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Original poster

Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

396 replies

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 16:54

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

OP posts:
LemonadeSunshine · 26/10/2023 18:56

Just wow!

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/10/2023 18:57

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 17:36

They’re 18 and 16 so he hasn’t raised them and if he didn’t want them included after 5 years in their life I wouldn’t stick around.
I don’t know his daughter enough to comment on that, the rest is background for reference and to confirm that I’m not singling out a child we have 50/50 custody of.
DF has planned the entire wedding down to my dress, date and colour theme, all I have had a say in is that it’s a small wedding and my DDs are bridesmaids.
Regarding future MIL yes she is very controlling and has her say in everything, I have learnt to ignore it.

"DF has planned the entire wedding down to my dress, date and colour theme, all I have had a say in is that it’s a small wedding and my DDs are bridesmaids. Regarding future MIL yes she is very controlling and has her say in everything, I have learnt to ignore it."
Bloody hell, your future MIL is far from being the only controlling one here! The groom has picked the bride's dress? And has taken for granted he is picking the bride's maids?

Do not marry this walking red flag!

Scottishskifun · 26/10/2023 18:57

I would say given her age and the age of your DDs make her a flower girl.
Yes it's your wedding but your also a blended family even if he only sees her once a month that means involving her where possible in family life.
You will only add fuel to the flames if you don't and as flower girl she can either walk ahead of you by quite a way or she can be at the front no big deal.

lalaloopyhead · 26/10/2023 18:57

I think regardless of the circumstances dsd needs to be invited to be part of the wedding party, whether that be bridesmaid or best girl role. If Mum doesn't allow her to come to the wedding then she can deal with the upset.
It would be really unkind to exclude her.

CurlewKate · 26/10/2023 18:57

This is one I hope isn't real. If your do was my friend I would advise him not to marry you.

TheShellBeach · 26/10/2023 18:58

OP please can you tag people if you're responding to them, for clarity?
Thanks.

aSofaNearYou · 26/10/2023 18:59

I would suggest that DF come up with a different role for her - he could have her with him instead of/as well as a best man, and she could spend the day with him. It doesn't have to be sold as a negative thing, he could say it's because he wants her with him on the day.

Silvers11 · 26/10/2023 18:59

@Laceandfrills - You Said ''She isn’t excluded from the wedding at all, she’s invited to the wedding it’s the bridesmaid situation I’m posting about. My parents don’t know her and will have to care for a child with severe ADHD that her mother refuses to medicate for. DF himself says she’s a handful. There won’t be a real aisle as it’s a registry office, no confetti etc allowed.''

Well if she's invited to the wedding, surely your parents will still have to watch her? So what's the difference in that respect? I'm not having a go - I'm genuinely confused with the above statement and trying to understand?

Thesearmsofmine · 26/10/2023 19:00

This would a cruel thing to do OP.
Let her be bridesmaid, she can get ready with MiL and they can meet you at the registry office, when I got married the little ones who were bridesmaids got ready with their mum and met me there, it’s quite normal. Her role will be to walk down the aisle(if she wants too, it might be too overwhelming) and be in the photos. As she is so young she won’t be in the same dress as your teens, maybe just a sash to match their dresses or something. I’m not sure what the actual problem is?

Age 6 was bridesmaid to a cousin who lived in another country. I had only met her once before. It was amazing and over 30 years on I still remember it’s

TeresaMayspants · 26/10/2023 19:01

Can see why you didn’t enable voting for this one

QuitMoaning · 26/10/2023 19:02

She will know and resent you forever.

I was that little girl and I have never forgotten even after 30 years.

theduchessofspork · 26/10/2023 19:02

Of course you need to include her.

It’s not a big deal, just call her a flower girl if it makes you happier.

She’s having a tough time with her parents.

Don’t be a selfish dick

Hazey19 · 26/10/2023 19:03

you are being very very unreasonable.

weirdoboelady · 26/10/2023 19:04

BlowDryRat · 26/10/2023 17:01

Your marriage is about the joining of two families. You can't leave out one child; that would be awful. Just choose cheaper dresses if you're bothered about paying for them.

This. It's not YOUR wedding, it is the wedding of you and your partner, and the blending of two families. You are coming across to me as a bridezilla. Are you not going to bother having a relationship with your husband's child after you are married?

You say you don't want to pay for a dress that may not be worn. It is not beyond anyone's intelligence to confirm whether she is coming before ordering a dress, surely? Colour me unimpressed.

biscuitnut · 26/10/2023 19:04

Shame on you. That poor child

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 26/10/2023 19:04

I feel hurt for her. How bloody cruel.

Castleview6 · 26/10/2023 19:05

If you are going to treat his daughter like this I don’t think you’ll need to worry about a wedding… with any luck he’ll see you for the horrible person you are and run a mile.

Lovemusic82 · 26/10/2023 19:06

Please don’t marry this man. If anything happens to his ex he would have to take over full time care of his daughter, have you considered that? You obviously don’t want much to do with her, you don’t speak highly of her basically calling her a brat because she has ADHD, she’s a small child who hardly ever gets to see her dad (because he hasn’t bothered to fight for more contact). I feel so sorry for her.

Mynewnameis · 26/10/2023 19:06

Omg. I can't even imagine your DFs reaction to this. Just don't say it unless you want to risk your marriage. It's not all about you and your daughter's. He has a child

binbangbong · 26/10/2023 19:06

This was me at 7.

I won’t grant them the energy of being angry with them still, but I don’t trust them and they don’t know anything important about my life.

It’s important to me that my daughter knows who they are but our visits are few and far between.

They’ve missed so much, but they set the template.

Vinvertebrate · 26/10/2023 19:08

You sound absolutely dreadful OP. Poor little girl. She’s 7 FFS.

BurbleBumleBleep · 26/10/2023 19:08

I get your point Op but the “wedding” is ceremonial as opposed to the marriage.

You can have any sort of wedding you want but it needs to be equal for both families. You have your daughters playing a role and therefore his should too. It’s good manners. A fabulous dress for a 7 year old costs peanuts. She doesn’t need to be the same as a teenage girls.
She might not be able to attend but it’s a kind thing to do to invite her and make her part of the day. She’ll remember that even if she doesn’t get to go.

Fourecks · 26/10/2023 19:09

7 is too young to be a bridesmaid. Tell your DF you would love to have her as a flower girl, and that you are looking forward to his parents bringing her to wherever you are getting ready just before it's time to leave for the wedding.

Or call the whole thing off because your DF's priorities are stuffed. He should be spending his time and energy getting more time with his daughter and getting her the help she needs rather than planning all details of a wedding.

BitofaStramash · 26/10/2023 19:10

God almighty - you can't leave a 7 year old out.

ConnieTucker · 26/10/2023 19:11

I think you are coming across ‘harsh and cruel’ here because you are trying to maintain some tiny bit of control somewhere.

it is a few minutes down the aisle so youre right, it doesnt matter. So have her do it. It will be better for her to be asked than for you to refuse.

but you clearly have a dp problem. He is clearly controlling.