Would you assume we are uninvited?

[clouds87]

DP and I recieved a 'save the evening' card ages ago (possible as far back as last year) its 1.5 - 2 hr drive so DP booked a hotel for the night.
The groom isnt a close friend of his - he was someone DP saw every so often through a interest/work, I know him to say hi and we've both met the bride once (at another wedding).

Just realised the invite doesnt have a time on it! DP has sent a message politely asking if there is a gift list but had no reply, they havent had contact for a long time (groom left the interest they knew each other through)

Obviously we cant turn up with no time, but what would you do? Try calling them next week if we havent heard? Then if no answer dont go? We dont know anyone else going and as we dont use facebook etc not sure what else to do.

I wonder if as DP and groom havent been in touch for a long time thats why they havent let us know so we might be uninvited, which I completly understand - but would like to cancel the hotel and get the money back if so ...

Thanks!

You haven’t been uninvited, you haven’t been invited at all.

Id go away for the night anyway - an overnight away and a chance to explore the area /city/town, wherever it is.

lesson learnt I guess that save the date invites mean different things to different people

Op, honestly, only in Cheekyfuckerland would ‘save the date’ mean ‘save the date…in case we invite you’! You should definitely have expected an invitation. Either they’ve split up or they’re just pig-ignorant.

I agree - it’s rude of them to send you a save the date and then not invite you - they’ve basically wasted your time and stopped you from booking anything else in. If the hotel is somewhere you want to go then go away as a mini break, or cancel it and try and get a last minute deal somewhere else for the weekend ☺️

Well, clearly that is what he is checking.

I don't know about where you live, but post has been dire here for some years. Absolutely feasible that anything posted hasn't arrived.

But that aside, if someone has behaved so badly as to have sent a save the date to someone then not invited them, they actually deserve to be made to squirm a little bit, and be reminded people will probably have made arrangements on receiving the Save the Date.

Evening guests don't need Save the Dates. I mean, I don't think anyone does - you check the really crucial people can be there before you book, and tell the other people you really want there, once you've booked. But I am aware the wedding industry has created the idea that you really must send them and people have been taken in by that. But surely they are just for the people you really want to spend the day with you, not colleagues / team mates / people from hobby groups that you would like to join you for a party if they can but aren't really crucial to your day.

Oh yeah, techincally that may be true.

Wedddings aren’t all about the people getting wed. They are a public display of marriage. For many people the cost of attending maybe a third to a half of their annual holiday budget. Or more. It’s so rude to ask people to block their time out and make plans, and then fade them out later down the line, especially if they have to travel to attend, and stay over.

Gosh I'd urge him to just leave it now! 😳

He's already messaged and had no reply.

A save the evening note isn't an invitation. It was received months ago from a distant acquaintance (whom your husband never saw regularly, and hasn't seen in a long time). I'd assume the guest list has been finalised (revised/trimmed); they're not likely to send out an 'actually don't bother saving the date' note to those who didn't make the final cut! Yes it could be considered poor form, but entitlement/lack of consideration has become de rigueur with brides and grooms! I'd be delighted not to have made the final cut 😂
Sorry OP, but I'm honestly cringing at the thought of the guy answering and being entirely on the spot, and feeling forced to formally invite you 🙈

Oh gawd @clouds87 Don't contact them again. Tell your DH to leave it.

I'd let him ring if he is happy to. Sending a save the date card and then not following it up is very rude. Let them squirm!

I can’t believe someone would send a save the date then no actual invitation. That is SO rude.

But at this point I’d also be wondering so maybe just give them a phone. Don’t feel like you did anything wrong!

It seems rude to send save a dates to people you'll then in fact exclude from the event. That to me is very poor form. If they didn't want you there why send it? Even if it's financial you could just be invited to a paid bar?
It's clear there's no point in trying to get in touch. If you can't get a refund on the hotel just go there anyway. There must be a few decent things in the local area to occupy you for a day? If it turns out there was a 'misunderstanding' and they want you there then you could go for a couple of drinks if you're feeling generous as you'll be there anyway.

save the date is a ‘you are invited, we just haven’t worked out the date and venue yet’. Anything else is mind bogglingly rude.

Sorry for the late reply ☺️ DP wants to call
once, in his mind with work/last few weeks wedding planning the groom might have forgotten to reply to his message. Interesting thoughts from everyone though. It’s near Clacton if anyone does know the best things to do there - don’t know that area!

Save the date is an intention to invite and incredibly rude to send unless you follow up with details.

It must be an oversight and they haven’t forwarded your invite. I can’t believe anyone would invite a guest, and allow them to book a hotel due to distance and NOT invite them, it’s unthinkable!

Your dh is right to follow up properly.

This.

Sorry to hear about your DHs mental health struggles and it's great that he's feeling more up to socialising. I hope that this shabby treatment isn't going to be a set-back. Mens friendships seem even more difficult if you ask me.

I agree with PP, it sounds like you're not invited. It's a cliché but I hope at least a definite phone call gives your DH closure. If he wants to be more social I don't think that this person is someone to waste time on.

Yes I think this is rude. I can understand budget may have been cut etc but I'd expect them to send something out to say really sorry, we're not able to have the number of guests we'd wanted.

Good on your dh to follow up I say.

“Save the dates” mean ‘we are going to invite you to our event. We know the date but not all the details yet.’They don’t mean ‘save the date in case we invite you.’

If there’s only a month until the wedding and you haven’t received an invite then you haven’t been invited. People tend to send invites with much more notice than a month because they need to confirm numbers etc.
Whilst it is rude to send a save the date then not invite there could be a number of reasons like the fact they have lost touch (I wouldn’t spend money on you especially if limited numbers, I’d rather have people that are present in my day to day life), money issue, split up. I think considering the fact you said it had crossed your mind they could of split up but aren’t even close enough to know if that would of happened I’d just start to cancel your hotel now or use it for a mini break

I really wouldn't. You've been "Ghosted" in a spectacularly shitty way.

I wouldn’t want to go anyway. I’d think sod ‘em, but that’s me.
Just cancel the hotel and forget it.

I reckon save the dates should be for the top 25% or so of guests - the ones you really want there. Never for anyone you may cut due to costs, drifting apart etc

That's so very odd and also very rude. Hopefully you can enjoy a night away anyway.

Whatever their reason for not replying, they’ve done you a favour. The wedding of a distant acquaintance and no idea who other guests are sounds like hell. I’d file that one away and never think about it agaib

they havent had contact for a long time (groom left the interest they knew each other through)
former casual acquaintance, I doubt you were ever invited, don't contact them.