Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

How old are the girls? It seems mean on the face of it.

Poor kid, her future step mum already wants to leave her out because she's not as special as her own daughters. Please don't marry, you obviously don't get what blending a family means

Cancel the wedding. The dad might find someone who actually likes his daughter.

'I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter?'

Well for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle why be so cruel?

I think your husband needs to rethink the marriage if your not willing to include his daughter on something so special to him. Yes you might not know her but you are about to be family, what's the big problem, why start it off on the wrong foot?

@Foodorder I take your point, but depending on the age of the girl, most girls would love to be a bridesmaid. Not sure a ring bearer is quite the same.

I don't know old she is but she could have a "bridesmaid" dress and a fancy cushion or basket with flowers for the rings.

If she's older, she can have any important role that her dad creates for her.

@Laceandfrills you really need to say how old the girls are. If she was an adult/teen it might be ok but you say she's young. It will only breed resentment of you and her father.

I hope your DFiance finds a lovely role for her, as his special guest.
At least you won't have the hassle of attending any of her big days in future.

Is your dsd called Cinderella by any chance?

But for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter?

If it’s just a few minutes down the aisle then what’s the problem?

Of course your can’t leave her out. That’s awful.

The poor child . Of cause you include her as a bridesmaid. Any little girl would be so excited being a bridesmaid and can’t imagine how sad and upset she would be if you leave her out . You need to really think about what you have written…it’s awful!

What are the reasons for you that getting married is the right thing to do for yourself and daughters other than future dh’s preference?

(the wedding day is a way to get off to a good or bad start)

Suggest it to him and see what he says. I wouldn’t respect a man who would allow someone to treat his daughter this way.

Yanbu.

I'd have all 3 girls and have them walk side by side.

It's not some pecking order. For a start that girls father will be raising your dds. How can you even consider she should then have to walk behind yours in the aisle?

You sound cruel actually

Cancel the wedding and the relationship and let him meet someone who takes him and his daughter on as a package.

Him and his daughter deserve better.

Why the fuck are you marrying a man with a daughter if you don't want to include her in the wedding you apparently don't actually want to have?

I can't believe anyone seriously thinks like this.

Flipping heck OP
I'd be trying even harder to include her given she's living remotely not trying to estrange her further
Poor kid

Wow, it's his wedding too!

I know it sounds harsh and cruel

Because it is!!

Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?

How young is young? And if you barely know her is this relationship relatively new? Maybe she could be a flower girl (and her dad pays for her dress and hair) if she's very young.

Point taken..
She’s 7. I’ve only met her a handful of times as her mother controls everything. DF is allowed to visit her once a month. My family have never met her and my DDs met her once. The thought feels awkward, her behaviour isn’t the best as she has autism and ADHD which her mother will not seek help for and it would be up to my family to care for her on the morning of the day.
Marriage has never been important to me so yes as a compromise I want a minimalist wedding, I’m happy to call it off but DF would be distraught. If I have to have her as bridesmaid I will, but surely as a bride I’m entitled to the wedding of my choice regardless of the circumstances and my preference is not to have her? If I forced a best men on DF he wouldn’t be happy I chose for him. Plus I’ve never been a fan of child bridesmaids full stop.

Completely agree. You are being cruel OP. I wouldn’t marry anyone who wanted to purposely exclude my child. No excuses you make are acceptable.

How would you feel if it was the other way round and your boyfriend was making out his kids were so much better than yours and didn't want to involve them?

The obvious solution is that she is your DF’s groomsmaid - she walks up the aisle with him, in the same dress as the bridesmaids, bearing the ring. You have the ceremony and walk down the aisle as one family.

If you aren't a fan of bridesmaids just don't have any, they are essential.