Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

How old are the 3 girls?

You can't say you didn't want to get married and are only doing so for your fiance to then say having your DDs as bridesmaids will be a special moment.

Either include the DSD ( how old is she BTW ) or have a quick signing st the registry office and no extras or don't married.

Ummmm - I think really you need to ask her if you every really want there to be the chance of some kind of relationship in the future.

If she is much younger could she not be a flower girlm

Everything about this is incredibly sad. Poor kid.

Your marriage is about the joining of two families. You can't leave out one child; that would be awful. Just choose cheaper dresses if you're bothered about paying for them.

your partner is also entitled to have his DD as a bridesmaid - if you had a son and he said no to him being a pageboy or an usher you would be really upset.

regardless of the distance, situation with the mum etc it is awful to leave a child out of their parents wedding when the other children will be included and made 'special'

You cannot be serious OP. This has got to be a made up post surely?!

Doesn’t stuff like this cause bullying between step-siblings?

I can’t see how leaving her out is good for anyone. It won’t endear to you the family you’re marrying into.

You’d be better off finding a man without a child.

This sounds like a horrible way to start your married life. Sounds as if you'd rather the poor child didn't exist at all.

If i were you I would be inclusive and think about the long term. Wouldn't it be better if everyone just got on?

This is fucking horrible. Please don't marry her dad if you feel this way about her.

What is this in front/behind nonsense?

How old are the 3 girls? She is your future husband’s daughter, and she will be your step daughter - it seems cruel to leave her out of the day, and will set the tone for the rest of your life with her. Your fiance has compromised on the size of the wedding, to include his daughter alongside your own could be your compromise. You could ask his ex whether the girl would be allowed to attend - you may well be worrying over nothing if the answer is no, but as least that will then be on the ex, not you excluding her.

Deal with the MIL issue first. And you don’t say what your fiancé thinks about whether or not he wants her to be a bridesmaid, is he bothered? If he’s not ensuring he can even come to the wedding it sounds like he isn’t.

How old is SD?

So you're grudgingly getting married because DF wants it but the most important bit for you is excluding his child and making sure it's clear only yours matter. Right.

She is part of your new family and needs to as included as your dds are. I do understand that you don't want her as your bridesmaid because she isn't part of your bridal party but your DH's.

It is usually just sucked up for the day but perhaps a good compromise would be to make her your DH's best woman or chief usher so she gets to support him in the same way your dc are supporting you.

This can’t be real, of course you can’t exclude her like that.

As you don't know the kid I can see where you are coming from. If she's small would she even feel comfortable getting sorted with you and your dds?

What I would suggest is that she becomes the best girl/grooms maid or whatever you want to call it - i.e. that she supports her dad not you. That way she is included but not part of the bridal party of someone she doesn't know.

I don't think it's terrible not to have her as bridesmaid, they're the "bride's maids" after all and would traditionally have come from the bride's family and friends.

She does need a role though, but DH needs to find that for her. Ring bearer?

I agree with PP though, saying you don't want a wedding doesn't really compute with strong feelings on bridesmaids, or indeed having any bridesmaids at all.

This is a sure way of making sure that your DSD stays out of your lives. What a massively unkind, selfish, thoughtless message you are sending her - "you aren't welcome. You aren't in our family".

Blended families only ever work when every party sends a very clear message that the children come first. I'm assuming you expect your DP to care for your daughters?

It doesn't matter if the child lives in Timbuktu - you should make her feel a part of this.

When you have children to consider, it's no longer about only you.

"I don't care about a wedding I'm only doing this for my partner"

"I want my wedding to be done in this very specific way, excluding a member of my supposed new family as it's a really special moment for me!"

Make your fucking mind up babes.

Also don't marry a man who won't stand up to his mother to make sure you have the wedding you want! I don't mean on the bridesmaids issue particularly, but the rest of it.