Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

And you never will get to know her better with that attitude. You aren't even giving her chance to be included. Leave it to DF to ask her and arrange how she will travel for the wedding. A wedding is the perfect opportunity to introduce her to your family and get to know your dd's. What will your DF family say when you have your own dd's as bridesmaid but not DF? If you don't want to be a stepmum then you shouldn't be marrying him.

Im guessing that as his daughter gets older your partner is hoping to play a bigger part in her life without her mum making it difficult? If you do this she will never feel apart of your family and it could ruin her opinion of her dad forever.
Is it worth causing all that upset over the price of a dress and letting her be involved.
Like others have said if you don't want to be a step mum then find a guy with no children!
If my husband had told me bed our wedding that he didn't want my son from a previous relationship involved (he walked me down the aisle with my dad and my step daughter as bridesmaid) I would have left him on the spot, extremely cruel to leave her out!!

Exactly this.

Actually it's very unusual for small children to be bridesmaids!
https://www.marthastewart.com/7891624/should-you-have-junior-bridesmaids-wedding-party
A lot of other sites say the same.

BM's follow the bride but flower girls go first.

We’ve just discussed his daughters role in the wedding and he suggested she walks in with him then sits with his parents. So issue has been resolved without me having to be ‘spiteful to a 7 year old’.
MIL doesn’t want to look after her on the morning as she’s getting her hair and nails done apparently.
I don’t want to be caring for any child on the morning of my wedding, even my own, I’m in my 40s and past that stage so my mum kindly offered. Yes she does have a full diagnosis but her mother didn’t want to push forward with medication. My DDs will be walking in with me, MIL wanted them to walk in a line like a traditional wedding holding the train but I don’t have one on my dress and I don’t want them in an order. The wedding itself cost £60 so no not enough for a court case for custody. I hope that answers all the questions that many of you were keen to answer with your own versions to paint me as a monster.
Thank you all for the helpful comments, I’ll be off now.

Good luck OP, genuinely. I don’t like the sound of your partner one bit and his mother comes across as nightmareish. I suspect you’ll need it.

Mother in law sounds a selfish old battle axe.

I'd say good luck but its the 7 year old and her mother who will need it.

It is DF's wedding as well as yours and he may well want his daughter there in the same way as you want yours.

Why on earth should a couple of teenagers have to be responsible for a difficult child they don't even know, on an occasion they will want to be part of the celebrations?

Because she’s their soon to be step sister.
Just astonished at some attitudes including the OP.

I don't understand the drama. I agree with others that she could be a flower girl. The selfishness of some people just astounds me.

I honestly don't believe some of the threads on here.

Or am I just not used to such fucking dramas?

You get with man who has a child/children then have a melt down everytime you have to involve them.

You're putting a lot of responsibility on two young girls, it would probably ruin their memories of the day.

The child has a father and large extended family. If none of them want to be responsible for looking after her , why should 2 teens she doesn't even know.

A full ADHD diagnosis means her mum has taken her for screening, assessment, etc, and sorted out accommodations and a plan with the school. Medication is not always recommended or effective at such a young age especially with possible other coexisting conditions like ASD.

As a natural consequence of diagnosis under the NHS, the ADHD care plan will be multifaceted. Her mum will be putting in lots of effort as a single mum to manage this, while your DH romps around with you and your DDs. It's interesting how you seem so certain in your judgment, given your DH only sees his daughter once a month and you don't interact with her at all.

Also interesting how you answered literally every single question except are you the OW. Perhaps now you'll have some glib explanation at the ready, but it's interesting how you had no qualms with someone leaving his DD of 2 years old to come join you and your DDs. I assume this background is part of why his ex doesn't trust you 2 enough to let DD stay at your place, and also explains all these wedding issues & your unwillingness to be stood with SD.

Yes, the ‘even DF describes her as a handful’ comment is illuminating. He doesn’t know how to care for her, by the sounds of it. Maybe her behaviour gets worse after she has been with him, or she doesn’t want to sleep over and the ex has insisted on the arrangement which works for the DD. Who knows?

@MaryMcI yeah, and TBF, even without ADHD I wouldn't want a little 2 to 7 year old child travelling or being taken across the country regularly to stay with her philandering/useless father and an indifferent biased stepmother (potentially OW)... ADHD – and OP and DH's ignorance and judgment – make it harder in this case.

The onus should be on the father to travel to see the DD he abandoned soon after her birth, but clearly both he and OP CBF. First blaming the ex and then changing to the hotel cost excuse. Both too busy playing happy families and planning a wedding

DF and MIL have chosen you a wedding, guest list, bridesmaids and dress (es) that cost £60 all in? Wow they should set up a business showing people how it's done.

Most of the drama comes from people not being able to handle you not jumping to do so, or finding a different family make up that suits you better. Yourself being a prime example!

The different family make up being someone who doesn't really want to have a relationship with their DH's Child/Children because they irritate you sometimes?

I don't see why the little girl can't be a flower girl.

Because she’s their soon to be step sister.
Older kids are perfectly capable of looking after younger ones….or at least they used to be.

Jesus are you still going? No I was not the other woman. I didn’t see that question was asked. They split when his daughter was 4 months old. We met when she was 18 months old. Her mother has a husband and 3 children aged 3 and under so in no way a victim struggling alone. She moved away to be with her husband. Does that correct your false narrative? The issue is resolved so find something else to do with your time. Thanks again to the kind and helpful comments.

Hi @Laceandfrills.

I'm glad you've found a resolution. It's difficult, but I'm glad your future DSD will be involved in some way. It's also right and appropriate that she should be with her father. In terms of who enters in what order, though, I'd say that this doesn't indicate a hierarchy of importance where family is concerned. I lived a few years in the US - there, the bridal party comes in first (flower girls followed by bridesmaids) and the bride, as the most important person, comes last, as the Queen always did.

I know leaving a 7-YO old out of the bridesmaid experience (every little girl wants to be a 'princess', ugh!) sounds callous at first glance. But from the other perspective it's not a reasonable expectation at all that a bride should have the caring responsibility for a neuro-diverse child she doesn't even know (we all know that's what would happen were she in the bride's personal party) on her wedding day. Her own relatives, her father and grandma, should be falling over themselves to ensure she's okay and I'd have to question why her granny at least is not a taker. A wedding is not the best of circumstances for a stepmum to get to know her DSD better: you don't know how she reacts to stimulus for one thing; mixed gatherings can often be tortuous for neuro-diverse people. I consider your future MiL's behaviour an absolute let-down in this respect.

I can see why you've been hesitant, as far as marriage is concerned. MiL sounds both unsupportive and dictatorial. Your partner sounds as though he needs to fight harder in the interests and wellbeing of his child. This is less 'bridezilla' or 'wicked stepmother' - we're not in a ladybird book here - than a cool-headed, practical set of considerations as to how this will actually work in practice.

You are not walking into the easiest of situations here OP. I hope things work out for you. At the very least, in your shoes I'd be wanting to keep your impossible MiL safely at a distance once the wedding is over with.

Hope it all goes off well, and if this doesn't sound too hollow, congratulations!

It is a good idea that she walks down with Dad, but sorry, I dont really understand why you are so against just letting her be a flower girl (if that is what she wishes). I think it would be a great opportunity to bond/ get to know her and she would hopefully look back on it as an important moment in her life when she is older.

If you do build a stronger relationship with her over time, I feel you will look back and be glad that you made the decision to give her a role in the wedding. Whereas not giving her a formal role may be something you regret later after having built a relationship.

I do however totally understand not wanting to have the full responsibility of caring for her during the wedding. Great your mum offered and disappointing/ interesting his mum didn't take this into consideration when planning getting her nails done etc. I would however consider asking your daughters to help your mum out, even for a short time. They are going to be her step sisters and it would be a good opportunity to get to know her.

If you know it's going to cause ruptions , then why don't you just include his child ? It's his day too!
Seems really sad , not sure what your trying to achieve by excluding his daughter.