Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

How sad, poor girl.

You are marrying, you want your daughters to have a role and special place in the ceremony.

Your future husband is marrying and surely wants his daughter to have a role and special place in the ceremony.

I would be suggesting she is your future husbands best woman, to support her dad.
Matching dresses with your girls, perhaps in a different colour.

What will you say if your future husband says he doesn't want your daughters to play any part?

You realise this is a 7 yo who's likely ND who would basically be left with a group of strangers because HER FATHER CBA to make sure his future wife knows HIS child? And as such it is likely to be overwhelming for the poor kid and a pretty shit experience?

She should be included. By the absent Dad who assumes it's the women's role to facilitate his child

It's not just about a "few minutes down the aisle" though. It's about all the stuff that you think will make it special for your daughters - shopping for dresses together, getting ready together, being in the photos (ie the permanent record of your wedding). If your fiance isn't making an effort to be part of his child's life because she lives further away that doesn't reflect well on him

Call the whole thing off, do you really want this nonsense your whole life?

She needs to be offered a role, but the role doesn't have to be a bridesmaid, the age difference is significant enough. What about making her a flower girl?

You both or her father could go and buy a nice dress with her, but it doesn't have to be the same style as your DDs, just within the colour scheme, ideally something she can use repeatedly.
The arrangement can be flexible - she can walk the aisle before you throwing the flowers, or holding her father's hand, whatever will be the easiest on the day.

My opinion about the 7 year old has become irrelevant now that I've read that your fiancé chose your dress. That'd be the title of my thread "My fiancé picked my wedding dress, would IBU to tell him to fuck off?"

Sometimes I read a thread and hope to God its made up. This is one of them

@wesurecouldstandgladioli

But it’s not a random member of her future DH family. It will her future step daughter. A union of two families. How hard is for the Dad to buy a dress and have her as a flower girl?

Can you imagine how quite badly this would affect a child? Im an adult and feel bad for her :(

I’m aware that step parents get the hard time and often see it on here. But this feels quite cold towards a 7 year old. To exclude her :(

I think you are being unkind. As your DDs are much older anyway, you can still have them as your key support. Call her a flower girl, buy her a pretty dress and let her fling some rose petals around.

Because wedding parties are so ridiculously gendered, she's been punished and excluded from her father's wedding because she's a girl. If she was a boy, he could have her (him) as his page boy. Perhaps that's the answer - your DF can have her as HIS Groomsgirl?

I'd only met DH's niece about 2 weeks before my wedding and I still included her. My actual bridesmaids were my two closest friends.

Oh god, should have RTFT. It just seemed like a whole undercurrent of overbearing MIL drama in the first post I couldn’t be arsed with the rest of it!

You "barely know her" yet you're marrying her father?

I really don't understand why OP is getting all the stick. Df sounds appalling.

It’s only a few minutes down the aisle does it really matter

your words OP. So if it doesn’t really matter then why can’t you include all your children, including your soon to be step daughter

Personally I think not at least asking is unkind

Breathtakingly cruel.

You want a simple child free wedding when your partner has an actual child.
Perhaps you, as a mother can feel sympathy for that poor child, who has been cut off from her dad. A wedding would be a lovely way to make her feel like she is part of the family.

Can you not muster that op? Your selfishness is extraordinary here.

The much younger child can easily have a different (much less expensive) dress in similar colour or white with coloured sash. She could be ring bearer.

It's really really awful to exclude her. Buy her a pretty dress to match your DDs, let her walk behind and be in the wedding party photos and that's literally all you have to do. Awful.

Right?

It's the girl's father who should be facilitating the inclusion of his own daughter not the OP.

Also the girl isn't even allowed to visit OP's house but she's somehow supposed to happily walk up the aisle on OP's side?

Curiouser and curiouser...

Beyond baffling, you’ve known him 5 years yet only met his DD a few times, your DDs have met her once yet he has 50/50 care but that’s seeing her once a month? Wtf is going on?
He’s completely managed and arranged the wedding (along with his mother- have you met her?) He’s controlling the whole shebang OP, including you. Best of luck (and I feel really sorry for his DD)

Well no actually that's all her father has to do.
OP has nowt to do with it.
.

Your ‘F’ is useless. If he wanted to parent his ND child, he would. The mum cannot just say no and that be that.

She should have whatever role in the wedding works best for her… flower girl, bridesmaid, guest…

If anything were to happen to her mum, she would be living with you. This is not a person who is irrelevant to your life.

And I doubt she got an ASD and ADHD diagnosis with a mum who won’t seek help.

Yep, this! Save your cash and call it off, you won't last a year.

Mine weren't invited to their dad’s wedding either.

He ‘surprised’ them in MacDonalds when he picked them up from school, by showing his ring and asking ‘what do you think this is?’

Idiot.

My DC’s cried and cried. They wouldn't leave me to go to school the next day. Like yours, devastated.

The lowest point was my seven year old, crying in bed, with the words ‘we are second best, aren't we mummy’ 🥲

( and in all of that he still tried to blame me - “we had to keep it secret incase your mum turned up and ruined it by trying to get me back” OMG - as if - absolutely not stupid man.