Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

I think it's much worse that he's marrying a woman his 7yo daughter doesn't know

Yes, he's a bellend too (if he's real).

This.

How could you even consider this to be ok? You'd leave a seven year old little girl out, how do yo think this will make her feel, now and in the future?

If you want a minimalist wedding don't have any bridesmaids at all.

All these men 'not allowed to see their children.' But who also have never bothered to go to court.

Even men who are regular users of marijuana who are also under psychic care are awarded weekly visits.

They’re 18 and 16 so he hasn’t raised them and if he didn’t want them included after 5 years in their life I wouldn’t stick around.
I don’t know his daughter enough to comment on that, the rest is background for reference and to confirm that I’m not singling out a child we have 50/50 custody of.
DF has planned the entire wedding down to my dress, date and colour theme, all I have had a say in is that it’s a small wedding and my DDs are bridesmaids.
Regarding future MIL yes she is very controlling and has her say in everything, I have learnt to ignore it.

Someone needs to tell HIM they come as a package. He's seeing her once a month despite the fact her Mother is apparently not meeting all her needs. He hasn't bothered making sure his partner knows her. Sounds like out of sight out of mind.

At 7 and especially with such a tense environment with her mother you need to invite her to be part of the wedding to make her feel part of the family.

Bloody hell that poor little girl, and (assuming this is the UK) bullshit her family controls everything, he could visit her more than once a month too if he took them to court, no way a court would oppose a father having frequent visitation with such a young child unless there was significant DV and even then they would probably facilitate it with a chaperone in a centre.

And to answer your question yes let her be a bloody bridesmaid, her father already sees more of his DSDs than her, it's the least she could have to be included in her father's family.

So you’ve been with him since she was 2 and only met her a few times? Utterly baffling.

This ^^

You’re being mean. I always wandered what mean girls grow up from school like - I found one. The ones that pick and choose, make children feel quite rubbish. You are choosing to hurt a little 7 year old.

It’s meant to be a marriage - it’s not just your day it’s also your partners. If he also doesnt seem bothered about his OWN daughter being present with a bridesmaid dress - would you actually want to marry someone with such little thought.

Don’t tar the daughter with her parents (both) failings.

The clue is in the name - bridesmaids. They are there for the bride and must be chosen by the bride. Tell DF to tell his mum to wind her neck in. If he won’t, you’ve got DH problems and shouldn’t be marrying him.

DSD can be flower girl or ring bearer surely? She could even walk her dad down the aisle, if there is one.

@Laceandfrills

yes you should have her. Find a way to set it up that you can live with. Eg her as a flower girl. Do some special stuff with your daughters in prep when she’s not around.

to answer your question - yes a wedding means sucking up some stuff you dislike because it’s important to your DF / in laws.

but, big picture, this issue is the least of your issues. I don’t think you should be getting married at all.

as others say too many problems. And it sounds like your DF wants to rush ahead to paper over the cracks in his life. He should be focusing on his daughter and getting her the help she needs, not performatively getting married.

Isn’t a large part of the point of two parents getting married to form a new family? Doesn’t sound like that is happening here.

Appalling. She is going to.be part of your family. I don't envy her that!

She’s 7?!

Er, yeah, DSD needs to be bridesmaid. That’s awful you even considered she wouldn’t.

He has picked your dress? I think you need to call the whole thing off as you really don't want it.

I always wandered what mean girls grow up from school like - I found one.

I think you found one in your own post.

Did you choose a bridesmaid from DH’s family? That’s not the norm at all.

Wow, that’s cold. She has special needs so not perfect enough for your wedding?

The whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster. Don't get married at all.

My DD wasn't bridesmaid and wasn't even invited when ex and her stepmum got married. It's a wound that'll never heal, trust me. So cruel

I'm going with the "don't get married at all" advice.

Again assuming this is all real - you don't actually want to get married, @Laceandfrills, so don't get married. Marriage only makes sense if one person is financially weaker than the other one. Are you much richer than your husband? That might explain his keenness if so.

I think you need to come up with a role for her that doesn’t involve her getting ready with you etc but is still special. Flower girl or ring bearer as a pp suggested. Or call her a bridesmaid but she arrives for the ceremony. She won’t know or care that she hasn’t been there for the morning part I suspect.

How can you say you wouldn’t want your DH if he wouldn’t include your DC and then in the same breath want to exclude his DD?

Threads like these are the reason I have the step parenting board hidden, but now and again they appear on other boards. If you don't want to welcome his daughter into your life, don't marry him. Poor kid, you sound awful.