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Original poster

Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

396 replies

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 16:54

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 26/10/2023 17:26

And you don't HAVE to have bridesmaids. It should be all or nothing.

endlessfall · 26/10/2023 17:26

The aren't essential

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/10/2023 17:26

How old are they?

Could she be something special on her Dad's side instead.

Also, you both need to sort out your MIL before she thinks of the wedding as an invitation to meddle forever.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/10/2023 17:26

How old are they?

Could she be something special on her Dad's side instead.

Also, you both need to sort out your MIL before she thinks of the wedding as an invitation to meddle forever.

Goodornot · 26/10/2023 17:27

I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.

Are you sure it's so special a moment for your own daughters? Seeing mum get married to a guy who isn't their dad? Are they that bothered? It's your special moment. Or is it? You said you never wanted marriage so I'm confused.

Foodorder · 26/10/2023 17:27

Jewelspun · 26/10/2023 17:22

Cancel the wedding and the relationship and let him meet someone who takes him and his daughter on as a package.

Him and his daughter deserve better.

It doesn't really sound like they are a package though if he rarely sees DD. That's a problem too and another reason not to marry him, possibly, but not OP's fault.

CoffeeBean5 · 26/10/2023 17:27

How long have you been together if your dds have only met her once? I'm guessing your dds are adults then. The little girl could be a flower girl.

MechyMagic · 26/10/2023 17:27

Tbh this reads like it's gonna end in divorce anyway so does it even matter who's a bridesmaid or not?

NorthernGirlie · 26/10/2023 17:28

Fuck me - a wedding should be a union of your 2 families!

She's 7, SEVEN! buy the bloody dress. Let her walk BETWEEN your girls - they're going to be step sisters

Justmuddlingalong · 26/10/2023 17:28

So because you've "agreed" to get married, you get to dictate everything about the wedding? Congratulations, you seem to have snared a first class mug.

Toddlerteaplease · 26/10/2023 17:30

Cumberbiatch · 26/10/2023 17:03

This is fucking horrible. Please don't marry her dad if you feel this way about her.

This.

lunar1 · 26/10/2023 17:30

She's 7, and your attitude is appalling. I hope your partner puts his child first and walks away.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/10/2023 17:30

Ok, so it sounds like there is the potential for her to find this all a bit overwhelming. However she is involved it needs to be something with her Dad, having her with you is just asking for her to be upset, and it won't be her fault. Make any decisions with that focus and it will be a lot easy

SilverSpringss · 26/10/2023 17:30

As a child I wasn't even invited to my father's wedding, they didn't tell me til afterwards. Yet her daughter was a bridesmaid. I was 6 years old.

I was incredibly hurt, but it was very clear it was his wife's doing as she resented my very existence. Don't be that step mum, please.

meanypegs · 26/10/2023 17:31

This reply has been deleted

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Euridicefortuna · 26/10/2023 17:31

Maybe you won't have to get married .Tell your partner your plans and if he's worth his salt he won't marry you!

BrideToBe2313123 · 26/10/2023 17:32

This whole situation is very confusing.
A 7 year old girl, who is ND (which she has somehow been diagnosed with despite her mum, erm, not 'seeking help') is going to be sent all the way to London. In the care of strangers - your family.

Why?

You should include her, but equally it's your DF who should fulfil his responsibility as a father to HIS daughter, including managing her. And if she is ND being in a new environment could be unsettling and uncomfortable.

You shouldn't leave her out but equally if she's going to be weaponised or passed around like a parcel it's not going to a great experience for her regardless of the optics.

How old are you daughters? Also can't she be a flower girl and not a bridesmaid?

Citrusandginger · 26/10/2023 17:32

But marriage isn't about you and your girls. It is, or is supposed to be about you and your future DH joining your families together.

In the nicest possible way, you are very wrong here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2023 17:33

Concerning he’s so keen to marry someone he’s only had meet his young child a few times don’t you think? You say her mum controls everything. You’re a mum. Can you imagine only seeing your own kids once a month? Can you imagine letting anyone dictate your relationship with them and just accepting it? I can’t.

You seem to have saddled yourself with a spineless specimen who’s fine being pushed around by his ex and his mother. I wouldn’t find that attractive.

diddl · 26/10/2023 17:33

I don't think having your partner's daughter as a bmaid is quite the same as forcing him to have a bman of your choice!

I'd have all 3 walking together or none.

Or have none if you don't like child bmaids.

Or are your daughters conveniently not children?

Foodorder · 26/10/2023 17:34

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2023 17:33

Concerning he’s so keen to marry someone he’s only had meet his young child a few times don’t you think? You say her mum controls everything. You’re a mum. Can you imagine only seeing your own kids once a month? Can you imagine letting anyone dictate your relationship with them and just accepting it? I can’t.

You seem to have saddled yourself with a spineless specimen who’s fine being pushed around by his ex and his mother. I wouldn’t find that attractive.

Yes, OP's getting all the stick but I think it's much worse that he's marrying a woman his 7yo daughter doesn't know.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2023 17:34

SilverSpringss · 26/10/2023 17:30

As a child I wasn't even invited to my father's wedding, they didn't tell me til afterwards. Yet her daughter was a bridesmaid. I was 6 years old.

I was incredibly hurt, but it was very clear it was his wife's doing as she resented my very existence. Don't be that step mum, please.

It’s your father who let that happen. No matter how unreasonable she was it was his decision to let her dictate it and go along with it. Place the blame where it’s due.

meanypegs · 26/10/2023 17:34

You seem to have saddled yourself with a spineless specimen who’s fine being pushed around by his ex and his mother.

And by his apparent wife-to-be.

Hibernatalie · 26/10/2023 17:34

Deliberately leaving a 7 year old girl out is so cruel. If it were my daughter I couldn't marry you knowing how you feel about her.

Caszekey · 26/10/2023 17:34

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 17:24

Point taken..
She’s 7. I’ve only met her a handful of times as her mother controls everything. DF is allowed to visit her once a month. My family have never met her and my DDs met her once. The thought feels awkward, her behaviour isn’t the best as she has autism and ADHD which her mother will not seek help for and it would be up to my family to care for her on the morning of the day.
Marriage has never been important to me so yes as a compromise I want a minimalist wedding, I’m happy to call it off but DF would be distraught. If I have to have her as bridesmaid I will, but surely as a bride I’m entitled to the wedding of my choice regardless of the circumstances and my preference is not to have her? If I forced a best men on DF he wouldn’t be happy I chose for him. Plus I’ve never been a fan of child bridesmaids full stop.

Ok, so the actual issue is DF is a disengaged father who's rushing to marry a woman he hasn't even bothered to introduce to his child properly. I can see why the idea feels uncomfortable for you given the circs but I think the right thing to do is ask her, or DH invent a role for her.
If your girls are older could she be a flower girl so comes down ahead of you and is with the grooms side all morning?

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