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Original poster

Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

396 replies

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 16:54

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 26/10/2023 19:12

It’s on the mil to look after her if you fiancé wants her to attend.

just a heads up @Laceandfrills -DF is normally dear father. .

TheShellBeach · 26/10/2023 19:12

She's just a small child. I'm sure she'll feel very sad if you miss her out.

BitofaStramash · 26/10/2023 19:12

Read all your updates.

Do both of them a favour and walk away now.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 26/10/2023 19:14

If you want to start your marriage - the joining of two families - with excluding your DH’s DD and potentially causing a permanent rift?

then yeah, go ahead!!

having her be a flower girl or a groom’s man could however work as an alternative. But she needs to have a role in the wedding party imo!

Alicenwonderland · 26/10/2023 19:14

I don't understand why he doesn't see his daughter more. Unless there's serious abuse (and I mean very serious, the bar is incredibly low) fathers are pretty much guaranteed every other weekend as standard contact. It isn't expensive to go to court if you represent yourself. I'd be wary of a man who doesn't want contact with his child. Women just can't stop contact, if they do you get a court order. Sounds a very sad situation all around.

FlissyPaps · 26/10/2023 19:15

This is beyond cruel and nasty.

Having your step daughter as a bridesmaid will not take away any special moments you will have with your biological daughters.

The only reason I can think of, is that your step daughter is prettier than your bio daughters and you don’t want the bridesmaid limelight on her. Sorry not sorry.

pythonny · 26/10/2023 19:16

You answered your own question - "for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter?"

If you care at least a little bit about the man you're marrying (and your stepchild's feelings, but I guess that's asking too much from you), I wouldn't be a Bridezilla over those few minutes.

Frankly if I were your DH I would dump you - as you say yourself, you would dump him if he showed no interest in your DDs.

Him rarely seeing her (I'm sure a contributing factor is that you have been with him since she was 2 years old.....) doesn't make her presence less important. It makes it all the more important.

First it's about the dress, then her ADHD... I think you clearly just dislike your new step daughter.

Pewpewbarneymcgrew · 26/10/2023 19:16

Takes a special kind of arsehole to exclude a little girl from her dad’s wedding

FloweryName · 26/10/2023 19:16

You have a nasty attitude and this child deserves better than both of you.

lucya66 · 26/10/2023 19:19

I think YABU. That poor girl may be devastated to be left out of her fathers wedding, already probably struggling with wrapping her head around it. You are really going for the evil stepmother trope.

Also you sound unreasonable re DPs family. He has a “huge family”… , so what, not his fault and if you loved him, you just accept it rather than trying to imply this is him being unreasonable. Whereas you have a “mere 6 people”. Well done you for having a tiny family.

ordinarybarbie · 26/10/2023 19:19

Make her a flower girl, she can stay with your OH the morning of the wedding, she shouldn't be with your family who she doesn't know and doesn't have to have the same dress as the older bridesmaids. Would that solve the issue?
If you're completely adamant that she has no role in the wedding then I don't think marriage is for you.

GreenhouseGarden · 26/10/2023 19:20

Can’t she be a groomsmaid (for want of a better expression). Wear a special dress and stand with her father?

pythonny · 26/10/2023 19:20

GreenhouseGarden · 26/10/2023 19:20

Can’t she be a groomsmaid (for want of a better expression). Wear a special dress and stand with her father?

That's a cute idea!

Shemakeslists · 26/10/2023 19:22

Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?

When I was 7 - that was all I wanted!

Ourlittletalks · 26/10/2023 19:22

This is disgusting. You are disgusting. I hope your fiancé sees what you’re like and runs while he has the chance.

pythonny · 26/10/2023 19:22

Alicenwonderland · 26/10/2023 19:14

I don't understand why he doesn't see his daughter more. Unless there's serious abuse (and I mean very serious, the bar is incredibly low) fathers are pretty much guaranteed every other weekend as standard contact. It isn't expensive to go to court if you represent yourself. I'd be wary of a man who doesn't want contact with his child. Women just can't stop contact, if they do you get a court order. Sounds a very sad situation all around.

OP says "DF is allowed to visit her once a month." and then "he sees her once a month because he has to stay in a hotel near her home and we aren’t financially well off"... And also "She is not allowed at my house as her mother doesn’t like that DF moved on"

I'm sure financial circumstances are a real thing – though she's up North, where hotels would presumably be more affordable for DH coming from near London... But the inconsistent justification from OP makes me think the real reason is that DH's focus is on his new family (OP and her daughters), which he has been with since the poor SD was 2, and OP likes it that way.

TallulahG · 26/10/2023 19:23

Wow what a HORRIBLE post. Shame on you for being so selfish and for being such a Bridezilla despite insisting you don't care.

Make her a flower girl if you can't bear her enough to let her be a bridesmaid. And then give your head a wobble at how horrible you want to be to a kid.

Hibiscrubbed · 26/10/2023 19:24

The whole thing sounds awful. He doesn’t know how you feel, his mother is a controlling pain in the arse, you don’t know his daughter or particularly want her involved, the ex is mental…

Why are you doing this to yourself?!

Pressthespacebar · 26/10/2023 19:26

I actually think it’s really mean not to ask her to be bridesmaid. Think how you would feel if it were your daughter in her position, when they were 7.

I understand how you feel in general and I felt the same about my exh children, he’s now my ex and I wish I’d made more of an effort with them, they were only kids.

Namerequired · 26/10/2023 19:26

Get her dad to find a role for her and one that has her with his family that morning as it seems that is the real (and understandable) issue. She could be flower girl/ring bearer, do a reading, dads special helper, something that makes her feel important. But yes, it’s right it’s on her dads side. I don’t see why she would need to be with you or walk down before your daughters. Who made up that rule?
I know you say the wedding is not important to you, but why is your oh and mil planning it? Is that your preference? Strange set up.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 26/10/2023 19:27

You say you would like some day in your own wedding but then you’re only getting married with all these conditions so make your mind up.

Who said she had to walk in front of your girls?

Just make her a flower girl.

Livelovebehappy · 26/10/2023 19:27

I think we all know that you have no intention of having your future dsd as a bridesmaid. You won’t listen to the opinions of people from Mumsnet. Your mind is made up. Such a pointless poisoness post. It really is.

grumpycow1 · 26/10/2023 19:28

If it’s a small wedding and you’re not fussed, why have bridesmaids at all? They are really not necessary these days.

Merryoldgoat · 26/10/2023 19:29

Well this is certainly a way of ensuring your relationship is fucked from the start:

get married when you aren’t keen, ignore the fact your MIL is toxic and controlling, exclude your DSD from being a bridesmaid at your wedding.

As an aside, I couldn’t spend any time with a man who is so uninvolved in his child’s life.

Pewpewbarneymcgrew · 26/10/2023 19:29

Sounds like the ex has done everything she can to get away from him and his controlling family, and now he paints her as the jealous toxic ex as it suits his narrative