Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

I think you are being unreasonable
If she is 10yrs younger than your DDs make her a flower girl. Different dress, no pressure.
She puts the dress on, no additional "looking after" beyond what would be required if she was to come as a non-bridesmaid.
She is in the photos, she can stand next to your DH or walk infront instead of walk behind you.

As am aside, am I the only person who cringes at walking down the aisle, bridesmaids etc when there are already teenage children on the scene (I know they are not the groom's). Surely a quick ceremony is more appropriate?

Whence this latest bit of morals-free judgement? Why are you going to weddings you don't approve of? Why can't people with kids have a traditional wedding? What's so inappropriate?

Forgive me for being so straight forward but it sounds like this relationship is doomed to fail unless you compromise. So YOU want a small wedding with immediate family only, ok - he's already made a big compromise. Now despite your comments you want your DD as bridesmaids/flowergirls, yet expect to leave his DD out? And how bad a start will that be for forging a new relationship between you and his DD. This is a compromise you need to make for your husband and his child. If you can't do this you shouldn't be in the relationship. How would you feel if he ignored your DD in this way. As for not wanting to buy a dress if it goes to waste, thats just an excuse. I am the voice of experience, as I was once the child that got ignored when my Dad remarried. Presumably the ex and DD know about the marriage and she will be expecting an invitation. You need to send a card, tell her that you and her Dad are getting married and you would both like her to be there and take a special part as your bridesmaid. Tell her you want her there - this needs to come from you and not Dad. He needs to know you want her there too otherwise quick frankly he shouldn't be marrying you. Kids come first and if you love him, you will suck it up and do this for him, but you actually need to make a genuine effort with his DD.

She may decline, if she does, be kind, be understanding as she may feel disloyal to her mum and make it clear she is always welcome. Do not get this wrong, this is a young person and what you do now can blight the relationship with her and his family.

It comes across as double standards, you presumably want him to love and protect your DDs but you are not reciprocating with his DD. Think carefully about which way you turn on this, it will come back and bite you on the bum.

This is giving cinderella vibes.

Wow. You sound SO much worse and more brimming with vitriol than OP.

Also, adhd meds are not a magic behaviour fix, if anything my son is more emotional on them. They merely help him to focus on one thing at a time.

How people can leave comments like that and think they come away looking morally superior is absolutely beyond me.

Wow! Isn't this a moden day Cinderella story? My two gorgeous daughters can come to the wedding but cinderella must stay behind and tend to the fire!
Let's just hope that somewhere in this story there is a Fairly God mother because its already got the wicked step mother covered 🫣

My daughters weren't invited to their dads wedding. Her daughters went and the ages were similar.
It's left a lasting mark on their relationship that will never be repaired. You need to include her. My sd stood with her dad for our wedding and she loved that as was with Dad

It really does.

Two of my beautiful bridesmaids were my DSD.

She hasn't said she can't come, she's said she doesn't want her to be her bridesmaid, and she hasn't objected to her being with her dad, which is what's now being held up as ideal whilst simultaneously hurling insults at OP. Not a lot of intelligence in the recent comments.

Sorry but if I was your partner I'd be seriously questioning whether I want to go through with the marriage. Why are your children any more important that his? You never wanted to get married now the one calling the shots on it and if you don't get your own way, going to call it off? Children sound more mature to be perfectly honest!

I'm very intelligent thanks.

We will never agree. If OP wanted special moments with her Daughters she could still do this even if the little girl was a bridesmaid. Photos of bride with just Daughters, shopping trips with just them, time together the night before with just them etc.

Genuinely can't believe what I am reading this morning......

Don't get married, if you feel like this about your step daughter to be, you should not be involved with the father

Just what I envisaged when I read this post. Superiority seeping from every pore.

Just what I envisaged when I read this post. Superiority seeping from every pore.

You don't want to know what I envisioned when I read your comment.

Start as you mean to go on OP...

To me, taking on a new partner who has children means including their children in my life, if they'll have me, but you may prefer to remain a distant and unknown stepmum?

It's about what you want moving forward. Your partner's DD will no doubt always come first for him no matter what you want, unless he's not really worth his salt. If you start like this, I foresee tension. Again, no issue if you're prepared for that and will make no fuss about it.

I can't really understand why having your own daughters as bridesmaids means so much to you if you're not even bothered... maybe it would be better to have NO bridesmaids at all?

If this child isn't diagnosed, she may not even be ND, it's just an assumption. Could be behaviour related to abandonment issues 🤷, or just parenting style.

The mum "controls everything" but if she is ND, as a mum of ND children you kind of have to manage every situation, so that it goes as smoothly as possible. Many Autism parents can't face hiring babysitters for this very reason - they won't know why the yellow plate is important, or that the toothpaste squeezed into the brush has be a certain length or bedtime will go to pot, and they'll try and do it without the rituals, and it'll be a nightmare. Spontaneous events are impossible.

A profoundly ND child (non verbal or with learning differences for example) wouldn't want to go to a wedding full of strangers anyway and the focus then would be to facilitate her presence, creating a day that won't trigger sensory issues, to please her father. So it would depend on how the child herself feels about attending, too.

The other point is that if she is ND, it came from somewhere, and quite likely both sides. Something to think about when considering life with your new partner or further children.