Would you assume we are uninvited?

[clouds87]

DP and I recieved a 'save the evening' card ages ago (possible as far back as last year) its 1.5 - 2 hr drive so DP booked a hotel for the night.
The groom isnt a close friend of his - he was someone DP saw every so often through a interest/work, I know him to say hi and we've both met the bride once (at another wedding).

Just realised the invite doesnt have a time on it! DP has sent a message politely asking if there is a gift list but had no reply, they havent had contact for a long time (groom left the interest they knew each other through)

Obviously we cant turn up with no time, but what would you do? Try calling them next week if we havent heard? Then if no answer dont go? We dont know anyone else going and as we dont use facebook etc not sure what else to do.

I wonder if as DP and groom havent been in touch for a long time thats why they havent let us know so we might be uninvited, which I completly understand - but would like to cancel the hotel and get the money back if so ...

Thanks!

Given OPs comment about how much her DH and the groom have drifted it makes sense for them not to follow the save the date with an invite. At the time of the save the date they saw much more of each other.

Thank you for understanding. DP isn’t the same person who he was - 12 years of working in a psychiatric hospital has
affected him massively - so I do really hope this doesn’t push him back to the progress he has made.

That aside I agree with men’s friendships but I guess men and women’s are so different and we are more emotional to connect better?

Sorry off track 😑

Evening invites could go out fairly late for a wedding so best to check.

But also as the groom deserves to feel shitty and squirm!

A save the date for the evening seems double rude. Already decided way in advance you are evening only but think they are so important to you that you'd save that time for just an evening!

Just an update if anyone is bothered 😂 DP left groom a voicemail, he had a text back replying how he was (ok) but nothing was said about the wedding.

Now out of sheer politeness I would have thought he’d at least have addressed it/apologies/given some sort of reason …

At least we know now!

I agree that you should go for a mini break, it will still be great to be able to get away for a bit.

Wow…. The rudeness of the groom 😳😳😱

It's hard. Generalising a bit but I feel like women will at least sometimes talk about the emotional side, "I feel like we've been drifting" and men don't seem to. How on earth is anyone supposed to know where they stand?

My own DH doesn't have the same mental health history but he's struggling with this too. Uni friends drifting, he can't go on mat leave and make friends like I did. We've not had much luck joining groups. I honestly don't know what to suggest for men in these situations.

I'd be tempted to see what can be done with the hotel booking. Would they let you transfer it to a date or place you prefer?

Did the voice mail specifically ask about the wedding?

The problem is that the save the date card implied they’d be invited and as a result they booked a hotel.

@295bkq - yes, 'implied' but didn't guarantee. I imagine most people making a hotel booking so far in advance would make a flexible booking?

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a wedding invitation to follow a save the date.

I think so

If your DH hadn't specifically mentioned the wedding I'd say the groom just assumes you know that due to drifting you didn't get invited in the end. But if DH did mention it then the groom is just being really rude.

Op didn't get a 'save the date' she got a 'save the evening' which is basically a casual invite to the evening part of the wedding reception. It's a bizarre thing to do, sending an actual evening invitation at the time the other invites went out would have been far better. I wouldn't make any effort to book hotels or travel for a casual evening invitation in the first place.

I agree with that. I'm one of those who believe evening only should just be for locals. I'm also one of those who wouldn't go to a wedding where I didn't know any other guests as well.

OP does your DH in general let people treat him like crap as I think this was a bit of a crap deal even with the evening invitation materialising.

Happened to my DD last year, got a save the date, miles away from where anyone lived so she booked a hotel for the weekend. Still no confirmation so she contacted them. Turns out the bride and groom got so cheesed off with all the family politics, they went to Gretna Green on their own!

Your uninvited so cancel the hotel

Go the hotel and make a nice brake away have a bit of happy fun couple time instead 😉

He can do.. he is to kind hearted for his own good and peope have used him in the past. unfortunately he had family issues when he was in his twenties,
(nothing his fault) but he lost all of his close friends then, and he distanced himself from his family but he never really gained many close friends again

It's hard having to make new friends from almost nothing. I wouldn't go as far as to say that you have to be ruthless about it but I do think that you have to be careful not to waste too much time and energy on the wrong people.

I think it's wrong - pretty rude to ask someone to save the date then not actually invite them.

I think your right. I have to say a couple of my closest friends now I met through work. Which some people don’t like to mix but I guess it’s also lucky who you end up with as colleagues
any off topic again - looking forward to the weekend again!

I'm aghast if they do! Christ I know society has got ruder and a lot of etiquette has fallen to 'you do you and fuck everyone else' but surely people realise that's breathtakingly rude, unless there's some sort of extenuating circumstance (like a phone call to say 'we're so sorry, our circumstances have changed and we've really had to scale back the wedding from our original plans' or some such).

We sent save the date messages to absolute essentials (family, very close friends, those who don't live locally) who were 100% getting an invite. We finalised and sent invites about 3 months ahead for others.

A Save the Date without a follow-up invitation is a very curious business! Why on earth would you ask someone to save the date if you weren't going to invite them? It seems extremely rude.

That said, if you haven't received a concrete invitation and have had no response to your queries, I think you can take it that you're not invited (or, as others have said, they've broken up and failed to tell you!).

Keep the hotel booking and go away for a nice mini-break with your DH.

A save the date isn't an invitation so you weren't in the end invited