city also starting with S? If not then there is more of this type of audacious behaviour than one would think. I was on the periphery of this situation, only knew the bride as a friend of a friend, but if I'd been more involved I would have told the groom. It destroyed his life for a fair period of time and it was well known by many and nobody told him for whatever reason(s).

I'd let him know anonymously and let the chips fall as they may knowing he's been told. Of course lots could happen but you'd have done what you'd presumably hope someone would do for you. Not a criticism of you, I understand the difficulty, but what I would do.

I couldn’t do it either so I would have to sit her down and tell her various people know, and they all know it’s not a one off so??? I think she’s better to come clean to this poor groom to be before he finds out. It’s not IF it’s WHEN and it will happen….I’ve seen it happen and it’s bad enough seeing people fork out £££ for a wedding and then even more ££££ for a divorce! She needs to fess up before someone outs her, how has she got away with it so far? I maybe wrong but if it’s no secret and various people know it sounds like she doesn’t care or thinks she can get away with it….silly selfish woman.

Spot on! If it was me I would want to know, it’s far worse know people knew but didn’t say anything. Poor guy

If you pull out, and the bride asks, tell her she knows what she's done to make you back out. If you don't back out now, you'll be in too deep. Tell the to find another cat's paw, because if you continue, you are condoning her behaviour. Or you can lie and say you don't feel up to it.

Are you actually friends with the bride or did you get roped into planning a hen do for an acquaintance? Sounds like the latter to me. If my best friend was having a wedding (which is the only scenario under which I can conceive of my planning someone’s hen do) then I would certainly be able to talk to her about the cheating and advise her against it. And if she decided not to listen to my advice, then I would still plan the hen and go to the wedding because she’s my best friend. I wouldn’t dump her or tell the fiancé, that would be some shallow friendship right there.

I can’t believe how judgemental everyone on this thread is. I’ve never cheated on anyone and I’ve been cheated on so I know it’s painful, but you’re all acting like she killed his mother or something. You also talk about double standards but I can guarantee you if a groom was cheating on his bride there’s no way his best man who’s organising the stag do would tell the bride or pull out of the wedding (regardless of how much he may or may not approve of the behaviour).

In Italy we say - tra moglie e marito non mettere un dito - Don’t come between husband and wife.

or

Dio li fa e poi li accoppia - God makes them and then matches them.

so … just have fun and don’t get involved

I feel for you, I have been in a similar situation in the past when I found out my best friend's wife was cheating with a friend of his.

I have her the chance to tell him, and she wouldn't, so I did.

I don't regret doing it, we are still best friends, and I am still friends with her. She admitted she didn't have the guts to tell him and understood why I did it.

It isn't fair on the groom. Put yourself in his shoes and ask if you'd be upset that people knew but let you go ahead with the wedding without telling you and giving him the chance to back out.

At the very least there's no way I'm be making any plans or attending and I'd be telling the bride why.

Wrong! If I was best man I’d tell the fiance.

Being cheated on, people knowing and only telling you they know after the cheater has been found out is soul destroying. Tell him, it’s the only decent thing to do… it’s too cruel not to.

Is it definitely an affair or a close friendship? I would confront her, not in a judgmental way, but to see if she is making the right choice.

I would tell her to cancel the wedding. Tell her she obviously doesn’t love this guy, so save the fuss and cost of getting a divorce down the road.

They aren't husband and wife.

You are so wrong. Because she is your friend you would go through with it? That is pretty shampoo on your part. What about the boyfriend? You don’t care about him. That is cold

What a horrible situation your in! Tbh I couldn't carry on organising things and surely if she was a proper friend too you she wouldn't expect you too and she'd respect your wishes if you stepped down. I'd tell her why and say surely you don't expect people too pay their hard earned money too attend a wedding that literally means fuck all too her!

No and no, i didn't know till after.

Tell her you know about her affair, you're not going to be her MoH or take anymore to do with the wedding or the hen do. If anyone asks why you pulled out, tell them the truth. It's her problem, not yours.

It’s nothing to do with judgement regarding the affair, but if she’s cheated before and she’s cheating again, you would question why she’s getting married. It’s a lot of money to spend on a relationship you’re not fully committed to and once you’re in it, it costs even more to get out of it. If she splits up with him while single, they just have to sort out things like moving out and possibly a property sale, but a divorce is a whole new level of complication.
Also, if it were me, I’d want to be told that the person I was going to marry is having an affair. Especially if it’s not the first time. Obviously we don’t know what’s happened here, and whether he knew about before, whether she’s promised not to do it again, etc. If he didn’t know, the problem is he thinks she’s fully committed when she isn’t. If he did know and she’s promised not to do it again, that’s yet another betrayal of his trust in her. Not sure either is a great basis for a marriage.

Honestly if it’s true then I wouldn’t be tip toeing around her. I’d tell her that you know what’s going on and you’re furious that you’ve been wasting your time and money on something that she clearly has no respect for. Marriage, her fiancé, her friends and family and essentially herself. Where the hell is her head? People are spending money on her hen, big day, child care, clothes, taking time off work etc and she’s running around having her cake and eating it too like she’s in a soap opera? She is no where near ready for a marriage! This clown isn’t even ready to commit to a boyfriend! She’s not even ready for friends! Your only concern should be protecting everyone involved from being dragged into this. You don’t deserve to be in this position but this is where she’s put you. Honestly I’d make her wish her fiance found out before you!

It’s not a question of whether bride is cheating. It’s a question of values. Bride and OP have vastly different values. My advice is to walk away from the friendship. If OP is not ready to end friendship, then go have an AMAZING HOLIDAY with your girl friends and don’t think/worry about your values.

I had similar to this happened with me. It was workplace knowledge that the Bride to Be was having an affair with 1 of the managers and I worked with the Groom To Be!! He was a Lovely Bloke Too (wanted to Marry before his Mum passed from Cancer, which made it an even worse situation). I made an excuse for not going to the couple. Couldn't Face It. Sad thing was, he found out about the affair when he came back after Honeymoon and was So Upset Noone had told him!?! and the Marriage was Annulled.(His Mum passed 2 weeks after too. A Real Mess!!

What would you want to happen if you were him and you were about to marry someone taking you for a total fool.

Do you want to be friends with someone who is capable of this level of deceit.

My heart breaks for the groom. Poor lad.