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Original poster

Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

396 replies

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 16:54

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

OP posts:
Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 26/10/2023 19:29

I agree with you when you say it is cruel but that is the only bit I can agree with you. You sound like a right catch for your soon to husband. Hope he sees the light and walks away.

Lose10kyesterday · 26/10/2023 19:30

Apparently your Fiancé would be happy to have a huge wedding and spend a fortune on it, but can't afford to go and visit his own daughter more frequently because of the cost of travel and an hotel? Have I understood correctly?

jammyhand · 26/10/2023 19:30

@Hibiscrubbed I don't think the ex is mental necessarily, he got involved with OP when his DD was 2 so maybe the ex just doesn't trust OP?

ADHD is a complex condition with long waitlists on the NHS, given their lack of involvement in the DD's life, I don't think OP and her DH are in a position to judge what the mother may be trying to do or have been advised to do

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 26/10/2023 19:30

This is easy. If your DP would like her to have a role, she should be groomsmaid :) Same role but in support of her Dad rather than you. Best girl even instead of best man.

lamalamalamasquirrel · 26/10/2023 19:32

My husband had his daughter's by his side as groomsmaids. It was very important to us both they were part of it an as involved as much as they wanted to but being my bridesmaid felt like it would be too "weird" for them. They are my husbands children first.

MollyRover · 26/10/2023 19:32

OP why would your parents be expected to look after a child they don't know at your wedding? Wouldn't your future in laws be in a position to do that?

lamalamalamasquirrel · 26/10/2023 19:32

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 26/10/2023 19:30

This is easy. If your DP would like her to have a role, she should be groomsmaid :) Same role but in support of her Dad rather than you. Best girl even instead of best man.

Cross posted!!!

velvetstars · 26/10/2023 19:33

I'm astonished no one is apparently thinking of what would be best for the DSD in all this. She's 7, with suspected but undiagnosed ASD, and is faced with being put in a fancy dress surrounded by strangers in a new location. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

For her sake, she should spend the morning with her DF and her DGM etc... walking down the aisle with him and enjoying a day with her new extended family.

I don't think you're being unfair to just want your own grown up DDs as your bridesmaids. I also don't think it's at all odd for you to feel that if you're going through with the wedding for you fiancé, that you get to enjoy the good bits that go along with it. Whether other posters choose to accept it or not, that means the bride gets to have some say in the day.

I hope you have a lovely wedding and you get to spend the morning your DDs (and your DF with his DD) then all have a great rest of day together.

meanypegs · 26/10/2023 19:34

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HowAmYa · 26/10/2023 19:34

Sorry OP there's so much more at issue here that your DSD being bridesmaid.

Why on earth he lives so far away from his only actual child whilst playing happy families for 5 years with yours is quite shocking.

Of course his family will expect his DD there in a big role...its his only child!

Shes 7. You say she has autism and adhd. You say the mum won't get help. I cant imagine how hard it is for her to deal with the pressures of this all alone while he gets to be disney dad 1 day a month - why on earth would she agree to more when it would mean his autistic daughter would have to travel up and down and be outside HER comfort zone at such a tender age?

This is so wrong in so many ways. That poor, poor girl.

jammyhand · 26/10/2023 19:35

Since you say he left his DD at 2 years old to join you and your DDs, can you explain the timeline? Are you the OW? That would explain a lot of this tension and dislike between all parties

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 26/10/2023 19:38

YABVU

This can't be real. Surely no-one in their right mind could find this acceptable?!

Zanatdy · 26/10/2023 19:39

Sorry but really not nice and I wouldn’t be marrying you if I was your DF. If you’ve barely met her, now is the time to start bonding given she will be your step daughter. Not sure why you’re marrying someone with kids with an attitude like that.

PostItInABook · 26/10/2023 19:40

Ah, so it’s an ableist thread as well as a wicked stepmother one.

Almost a full house OP. Well done.

TheSquareMile · 26/10/2023 19:40

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 17:36

They’re 18 and 16 so he hasn’t raised them and if he didn’t want them included after 5 years in their life I wouldn’t stick around.
I don’t know his daughter enough to comment on that, the rest is background for reference and to confirm that I’m not singling out a child we have 50/50 custody of.
DF has planned the entire wedding down to my dress, date and colour theme, all I have had a say in is that it’s a small wedding and my DDs are bridesmaids.
Regarding future MIL yes she is very controlling and has her say in everything, I have learnt to ignore it.

Your fiance has chosen the wedding dress you are going to wear?

hitmebabyonemoretime21 · 26/10/2023 19:41

For someone who doesn't even really want to get married, you sure are acting like a bridezilla. It's cruel and you know it. I could never do that. I have two DC from a previous relationship and if my DH proposed this to me, I wouldn't marry him - it's a deal breaker. She is part of your family, regardless if you see her or not.

Let her be a best woman and stand up there with her dad - there are many ways you can include her flower girl, best woman, hold the rings on a pillow etc. It sounds like you just don't want her in the wedding at all. Your desicion will bite you in the backside one day, those pictures will be around for generations, and she won't be young forever - she will question why she wasn't included and you should have to be the one to explain yourself. Shame on your fiancé if he agrees to this

Vevevoom · 26/10/2023 19:42

Feels like a Cinderella moment here. How awful for the DSD. Poor girl. Sorry, but I think you should include her in your wedding if you’re having your girls.
the daughter comes with the father.
Don’t create a rift here.

IncomingTraffic · 26/10/2023 19:44

On second thoughts I think the important thing to point out here is that you don’t have to get married just because he wants to.

It all sounds like a bloody nightmare.

fixies · 26/10/2023 19:44

If you don't like weddings, why have bridesmaids at all? Why not do ad you say and have a minimal wedding with no faff. That will be easiest for all. You know you can't possibly leave out your step daughter.

vickylou78 · 26/10/2023 19:46

Why would your family have to look after your step daughter? Wouldn't your fiancés family (ie. MIL to be) look after her?

I think you are over thinking it. As she's much younger than your DD's she can be a flower girl and you can get her a dress in a complimentary colour. Doesn't have to be expensive. Next etc. Do lovely occasion dresses for children. I think would be lovely to include her and you will be her stepmother so worth trying to build some rapport with her.

LifeExperience · 26/10/2023 19:47

Don't marry him. You are not in the right headspace, and his daughter deserves better.

meanypegs · 26/10/2023 19:48

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Blueblell · 26/10/2023 19:49

I think you should include her as a flower girl or another special role. She should be an important part of the ceremony. Whether her mother allows is a different issue but I guess that is between her mum and dad. Let your MIL be in charge of her on the day instead of your own family if they do not know her. It could be the opportunity to bring her closer to her Dad and yourself !

FamilyLife2point4 · 26/10/2023 19:50

My ‘tuppens worth’ @Laceandfrills woild be to ask the child (or have her father ask her) what role she would like…… she may not want a role (problem solved) if she was unsure, DF could offer Flower Girl / Ring bearer / Best Girl / Paige girl (I would say it is uncommon for a 7yr old to be a bridesmaid to DF and get ready with a family she doesn’t know). However, if the child is insistent / expecting to be a bridesmaid and is also ND, here is the point you compromise as an adult, wedding day or not ….. a child would be telling you she wants to be included and get to know you all - give her a role of ‘junior bridesmaid’ and ask does she want a special dress or one like the bridesmaids, to get ready with dad or the other maids (might have to consider employing a sitter in this case or rope in in-laws) which jobs she would like to do - it will make her feel included by just asking her what she wants! She needs to be on the top table regardless of which side she is seated, being in dads party might be more appealing to her on this point too, get to sit beside dad most of the day.

storypushers · 26/10/2023 19:50

Have her as a bridesmaid (dress etc) and she can just get ready with her dad. She'd probably far prefer it and you don't have to deal with a stranger (I mean that's quite ridiculous after 5 years but hey ho). You're wanting to exert your power over the wrong person here!