Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

Yeah, naah - don't get married hun, a lifetime of compromise is not for you.

My Dad and stepmum did this to me. I was early 20's and her daughter the same age but the message was clear and it hurt. The theme has continued over the years with different levels of interest in the grandchildren from each side and effort taken in meeting up.

20 years later they holiday with her daughter and her children and we're lucky if they even acknowledge our kids birthdays.

To do this to a 7 year old is absolutely awful and she'll never forget it so it will seriously affect her relationship with her Dad forever.

Throwing your toys out the pram and cancelling the wedding is almost worse - imagine if your SD found out you so badly didn't want her as BM that you called it off - however maybe a lucky escape.

Surely it’s more cold that PIL / inlaws won’t even take care of their own grandaughter while their son gets married?

Sorry op but I think you’re being very unreasonable here. It’s his daughter, it’s not a niece or random cousin. Yes you don’t know her well enough but you’re joining her family, not the other way around.
Treat all daughters the same and have her included. I’d hope your fiancé would put up more of a fight to have her included in the wedding as it’s very hurtful to be excluded just because your other parent moved away.

You say you’re not interested in having a big wedding etc then why not have her involved, surely she could be a flower girl? Also why would she need to be in front of the other daughters? Why would it really matter the order as no one even considers it when they are a guest.

She'll have her Grandma there on the big day. What's the problem?

Can't she be a flower girl, with a matching dress and small role that doesn't overwhelm her on the day?

You sound pretty awful OP, don't exclude a little girl who should be included on her dad's big day.

All of them or none of them. You can't leave her out. Even if you don't see her often she needs to know there is a place for her in her father's new family.

I really hope this is made up. DF has chosen your dress?

I think your feelings about his DD are an attempt to have some control in your own life, but DSD is not the place to exercise it.

DF doesn’t know this is how I feel I’m assuming he expects her to be bridesmaid. I appreciate the other suggestions so I will suggest a flower girl/ best girl type role. No I am not blaming her ND on the reason I don’t want her as bridesmaid, Jesus some people just change wording to suit themselves.
She is not allowed at my house as her mother doesn’t like that DF moved on so DF visits her this is why I don’t see her. Some of these assumptions are far fetched, I’m not an evil stepmother I just only want my 2 DDs, a basic child free registry office wedding.

'Bloody wicked'? You're so wrong, not to mention if this is 'evil' your must have had a charmed life... there are worse things. Read the OP's latest update!
He has chosen your dress OP? How controlling.
Seriously this wedding is going to end in tears. The red flags keep piling up.

I think little ones can be tricky to manage on the big day. Couldn’t she be with her Dad and be the ring bearer or something. Get her a Co-ordinating outfit so it all looks nice in the photos. I know a family who did this and the girls wore the same dresses. Bridesmaids had pale shrugs. Grooms children stood with him at the front and wore a tartan sash to match his kilt

If you agree to it, the full dress up Pantomime that is. It seems you have, then you have to treat them equally. Sorry.
MIL and running your life is a completely separate battle. It would be nice to sort that out with Soon-to-be-Husband very quickly.

I think you’re getting a lot of quite harsh stick here OP. SD is considerably younger than your DD so it would very much change the dynamic of how you would prepare for your wedding. I sympathise with you there.

I agree with the PP who said SD should be on her dad’s side. And why would he not want his daughter with him on his wedding day, especially when contact has been so sparse. He’s being absolved of any responsibility in all this despite what is coming across as really poor parenting on his part. It would be very very different if SD was with you EOW and you were taking this stance, and it’s on him you don’t have more of a relationship with her.

it would be a nice touch for her to leave between your DD though. Lots of little girls would like that, and I think that would be sweet.

but surely as a bride I’m entitled to the wedding of my choice regardless of the circumstances

Are you marrying yourself or is there a second person involved whose wedding this will be too? Why should it be all about you?

I wouldn’t marry a man who was so lackadaisical about his relationship with his own child.

This. I wouldn't marry someone who'd treat my daughter like that.

Honestly why are you marrying this man?

His mother and ex are running his life and he's apparently incapable of standing up to them, even when it to your and DD's detriment. He's made all the decisions about a wedding you don't want. Why are you the only woman he doesn't listen to/consider and you plan to marry him?

Exactly.
She is his daughter. He should be honouring her in the wedding. There's nothing wrong with her, say walking up the aisle with him or standing next to him.
Also it would be extremely odd to have adult and child bridesmaids. Children are usually flower girls in this instance.

DF = dear father.. I was nearly having a heart attack until i figured out what OP meant 😂

Ah, now you've brought autism and ADHD into it. That's what it is. Your ableist attitude.

It's not your wedding. It's your and DF's wedding.
If your daughters can be bridesmaids, so can his.

The whole thing sounds so bizarre sorry but I don’t understand why you’re getting married when you both want such different things.

You want your dds at the wedding so they are going, if he wants his there then it’s only fair to compromise and let her be part of the day. She’s a child and it’s really hurtful to leave her out. It will also make her mother want her to have no contact with you if you can’t even consider the little girl on a special day.
You also say you’d leave him if he wasn’t happy with your dds being part of it but you’re not offering him the same deal. She could easily wear a lovely little dress and be a flower girl. She can stay with the in-laws or her dad on the morning of the wedding and join you just before the ceremony.

Try be welcoming to her, make her feel part of it all
and she will be excited.

If you’re not happy with all the things being arranged then speak to your fiancé and sort it out. Tell him to stop being so controlling but sounds like he’s doing so much because you’ve made it clear how disinterested you are.

Oh good God, she's 7.

If you can't even stand to have her as bridesmaid/flowergirl, no way should you agree to be her stepmother. Call off the wedding. You don't want to do it anyway and you don't accept his child as part of the package.