Bride having affair

[WorthyRoseWriter]

Need advice…I’m organising a hen and have learnt the bride is having an affair, and she’s had previous incidents of cheating on him in the past. Groom is clueless. A mutual friend told me and swore me to secrecy. But I feel sick planning the hen, making all of our friends (working class mums) fork out for this weekend away, take time off work, sort childcare AND cover the cost of the bride knowing this. Plus the wedding is abroad, so we’ll all be paying for that too. Don’t think I’ve got it in me to sit through the ceremony. Quite a few random friends know (none of the hen friends, different group) and even a couple of her relatives. Feel so sorry for him. But if I pull out of everything it will raise so many questions, including from the bride. I’m kind of hoping it all comes to a head and he either finds out or she calls it off but it doesn’t look like that’s happening. I’m not going to be the one to tell him btw. What shall I do :(

If lots of other folk know and you don’t then makes me think she is not as close to you as you think. As MOH she is either using you and your skills to organise a great party for her but doesn’t trust you as much as other to keep secrets like her cheating. Or she knows exactly what you would think if you were ever to find out at any time and she would lose you as a friend cos you have actual morals, and you may tell the fiance, so either way she’s relying on you not to ever find out which shows you are
not as good friends as you think you are. Sorry op x

I would definitely ask the bride about it and tell her it doesn’t sit right with you organising a Hen with people’s hard earned money. Depending on how close the you areI would also advise her to call off the wedding now if she’s going to carry on with the affair better now than after the wedding ! The poor groom

Is there anyone who can tell the groom (or even his family or the best man)? He needs to know before the wedding that he’s marrying a tramp, not be the last to know when it’s too late.

It’s good that you are not going to be the one to tell him. That’s the bride’s job.
Don’t tell anybody anything until you have spoken and agreed a course of action with the bride. Give her a chance to do the right thing.

Ask her if she knows that people are talking about her cheating betrayal of her fiancée. Ask her how it’s possible that she appears not to be expecting an imminent disaster when he finds out, and what sort of help she might now be requiring from you.

Be clear about what sort of outcome you expect and prefer. and be very clear about your own values, particularly with regard to being asked to witness a sham wedding.

If she asks you to play it down and deny it, tell her that no you won’t be doing that and in fact your only course of action in that case is to pull out of the hen and to tell her you won’t be attending such a wedding. Urge her to tell the groom before anybody else does.

If she asks you for help in calling the wedding off then set about obtaining lists of all contacts to cancel as much as you can. Agree a simple basic reason for the cancelled wedding in order to explain to guests. Eg there’s been a change of heart OR the bride and groom need more time OR I’ve simply been asked to help call the wedding off for now, I know no more than you do.

If she promises to tell her fiancée but she still expects the wedding to go ahead, urge her to postpone and tell her that you will be advising the other hens to try to recoup any travel costs etc.

It could be that she is desperate for you to confront her and help her tell people the wedding is off.

I mean I don't think I'd want a friend with the morals of an alley cat and for that reason, I'd be dropping out of the maid of honour role. And put the friendship on a slow fade.

Just to add on for support OP the bride has not even remotely got a leg to stand on if she calls out or gets annoyed at u or the person who told u. I would make it out like lots of ppl know there's loads of gossip amongst all her friends to protect the original person who told u. I wouldn't be friends with this type of person anyway

I’d refuse the invite and tell her why, I wouldn’t want to even continue a friendship with her. I’ve never been in this situation but my gut’s telling me that I’d tell her partner.

Look at it this way - you’re spending (a considerable amounts) money on a wedding that probably won’t last.
Step away.
Save your money.

Definitely make sure he knows so he has a choice whether to go through with the wedding. Once married they are both entitled to the others assets in the event of a divorce and he could be saved a lot of heartache and money.

Have a word with the bride. If it’s true, withdraw from the event. You don’t owe an explaination

I think it would be massively unfair on the groom not to tell him.
It's someone's life at stake here - awkwardness can't be a factor. Tell him and let him decide.

Totally agree if it was the groom he would be crucified. Disgusting behaviour, why does she want to get married for, his money ?

I couldn’t let her deceive everyone like that

Send him an anonymous letter

Did the marriage last?

Oh no under a year and .they separated.

I’d be as honest and trustworthy as you can.

First, warn the friend who told you of the affair that you’ll have to tell the bride you know, as you no longer wish attend the wedding or organise the hen, but you won’t divulge who told you.

Second, tell the bride you know and, on that basis, you don’t feel you can attend the wedding or organise the hen. Because the wedding is a sham and to attend it would make you feel uncomfortable.

If the bride asks who told you, say you don’t wish to say, as you were told in strict confidence and you don’t want to betray trust.

Assure the bride you won’t tell anyone else. Honour that. Don’t tell anyone else or gossip with anyone who already knows. Keep well out of it.

If other people ask about the hen/wedding, tell them you’re no longer able to attend the wedding or organise the hen. If they ask why, say it’s for personal reasons you don’t want to discuss.

Yes I agree,then it’s up to him what he decides.

What is wrong with people these days? Why get married if you don't like the person.... I agree totally OP, I'd give it all a wide berth and tell her why.

No it isn't... it would then be a case of 'shoot the messenger'!

What an absolute farce: poor groom.
What an awful position to be in.

Possibly say to the bride-to-be, if you don't tell him I will!

But, do you really want to be part of something that will become public knowledge at some point?

It's a spectacularly shit thing to do.

An anonomous letter or message he can't reply to, or ask questions about. He will be looking at everyone in his life wondering if they sent it, and if it was out of spite or if its true.

Anonomous messages like that are entirely about the sender relieving their guilt at knowing, and not about the recipient at all.

If op wants to share this information with the groom the kindest way to do it is face to face and give him the opportunity to reply and ask questions.

Ugh, I'd give all this a massive swerve, I don't want to be the affair police. I think I'd decide to assume that the person who told me has a quirky sense of humour and just carry on regardless.

Tell her if she doesn't tell him exactly what she's doing, you will

Totally agree. It's not going to end well for anyone involved.

Why though? It's not her problem, she doesn't need to stick her beak in and the bride is her friend, not the groom.